Tuesday, December 29, 2009

cycle day what?

I think I am on CD 18, but who knows. This cycle had no mid-cycle spotting, and my CM is pretty much "whatever." For three years, I could predict each CD, how much CM, and the spotting. Now I feel like I need to get to get reacquainted with my lady parts.

Also, DH and I discussed the upcoming TTC events, and with my insistence, we decided to wait until the February cycle to begin cl.omid and menop.ur, mostly because I begin a new semester with new classes and new students, and if my brain is about to be tricked into early menopause, I'd like one full month of normalcy before I get nuts and crazy. The possible side effects of these fertility drugs freak me out a bit. Plus, if all is still on, this next cycle will be the good tube getting the egg, so who knows; maybe my romantic idea about natural conception will occur.

On a completely different note, the farmer's market today had the most delicious veggies I've seen in months; I was blown away by orange and purple cauliflower, gorgeous fennel, hearty rutabagas, and lots of heirloom peppers. And broccoli!!! It's going to be a fun Tuesday!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas eve eve, making plans

I should have written this post yesterday, but since DH took a 10 day vacation from work, we decided to remodel the bathroom and have been in the thick of it since Sunday.

Yesterday was my post-op appointment, and bing bang boom, we are now in the clomid-menopur mode of planning. Turns out that the big plans are to start crazy TTC like never before. RE says to call the office on day 1, then bloodwork and US on day 2, then Clomid 100X2 per day for days 3-7, then a shot of menopur for days 8-10. No sex on day 9, but sex on day 10. Day 11, I get an US, lab work, and post-coital test to see if the swimmers have enough juice, etc, then plan to HCG trigger. Did you get all that? I am still spinning.

So you mean we shouldn't try on our own for a few months now that I am all cleaned out?


What about eastern meds? herbs? teas? acupuncture?

No, no, and no.


I am blown away by the clinical-ness of it all (I am sure this is not surprise to you all who have been through this and so much more), but I am still a bit of a romantic and believe that it may (and I mean slightly maybe) happen naturally.


Oh, and here's the kicker...this is a package deal, kinda like a spa. I got to see a menu-like form that showed me the package prices for this deal. $850 includes all-you-can-eat ultrasounds, a smorgasboard of bloodwork, any face-to-face appointments, all up until I ovulate. Don't get me wrong...the price is fine and right, but the menu-option thing is bizarre, and I can't help feeling the consumerism of infertility.

All in all, though, Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Cost of IF

When I first started reading TTC blogs, I was really interested in the financial burdens taken on by those who have trouble conceiving. I am not sure what to make of it; in real life (as opposed to blog-life) my bff had her bicornate uterus reshaped, paid over $20,000 for that surgery, and now has 3 healthy children. She took out a second mortgage on her house, and today sits in a bit of financial trouble with the collapse of the housing market and the stress in her marriage. Others attempt IVF and pay, out of pocket, some $12,000 to $16,000 per cycle. One friend had success, two still haven't and have since put their dreams on the side due to the cost. All three couples struggle with marital issues related to money, loss, and the like.

I have always been very good at planning, saving money, retirement funds, etc. I wonder if I had imagined this TTC road in the past if I would have set aside funds per month for an IF account. Knowing me, I probably would have, then spent it sometime in my mid-twenties on a really cool vacation.

I got the final confirmation about the insurance, and they finally completed the file. Paid. Woot. Here's the kicker. The total cost of surgery is $3700 to the RE ($1850 for lap, $1850 for hysteroscopy), and the hospital fee is $21,346.95. The insurance price is $844.90 for the RE (I am responsible for $309.49) and $6246.41 for the hospital (I am responsible for 10 percent of that).

Numbers confuse me; something about this doesn't add up, and although I ended up paying almost $1000 for this surgery, my sisters out there without insurance would be stuck with a $25,000 bill.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Paranoia, and when can we do it again?

I check my insurance claims website as much as I obsess about getting knocked up, and that has caused some worry this afternoon. The surgery that was approved is now "under review," and that scares me seeing that any IF diagnosis or treatment is not covered. In an effort to be prepared, I have started drafting my appeals letter. Ugh! I should just NOT look at this darn website anymore, but I can't help it. I have to remember that my doctor's notes diagnosed me with a disease, not IF.

