in hiding

It's been almost a month since my last post, and honestly, I am not quite sure why it has taken me so long to update. I have been reading your blogs, though. Honestly, school started and a month later, I have survived. I spent two lovely weekends at the end of August back with my bestest friends for bachelorette and wedding nonsense, and then I fell into pretty dark place. I think it was the high of being so busy with fun and life that when it was over, poof! and I was so very down. I still am. I've been off the TTC wagon for the most part, although I am still going to my weekly acupuncture. Sometimes I feel like it's a waste of money. I still have yet to reschedule the IVF consult, and I'm not quite sure when I plan to do it. If we wanted to do IVF in December, I need to hop on it, right?

(((Sigh)))

CD 1, planning for the future

AF came this morning in full force. I am not pregnant, but I already knew that. DH and I talked at length this morning about the future. We discussed doing another cycle, but when we priced out the cost of a pure injectible IUI, the price tag would be almost $3000. Yes, $1100 for the monitoring, $500 for the IUI, and somewhere between $1000-1200 for the meds. Three thousand dollars is a lot of money for a shot in the dark, and frankly it's a start for the IVF savings account. We decided to call the RE to see what she thinks.

I left a message, the nurse called back, then we went to run some errands and I forgot my phone, so when I returned, I had 2 (that's right--two) messages from Dr. S. She even left me her cell phone number to call if I tried the office and she had already left. A doc's cell phone? How wonderful is that. I spoke with Dr. S, and she thinks that IVF would be the best route and wants DH and I to schedule time to speak with her about the process, etc. So there. We are now moving on to IVF.

There's a bit of clarity with this decision, and I might post more about this as I come to terms with it all. For now, it's TCM, regular exercise, regular life stuff, and of course lots of BD during fertile times. I know it is possible to get preggo because I have been a witness to my lovely bloggy friends who have achieved just that--a miracle. I know these stories, and I know that it is possible. I must look forward and that is my focus now.

update

I've been MIA for a week or so, mostly because I went out of town over the weekend, and since I've been back, I've been in the busyness of school. On the TTC front, I'm on the pill again, and I am thinking that the pill really sucks. I feel extra groggy in the morning and the past 24 hours, I've been dizzy. I don't feel like myself. I went to TCM yesterday, and she placed many needles in my back with electrode therapy. It didn't help, or maybe it did. Who knows. All I know is that I stop the pill on Tuesday and go in for monitoring a week from tomorrow. I can't wait.

On a funny or interesting or TMI note, we've been having birth-control-pill-sex. Ha! Come on gals, you remember the really fun sex that was in no way, shape, or form EVER intended to make a baby. HA! I'm trying to stay lighthearted about this whole IF thing, so why not spend some time, mentally, back in a place where things were so much simpler.

Happy Thursday!

CD ??/

So I went for monitoring on CD 3, and this cycle is a bust:

FSH 7.4
E2:156
Beta: negative (wow, they actually did a beta)

The doc put me on BC pills, and I am taking those for 2 weeks then going back for monitoring on June 18 at 8:00 AM. I spoke with the RE, and she looked at my stats from last cycle and said, "Gee, this all looks so great. You should be pregnant."

Yeah, I know. I had 4 large follies, and my estrogen was good and DH's boys were wonderful. No baby, though.

(sigh)

counting 1,2,3

I went to the acupuncturist yesterday, and after laying it all out for her, she asked, "What were the results? What were the numbers? You need to find out the numbers." She was firm in the fact that these numbers will help her treat me holistically and herbally.

Here are my numbers:

Day 3 bloodwork and U/S

FSH: 4.7

E2: 182

follies on left ovary: 4 (7x7, 6x6, 5x5 and 5x5)

follies on right ovary: 3 (9x9, 13x13, and 16x16)

Right ovary is the bad bad one( reminder: the right fallopian tube is blocked). According to the RE, the high E2 is probably from the cysts on the right ovary.

My treatment this month for Dr. S (RE): wait until next month, no meds, no BC pills, nothing!

My treatment this month for Dr. A (Acu): herbal formula 4 capsules 3 x per day, go back to being strict about my stagnation diet (yes, I've been cheating a bit!), avoid sugar and alcohol, and keep up my running/yoga routine.

