BFN

I didn't wait to test like I said I would. Now I can resume my normal life again.

I knew this was going to be a BFN, but IF still sucks.

CD 25, 12dpiui, water

I live about 5 blocks from the Mississippi river, and sometimes I like to ride my bike along the levee. Much of the water is off limits to non-port working people, but if you go far enough, you can get down to the dirt and sandy parts. My dog loves all things water.

I am surrounded by water. In fact I have lived by some major body of water most of my life. I've lived very near the Gulf, Lake Michigan (both in Illinois and Indiana), and Lake Erie. I've been a part of one of the country's biggest disasters which was the failed levee floods of 2005. Water has moved through me most of my life. I like water and I also fear it. I'll fish but I won't swim in the lakes. I prefer pools. I think I fear what I can't see in the water: jellyfish, bottom feeders, broken glass. From June 1-November 30, I fear what brews in the waters off Africa, what brews in the gulf, what hurricanes might forms in the warm waters.

I often think of Virginia Wolf's suicide in the water. No, I am not suicidal, but I adore her writing and I think about how she struggled with mental illness, and how she resorted to the water for her final breaths.


We drink water. We bathe in water. We baptize with water that has been blessed (or not) by some god-like person.

Water is often the metaphor used to describe many things:


Rivers of red vessels run through our body. We move fluidly through our lives. Tears, our body's salty fluids, stream out my eyes more lately than any other time in my life. I'm drowning in my sorrows.

As part of my fertility treatments, I involve myself in deep meditation, imagining my blood flowing through my uterus, my ovaries, my tubes freely floating. I am trying to undo my diagnosis of blood stagnation through my diet and through my visualization. I want to be fertile. Nanshe, goddess of fertility and water, journey with me.

CD 24, 11dpiui, the challenge

I feel compelled to never POAS again now. I am supposed to do it Monday morning, but if it is negative, I'm no doubt going to be upset and cry. Same for Tuesday-Thursday, so that means I should test one week from today since I don't teach on Fridays. Yup, that would give me 18 dpiui. I told DH this and he laughed but then said that it was a good plan. He knows me. He knows that although I know there is about a 2% chance this cycle worked, my heart is still counting on that 2%.



I'm still popping premetrium up my you-know-what, and I am thankful for all you who suggested I wear pantyliners. No ruined panties this month. No "symptoms" of any kind, but the truth is since I've been doing TCM, I stopped having PMS signs. I never get sore bb or bloated now that I am eating my blood stagnation diet. So I guess I won't know until AF shows up, which will inevitably be delayed since I am taking progesterone.



Ugh. This post sucks.



I had a bikini wax this morning (I chickened out on what would have been my first Brazilian wax), and I have a pedicure at 2:45. Oh yeah, and yesterday I had a big fat cheeseburger and fries from my favorite bistro to toast my 2nd interview that went, well, I don't know. The interview was dumb dumb dumb. I feel like this is just a dog and pony show, and that they already know who they are promoting, and that they are just "interviewing" to have some sort of paper trail in case someone cries foul. I didn't do too terribly, but I can't say that I rocked it either since the questions were so dumb!!

Oh well. Off to the yoga studio to clean.

CD 22, 9dpiui, still nothin'

Ho-hum. That's about all that is going on around here, and I kinda like it. We are settled in our new place for now, and I am enjoying every minute. It's been raining all sorts of tropical here lately; my plants are enjoying it immensly. I also have my second interview for the job promotion tomorrow, so fingers crossed that I don't freak out.

On the TTC front, all is the same. I had my acupuncture appointment today. I am actually quite proud of myself for sticking it out (pun intended) since January. At $80 a pop per week, it is kinda expensive, but I am trying any and everything I can. I was also upgraded to a new prenatal vitamin called Neevo back in December, and this 3o day supply costs me a whopping $50 with my insurance. I hope it is some wonder vitamin with that price. Yikes! When you start adding up all this fertility therapy and prep, the baby I am trying to create is going to be coming out with a hefty price tag.

You should be proud of my new plan. I will not POAS until I am suppose to, which is Monday. Heck, I might even wait until Tuesday. Ha! Do you believe me?

CD 20, 7dpiui, I got nothin'

No news to report here. My uterus area is a bit twingy, but other than that, I am fine. DH and I rode our bikes to the riverfront for the fireworks. It was pretty awesome and the weather was fantastic. Plus, for some weird reason, there were no mosquitoes which is a rarity in these parts. It was good to get out.

I am off today, and although I could be doing a million things, I think DH and I are going to piss the day away. He's off with the dog for a run right now (something I've given up this cycle in the hopes that maybe the running was causing me to not get PG), so I am off to clean the house.

Happy Monday!

CD 18, 5 dpiui, feeling quite positive

There is some fantastic news out in blogland this weekend. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for sticky beans for both Kitty and Allison. I have been following their blogs for over a year, and I am thrilled to hear that they are seeing two lines on their tests! They give me hope, and I am so incredibly happy for them.

5 dpiui and the progesterone supplements have not given me any quirky side effects like last time. Today I've felt a few cramping nudges in the uterus area, but then again I could just be imagining it.

Happy 4th!

CD 16, 3dpiui, moved in

I am moved in to my new place and I am loving every minute of it. This neighborhood is alive!

No news on the TTC front. I couldn't find my prometrium yesterday, so I haven't started it yet. I believe it is in one of the boxes I packed, so I'll be taking it tonight and every morning and night until I test.

And I got called for a second interview. I have to meet with the Dean for the interview, and luckily there will be no teaching demonstration. Phew! That's next Thursday. Yipee!