In other news, we are restless around here since it has been over a month since we did the love dance, and I called the doc today to ask, "When can I resume relations?" The rule is 2 weeks, but I don't know if I can last until December 24. Anyone else break the two week rule before?

And hey, what is up with the "two week" rule? There's the two week wait for POAS, two week wait to ovulate, two week wait to find out if the insurance actually paid for this surgery, and now two week wait to do it? Hmmm....

Monday, December 14, 2009

Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy Part III

Essentials (a collection of advice I read/received/experienced)

1. Right after surgery, have DH waiting to make calls to people who you think will be calling shortly--call them before they call you so you can go home and have peace.

2. Bring a pair of cotton socks to wear during the surgery, and make sure that the clothing you wear to the hospital is easy on easy off: I word a pull over cotton dress with a high waist and flip-flops. Dressing was really easy post-op.

2.1 I wore booty socks, but I thought back and wished I had brought a fun pair!!

3. Make sure you bring your own pads! Hospital ones suck!
3.11 Really, what is up with hospital pads? Someone should do an expose' on them.

4. Bring toothbrush and tooth paste--I can't tell you how much better I felt after being able to brush my teeth!

5. Bring your wedding ring with you to the hospital--DH will have to hold it, but after surgery, demand that he propose to you again with the ring, and mean it again! hahahaha

6. Make a mix of songs for DH on the IPOD. My DH was a spaz and a freak, so my yoga mix relaxed him a lot.

7. At home, make sure that the couch or wherever you land is already set up and waiting for you.

7.1 Pillows from the cedar chest have a nice smell to them
7.2 Put a sheet or comforter down on the couch, too

8. Before surgery, make sure the dog has been washed, the dishes are done, the clothes done and put away, the house is clean, etc. Trust me; a clean house makes for a relaxing recovery. I am stressing the importance of clean sheets on the bed, too. There's nothing like clean sheets to make you feel good.

8.1 A clean dog can be fun to cuddle on the couch with during movie time.

9. Post-op food: I chose to go with homemade broccoli and roasted red pepper soup. If you want the recipe, let me know. It was delicious and nutritious.

10. They say don't watch funny movies or shows, but hell, I learned how to soft laugh while watching 30 Ro.ck, The Best of S.NL with Farl.ey and Ferrell. Also, remember that there is a good chance you'll fall asleep during the movies anyway, so maybe rent a couple that DH will enjoy, too.

10.1 I know this is about us, but my poor DH was a mess--he's a tough guy,
but he was freaking out alot. I swear he needed the sedative!

11. Get up and move around, even if you don't want to. Gentle yoga poses are helpful, too, such as forward bend, child's pose, seated bound angle (gentle!), and also hold your arms high above you for periods of time: this helped with the shoulder pain from the CO2 gas.

12. Drink lots of water and hot herbal teas.

13. If you did a bowel cleanse before, you are going to want to fill up with poop-happy foods: broccoli soup, coconut water (I recommend Zinco: mango or passion fruit), fresh squeezed vegetable juice (I recommend carrot-apple-celery, or for those who like it spicy, add some ginger), bananas (high in fiber!). My surgery was Thursday afternoon, and I pooped Saturday morning. Nice!

14. Since you are home bound for a few days, get you girlie supplies stocked: I chose to make it my 36 hour facial. For me, I prefer Ave.da products, so I had the candle lit, and used a scrub, face mask, eye treatment, etc, for days. My face skin has never been happier!! Ahhhh...

15. Worst part for me was peeing at home for about 6-8 hours after the catheter was removed. All I can say is drink lots of water and pee pee pee. Instead of screaming, I started singing a really high note and let it loose.

16. If you get you own copy of the DVD of you surgery, watch it right away, and on the big screen! Dude, this technology is awesome, and you can see your lady bits on the TV!!!

16.2 If DH is watching this with you, suggest he make himself popcorn (hahah)
16.7 Yeah, and ask DH is this video can considered po.rn? hahaha

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Laparoscopy and Hysterscopy part II

Now that I am off the Vico.din and feeling more like myself, I plan to write a bit about what I know and how these two procedures may have answered my IF questions.