I don't know what all these numbers really mean, and the more I google, the sadder I get so I plan to avoid looking to the internet for answers. Any input you all might have would be appreciated.

Cancelled?

WTF? Went in for bloodwork and US today, CD 3, geared up for some ovulation stimulation drugs, etc., just to find out that I've got a couple of cysts on my right ovary and a tad high estrogen level.

Cycled cancelled. Wait a month.

This sucks.

Yes, I've been hiding

with nothing good to report. I had a major meltdown on Sunday when it became clear that AF was on her way. I mean major meltdown, like throw away all fertility goodies including CBE monitor, strips, preg tests, pre-seed, you name it. And DH got wind of this and tried to stop me, telling me that I was just PMSing. Oh lordy, wrong thing to say because it wasn't that; it was pure and utter sadness, disappointment, hopelessness. I am not sure exactly what this all means (my freak out- blow up and all), but I am truly truly exhausted and tired of TTC running my every thought. So I might be MIA for awhile, but I promise to try to keep lurking, reading, and commenting. Sometimes it's all too much, ya know?

black fun.gus, CD 1

Sorry my title is so weird, but I am feeling a bit weird today. Today is officially CD1, but the cramps are annoying and the flow is, uh, not the usual flow I'd associate with CD1. Getting to know my body, huh?

On a positive note, DH has been extremely helpful to me in getting my new diet in order to accommodate my TCM orders. He is a chef, and I can only boil water and make about 5-7 real dishes, so attacking the list of things that are good for me to eat (millet, quinoa, peach kernel, black fungus, etc) was a tad overwhelming for me but was music to his ears. We shopped together and he helped me with the "menu" of my new ingredients. We even hunted around at the local asian market to find some cooling teas with mulberry, along with other odd items. I feel as though I can make some real changes to my diet now that actually make sense and that will taste good. Hurray!

I go in for my second acupuncture appointment tomorrow afternoon. I'll post more then. I won't lie, though. Although I am extremely confident in taking the TCM route, a little piece of me thought about calling Dr. S and telling her it's day 1 and to begin my first clo.mid cycle. Shhh... don't tell anyone I thought that!!!

cycle day what?

I think I am on CD 18, but who knows. This cycle had no mid-cycle spotting, and my CM is pretty much "whatever." For three years, I could predict each CD, how much CM, and the spotting. Now I feel like I need to get to get reacquainted with my lady parts.

Also, DH and I discussed the upcoming TTC events, and with my insistence, we decided to wait until the February cycle to begin cl.omid and menop.ur, mostly because I begin a new semester with new classes and new students, and if my brain is about to be tricked into early menopause, I'd like one full month of normalcy before I get nuts and crazy. The possible side effects of these fertility drugs freak me out a bit. Plus, if all is still on, this next cycle will be the good tube getting the egg, so who knows; maybe my romantic idea about natural conception will occur.

On a completely different note, the farmer's market today had the most delicious veggies I've seen in months; I was blown away by orange and purple cauliflower, gorgeous fennel, hearty rutabagas, and lots of heirloom peppers. And broccoli!!! It's going to be a fun Tuesday!

Cost of IF

When I first started reading TTC blogs, I was really interested in the financial burdens taken on by those who have trouble conceiving. I am not sure what to make of it; in real life (as opposed to blog-life) my bff had her bicornate uterus reshaped, paid over $20,000 for that surgery, and now has 3 healthy children. She took out a second mortgage on her house, and today sits in a bit of financial trouble with the collapse of the housing market and the stress in her marriage. Others attempt IVF and pay, out of pocket, some $12,000 to $16,000 per cycle. One friend had success, two still haven't and have since put their dreams on the side due to the cost. All three couples struggle with marital issues related to money, loss, and the like.

I have always been very good at planning, saving money, retirement funds, etc. I wonder if I had imagined this TTC road in the past if I would have set aside funds per month for an IF account. Knowing me, I probably would have, then spent it sometime in my mid-twenties on a really cool vacation.

