When there are more reasons not to do this

I remember struggling with the pros and cons of assisted reproduction back in 2009. I had just had my big surgery, the lap and hysteroscopy, and was getting set to begin IUI with injectables. But we halted. Well, I halted it all (ahem, back then it was mostly all me making the decisions. DH was still in the clouds about all this). For me, there were more reasons not to begin with the RE than there were to keep trying naturally. I believed I wanted to go the eastern medicine route, and I did. I fully accepted the weekly, sometimes twice weekly acupuncture, the herbs, the dietary changes (hello, I ate black mushrooms, eel, and other weird foods that one would really not want to consume). I made the charts and weighed the options, and I was too scared, in denial probably, to move with western medicine and getting preggo.

However, as you know, I broke. Chinese medicine was not getting me preggo, so after 6 solid months, we went back to the RE and started. Even then, I charted the pros and cons, and from IUI to IVF, the charts were always there.

Now that I am here, almost 4 years later, staring at the consents I just signed, I do not have a pen to paper chart of the pros and cons. No, that would be too scary because I see the chart in my head; I don't want to see it on paper. I can tell you that there seems to be more reasons not to proceed with the FET, and here I am, back to what feels like 2009, thinking we should just try naturally again.

I don't know what it is really that scares me so much about assisted reproduction.