Hystereoscopy: the RE was able to explore the inside of my uterus. She found that the majority of it was covered in either polyps or fibroids. My vag US in 2007 did not see this, but the most recent one in November observed a large polyp. In addition, my HSG in August showed abnormal uterus, possible fibroid. So, the RE cleaned out the uterus, and she even gave me a DVD showing some of the procedure. Mostly I was able to see what she saw: the before and after. Also, the RE was able to look at the fallopian tubes from the inside and said they both looked great at the opening. Afterwards: right after surgery, I had a bit of blood, then brown spotted and leaked a bit of fluid. Two days after, I am bleeding a bit, but I am due for AF, so that might be it.

Laparoscopy: the RE was able to explore the outside of my lady pieces. She saw a small fibroid on the outside of the uterus and got rid of it. She found a tiny bit of endo and got rid of it, but said that this had nothing to do with my IF. She also was able to look at my ovaries and fallopian tubes. They looked great from the outside, and the ovary I ovulated from this month had the cyst/egg sac, so that is great. Again, she did the lap on CD 25--most laps are done before ovulation. When the blue/purple dye was put into the uterus, she saw that the right tube did not leak but the left tube did. This was already confirmed from the HSG, but the HSG did not confirm the look and the health of the tubes. All looked good to her, and again I received a DVD of the before and after. Afterwards: tender feeling around the incisions. I had three: one in the bellybutton that required stitches and two others that only had tape on them. I was a bit puffy/bloated in the gut for about 48 hours. My surgery was Thursday afternoon, and today, Sunday, I feel like I can fit into jeans again. The sharp pains from the CO2 were masked by the Vicodi.n, but when I went off the pain pills 48 hours later, I felt them a bit. Holding my arms up in the air helped; also, child's pose and forward bend also helped with the pain. I must stress that this was not pain, but it was discomfort and really annoying. But not painful.

My honest opinion: Both of these procedures gave me answers, or at least clarified some of the questions surrounding my IF. I now have a cleaned out uterus, which according to the RE was probably the thing holding me back. For almost two years I had mid-cycle spotting, and I was told that spotting was "good" and meant that I was fertile. The truth is that the mid-cycle spotting probably was coming from all the bits and pieces growing in the Uterus. Who knows. I do know that I wished I would have pushed for something like this earlier with my OB. I was not aggressive enough; I know my body, and I knew that something was not right a while ago. Will I get pregnant? I don't know. I do know that I have done everything I can do at this stage. I will continue to eat well, take prenatals, meditate, practice yoga, exercise, laugh a lot, enjoy my husband and my friends, and try to love life. My outlook and my attitude are the things I can control, and that's all I can do.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


Made it home by 6:00 today. I am a little goofy/woozy from the drugs, but the only thing that really hurts is my urethra from the catheter. When I pee I want to scream.

The questions of my IF have been answered: my ute was loaded with polyps and fibroids (all gone now), my both tubes look good, but the dye did not go through the right one, and my ovaries looked awesome--the left one looked like it had ovulated this month, so that is good news. I am cycle day 25, so that is accurate.

The best news is that there was a teenie bit of endo outside my ute which she got rid of.

I am clean, and I got a DVD of the before and after. That, my friends, makes the pain worth it.

I'll post more tomorrow. Cheers, and I hope my lap buddy, Kitty, is doing well, too.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Lap/Hysteroscopy part 1: Twas the night before..

It's 5:30 PM, and I am beginning the Mag Citrate. I got the red stuff in a bottle. This 10 OZ shouldn't be so bad going down. I put it on ice and am sipping it through a straw. Hmm, do you think I can add a bit of vodka to it and make things fun?
(Pictured above: two prescriptions for post-op, mag citrate bottle and stuff "on the rocks," moist wipes, TP, and Bou.dreaux's Butt Paste for my tushie, and good ol' Kettle One for inspiration)

24 hours

Hey all, sorry I haven't been responding to all your wonderful posts. I finished up the semester yesterday, toasted with my fellow teachers at our Christmas gathering (yup, champagne at 1:00 on a Tuesday!), then began to prepare the house (and the fridge) for my post-op. I have my lap and hysterscopy tomorrow at 12:30. I just got back from the doctor and the hospital for the pre-op stuff. I haven't been to a hospital in years and years, and it seems that everyone in this place hates their job. The admitting person was cranky, the phlebotomist almost made me cry when she took two vials of my blood (I have always been stellar at giving blood--you can't hurt me, or at least I thought), and even the volunteers were bitchy. WTF?

I hate hospitals.