I got the final confirmation about the insurance, and they finally completed the file. Paid. Woot. Here's the kicker. The total cost of surgery is $3700 to the RE ($1850 for lap, $1850 for hysteroscopy), and the hospital fee is $21,346.95. The insurance price is $844.90 for the RE (I am responsible for $309.49) and $6246.41 for the hospital (I am responsible for 10 percent of that).

Numbers confuse me; something about this doesn't add up, and although I ended up paying almost $1000 for this surgery, my sisters out there without insurance would be stuck with a $25,000 bill.

freak-out, pre-auth, referral, how much do you want for that?

So a few minor stresses these past weeks or so.

1. I am still waiting on the ins. company to approve the lap and hysterscopy. "Pended," it says.

2. Blinking blinking waiting on approval for a stupid blood test I had at the RE: ladies, have you had this test? Well, don't, or, wait a bit on it. I guess during the whole hoopla at the RE office, I agreed to a cystic fi.brosis blood test, DNA thing (why I did I do not understand...I don't care if my baby has any "defect"--I just want to parent a child). This blood test is $1300 and some change!!! WTF? My insurance company can't decide if they are going to pay for this. I guess you are allowed one in a lifetime, so maybe they are checking to see if I had this before...uh, um, but right now I have that tab hanging over my head.

3. Damn the Internet and google!! I have been obsessed about my unknown prognosis and have freaked myself into a corner...should I be concerned about the scarring from the lap and TTC? Seems like I should be. I hadn't thought about it but some people say I should be concerned. What's the dealio? Has anyone been knocked up successfully after a lap? My friend was fine, but is she the only one? Seems to be the case, according to google!!

4. My surgery is for 12:30 in the afternoon. No food or water will be fine, but can I brush my teeth that morning? I hope so!

5. I have been spotting every day since AF left. Spotting and I mean pink some days, brown some others, brown sticky goop on other days!! I am ruining my panties and I hate practicing yoga with undies on! bleah!!!!!

6. I was such a spaz on bla.ck Frid.ay that I repainted the entire bedroom--I went from medium green to a light beige...hello three coats of paint, sore back, and I am still high from the fumes.

7. My 12:30 surgery happens 24 hours before DH leaves on a trip to see his parents. He offered to cancel the trip and I said "hell no!" If he doesn't go see them, they'll come here and I am in no mood to handle crazy in-laws this year.

8. I am tempted to open the nice bottle of red wine right now...it's 2:30 in the afternoon. Not a good idea, huh?

9. If I open that bottle of wine, I'll be too trashed to practice yoga this evening. I need yoga. I do not need wine.

10. Do I really mean #9?

11. It is 50 and raining in my sweet city; my puppy is pissed because he is stuck inside.

12. Thanks for listening.

Having an affair...with my DH!

For the first time in, oh, years, we are not TTC this month. With the orders of abstinence from the OB because of the upcoming surgery, I've been forced to ignore the CM, the ovulation pain (ouch! today!), the sex drive that comes along with this time. And although I am not temping, I am still charting my signs on FF (damn them! I paid for a year and I am going to use it for that time).

It's bizarre, actually.

Plus, we aren't doin' it, and that's weird, too, but kinda in a oohh-you-can't-have-me kinda tease. It's been a little fun, I won't lie. Not the tease part, but the anticipation, and the other stuff! Ladies, I feel like we are dating again and I'm not giving it up! hahahahaha This kind of passion seems to have been lost with all the timed BD and stress. I am enjoying this playfulness. I'm not kidding. I feel like a teenager!

Zen on a Sunday afternoon

I had to stop what I am doing right now and tell you what I am experiencing at this moment: DH is at work and it is just me and the dog. It is 60 something (cold for us in the deep south), the old wood windows are wide open, I'm wearing black fuzzy foot booties, comfy grey pants, a pink t-shirt and a worn-out navy hoodie. My I.POD is blasting my collection of Con.crete Bl.ond loudly and I don't care if I am disturbing the neighbors; they are all probably watching the football game, anyway. I am in the throes of grading some really badly written papers. The air smells crisp and clean, and the kettle on the stove is whistling at me, alerting me it's time for tea.

It's good to be employed, to be in love, to be alive, and to be jamming.