Saturday, January 28, 2012

Post Partum WTF

Cue the bliss...

Cue the happiness...

And, Scene.

I wish it were that easy. I realized a few things these past 4 months since A has been around.

1. DH was not an asshole before we got preggars, so he probably isn't being an asshole now.
2. We were married for five years before A arrived. We were close friends. Adding a baby makes this transition so much harder because it has been just us for so long.
3. I/We have to redefine what our relationship is now and not dwell on how it used to be. This point is mostly for me to simmer.
4. Parenting A is my job. For the most part. Period. I cannot change this. DH steps in but quickly steps away whenever possible. This is the world we live in, his beliefs, and the way it is. I can stew and be pissed all I want, but we all know that people don't change.
5. There is no such thing as 50/50.
6. I might have to relinquish my awesomeness at my job. I might have to give up being available for every meeting, every pow wow, every committee. I might have to be (gasp!) AVERAGE at my career for awhile while A is so young.
7. I cannot do it all. Wait. Scratch that. I can do it all, I just cannot do it all awesomely.
8. I am angry a lot. This emotion has been my tendency for a lot of my life. I have to remember that and begin to accept that I have no control over things, but I can control how I react to them.
9. No matter how hard today feels, tomorrow (or sometimes a few days later) ALWAYS gets better.

Nine things here. I am sure there is more, but I can't think right now.

Any insights you have to share, please leave them in the comments section.


tushkan122 said...

I agree with everything you said, except for the "while A is still so young" point. My kids are 2 and 6, and while it does get easier physically (my 6 year old lets me sleep in, she can handle an 11 hour flight like a champ, etc) but it is still a full time job to be a mum. Her school takes so much to keep up with - homework, various projects, making costumes for her school plays, making easter hats, doing piano homework with her, the list goes on and on. So unfortunately, they get older but it does not get any easier on me and it does not take less time to be a mum. I completely agree that you cannot do it all awesomely. I was a star performer at my job before kids, my salary DOUBLED in my first year on the job, but after my first child was born I resigned to just doing the minimum I can to scrape by, and pretty much just working for money, not for career advancement. I have plenty of friends who chose career and while they think that they can do it all, their kids think that the nanny is their mum, which is absolutely not OK with me. So, not an encouraging it will all get easier kind of comment I guess, but I just wanted to say I am on the same page with you and sending you a virtual hug from London..

Ashley said...

He is adorable! I only work for my health benefits since we had the twins. I don't give a poo or have the energy for much else. On the relationship front, the first year of your first kid is for survival. It doesn't matter how ,any books you read or how many friends you have that think they know everything and were born super mom, they are full of shit. My hubs and I made it by the skin of our teeth. But then we got used to our new life and it truly takes a full year. You have 8 months to go!

Emily said...

You are doing great! I agree with the others, your relationship will work itself out, for the better. My husband and I were married for 8 years before our son arrived. It was the shock of a life, for both of us. Those early month you need to focus on keeping you and the baby alive! LOL! Your husband is an adult, he can make it, I promise! As for your job, it WILL get easier too. I was able to do so much with my job before my baby arrived, now I do my job, and I got home to my baby. I don't care as much and I'm okay with that, but I will say it took me a while to get here. I now know that being a mommy is my number one job, and the hardest one at that! My other job is for money, etc, but it no longer defines who I am. I am so thankful I got the opportunity to be a mom, and I know you are too, so try not to worry so much about work. Oh yeah, and my husband doesn't really pitch in with baby duty either, he is the "fun" parent, and I think you just need to find the dyanmic that works for you. If you are really bothered by something, speak up, as my husband always says, he is not a mind reader, even though I am acting pissed off, he has no idea why unless I tell him. You are doing great mama! Hang in there!

Fairytale Ending said...

A is such a cutie...and he looks like such a smiley baby!! The 50/50 comment really resonates with me. Hubby actually commented the other day that things aren't 50/50 when it comes to Will. Hubby has a full time (plus) job and is definitely the breadwinner. I work so I can stay sane and add to the family income a little, but my primary job is taking care of Will. As much as I would love for things to be 50/50, it's not realistic. Like you, it took me a while to come to that realization. But now that I have I've let go of some of the resentment I had towards Hubby. It sounds like you're doing the same which is a huge step in finding the balance between new baby and marriage!

Alex said...

Hey there! Oh he's so very cute! Love the smile!!!

I am so struggling with my relationship with my hubby - see my latest post for some crap lately. I just started back to work last week, and so I'm barely surviving each day, so I have absolutely no advice. Except to let you know I hear you!

Marie said...

Congrats on your cuteness, he's adorable. I have popped by you blog now and then, haven't fully caught up, so disregard my advice if its off basis. Marriage is different after a baby. It just is. You're tired. You want to do more for yourself, for you want to do more for your baby, and you want to do more for your husband, but you're too zonked to do anything. Then when you have a spare moment, you have a million things running through your head....about the baby. It's tough. I am in the same spot and trying my hardest to refocus back on my hubby, like in the days before our son. Post-partum...I dunno.... but normal...? Yes. Good Luck.

No Baby Ruth said...

I don’t have much insight. I do know a bit what you are going through. The transition isn’t easy. And I think it’s really important to not dwell on what used to be.

The most important point in your list, IMO, is #7. There are days and weeks and probably months when “good enough” will have to be just that. Save the awesomeness for A!

And, I’ll pass on something a wise parent once told me… no matter if things are incredibly bad or incredibly good, with a newborn NOTHING lasts for long, and the incredible good usually makes it worth it. Incliuded in that incredible good is the major cuteness that is your little A. What a face!!!

(I've been trying to comment for days now... hopefully this one goes through.!

myinfertilitywoes said...

Thanks for your supportive comment to me today!

I don't know what it's like to be going through a new baby and all the pressures BUT I do know that even going through infertility, etc., I haven't been as successful at my job and your comment on being just AVERAGE at our jobs right now really resonated. In fact, I've started looking for less stressful jobs even as we go through IVF because I can't keep up with the pace of my current demanding job.

Anyway, I think we can all just do what we can do and if that means cutting back in some areas, then so be it. We can be AWESOME at our career jobs again one day when we can dedicate the time/energy necessary toward it... it sucks to think of it that way and it still kinda pisses me off that most men don't think of it this way, but maybe one day there will be a better solution! :)

I also hope that you are taking time each week for just YOU! I find that for my new mom friends, that is so necessary and most of them actually don't do it and run themselves spiritually/emotionally ragged because they haven't replenished what they need for just themselves... whether it's a babysitter, your husband, family, friends, get away for a few hours each week and do something just for you, whether it's exercise, reading a book at a coffee shop, shopping, nails, massage, whatever - it's whatever you need and can replenish your energy! I also don't mean this to sound overly easy and simple either...