But the RE's office was awesome. After my pre-op consult with the doc, I sauntered over to the desk to pay and I got "Good luck tomorrow" or "We're pulling for you" from every nurse. And when I got to the desk to pay, she, too, was super excited for me and my surgery. It feels like I am going in tomorrow to play an important basketball game, and I've gotten all the high fives from the fans. My RE office rocks, and those nurses, lab techs, and office managers are always smiling. I can't imagine how shitty and tough it must be for them to deal with crazy infertiles. They seem to get it, and that is all I can ask for.

So my plan for today was to eat one final delicious meal (done already, had a brief lunch with DH), run errands (done), and clean and cook. The RE said the enema or bowel cleaning was up to me. She recommends it, but says I don't have to do it. I think I am going to roll on over to the drugstore and research my options. I am not thrilled with the thought of this process, but I think it might be best, since I may have endo around the lower bowel.

So, the rest of the day= washing the dog, reading blogs, laundry, eating fruit and veg, clean out the car, cook, and yoga. I hope to see you all on the flip side, and I promise to tell all the details once I have the energy. Thanks again to all of you who helped with the emotional prep these past few weeks.


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

freak-out, pre-auth, referral, how much do you want for that?

So a few minor stresses these past weeks or so.

1. I am still waiting on the ins. company to approve the lap and hysterscopy. "Pended," it says.

2. Blinking blinking waiting on approval for a stupid blood test I had at the RE: ladies, have you had this test? Well, don't, or, wait a bit on it. I guess during the whole hoopla at the RE office, I agreed to a cystic fi.brosis blood test, DNA thing (why I did I do not understand...I don't care if my baby has any "defect"--I just want to parent a child). This blood test is $1300 and some change!!! WTF? My insurance company can't decide if they are going to pay for this. I guess you are allowed one in a lifetime, so maybe they are checking to see if I had this before...uh, um, but right now I have that tab hanging over my head.

3. Damn the Internet and google!! I have been obsessed about my unknown prognosis and have freaked myself into a corner...should I be concerned about the scarring from the lap and TTC? Seems like I should be. I hadn't thought about it but some people say I should be concerned. What's the dealio? Has anyone been knocked up successfully after a lap? My friend was fine, but is she the only one? Seems to be the case, according to google!!

4. My surgery is for 12:30 in the afternoon. No food or water will be fine, but can I brush my teeth that morning? I hope so!

5. I have been spotting every day since AF left. Spotting and I mean pink some days, brown some others, brown sticky goop on other days!! I am ruining my panties and I hate practicing yoga with undies on! bleah!!!!!

6. I was such a spaz on bla.ck Frid.ay that I repainted the entire bedroom--I went from medium green to a light beige...hello three coats of paint, sore back, and I am still high from the fumes.

7. My 12:30 surgery happens 24 hours before DH leaves on a trip to see his parents. He offered to cancel the trip and I said "hell no!" If he doesn't go see them, they'll come here and I am in no mood to handle crazy in-laws this year.

8. I am tempted to open the nice bottle of red wine right now...it's 2:30 in the afternoon. Not a good idea, huh?

9. If I open that bottle of wine, I'll be too trashed to practice yoga this evening. I need yoga. I do not need wine.

10. Do I really mean #9?

11. It is 50 and raining in my sweet city; my puppy is pissed because he is stuck inside.

12. Thanks for listening.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Having an affair...with my DH!

For the first time in, oh, years, we are not TTC this month. With the orders of abstinence from the OB because of the upcoming surgery, I've been forced to ignore the CM, the ovulation pain (ouch! today!), the sex drive that comes along with this time. And although I am not temping, I am still charting my signs on FF (damn them! I paid for a year and I am going to use it for that time).

It's bizarre, actually.

Plus, we aren't doin' it, and that's weird, too, but kinda in a oohh-you-can't-have-me kinda tease. It's been a little fun, I won't lie. Not the tease part, but the anticipation, and the other stuff! Ladies, I feel like we are dating again and I'm not giving it up! hahahahaha This kind of passion seems to have been lost with all the timed BD and stress. I am enjoying this playfulness. I'm not kidding. I feel like a teenager!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Reflection, pardon the dust

Today I have been in a state of euphoria of sorts. I think it has something to do with the energy surrounding me now that the my workload has lightened up a bit. I am living the life of an academic: my job revolves around a fall or spring semester, and if I choose to, I can work in the summer. This schedule requires an extreme amount of pressure and stress for about 15 weeks at a time. Often during these stretches of time I feel like I am underwater, trying to come to the surface for a quick drink of air before I descend back into the abyss.

So when the 15 weeks are over, I feel alive and new and extremely grateful that I made it to the end because at the end, there is the reflection part: what worked well, what didn't, having thankful (or pissed) students, reassessing the next semester.

I'm not sure where I am going with this post. All I know is that today I woke up and cuddled with DH a bit longer. I was out of the bed first, made coffee, hopped in the shower, read the paper with him, and felt so happy, and I mean really and truly peaceful happy. I stared at him when he was on the phone, doing some work calls, and I dropped down to the base of his chair and caressed his foot. I bowed my head on his knee and just breathed. He hung up the phone. The dog sidled up to us and found his way into our embrace.

It was just us and the dog on a Friday morning.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Yup, this month we have to abstain from intercourse. Blah!!!

Since my lap is scheduled for day 25, my options were to either go on BC for the month, or abstain from sex. I was on BC for a million years, and after working so hard to get my body tuned up with the lunar calender, there's no way I'm going back on the pill. No way, man. So I guess DH and I will have to be creative this month. How naughty, right?

In other news, I am on CD2 and the cramps are killing me. I am nearing the end of the semester, so my work load has lightened and I took the afternoon off to hang at home with the pup. Last night, DH and I watched "Up" the movie and I cried my eyes out at least 5 times throughout the movie. The first 10 minutes had me WEEPING!!! I won't spoil it for anyone, but, come on, how sad was the IF diagnosis? Did anyone else catch that subtle part? Geesh!!! I paused the movie, looked at DH, and lost it.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Lap/Hystereoscope Questions

Hey all--when anyone has time, can you send me some comments/suggestions about what to expect after the surgery? I'm trying to gauge how I'll feel afterwards so I can plan accordingly. And any tips or pointers, as well, would be so helpful. I am scheduled on a Thursday in December at 12:30 in the afternoon. How long until I am on my feet and dancing around the room?

If you like, you can link me to your blog page that discusses your lap/hystereoscope if that is easier.

Thanks ladies! I've still got a few weeks, but I am a freakish planner and want to start preparing both physically and mentally.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Raising the glass

There seems to be a lot of positive news around bloggerville lately. A few blogs that I am following have found themselves with BFP, and I just want to say that I am so elated to hear their news! Their good news gives me hope, and to that I say "Cheers!"

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Tie a string around it, part III: the final chapter

RIP babynip skin tag.

I did it. Uh, well, it did it, really. It had turned an ugly purple-ish black in the past few days, and I was beginning to get scared that the flesh of my flesh was going to start to stink. It was also hurting a bit, almost as if sensation was being transferred from skin tag to breast. Then this morning I twisted it a bit and it hurt. Later this afternoon I twisted it a bit more until it hurt. Finally tonight after yoga, I twisted it a few more times and it pulled right off. No blood. No pain. No scar or open wound. Nothing! I was so excited that I cheered loudly. I called DH to tell him "The nip fell off! The nip fell off!"

So now it is sitting on a tissue in the bathroom. I put it next to a dime and took a picture of it. I don't think I am going to post it, though.

I sure am proud.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

RE story: the first time is a charm

Yes, this is my lunch: friend shrimp po-boy, diet coke, and two pamphlets titled "Understanding Laparoscopy" and "Hysteroscopy."

And chocolate chip cookies that I made last night before bed.

So, the RE appointment was emotional and a bit more thorough than I thought it would be. They took my height, weight, and BP (138-86!!!) and then I met the doctor. Dr. S is amazing and comforting. I broke down in tears when she asked me about my sisters and their lady parts histories--what a ridiculous time to bawl (mascara running down my face! I wore mascara in the hopes I would will myself not to cry), but she was so kind and patient with my outburst. DH was surprisingly awesome, too. We were in the consult room for about 30 minutes and then she diagnosed me with severe menorrhagia and endo based on my history and all tests completed thus far.

I was shocked that she was able to do this. I honestly expected some BS like wanting to do (or redo) the bloodwork and tests in their lab, etc., you know, just to get more money. But it wasn't like that at all!

Next stage was that I got a internal ultrasound (dildo-cam) which confirmed uterine abnormalities (polyps, possible endo). The good news is that my ovary looked like it had ovulated.

Dr. S wants to do a lap and hysteroscopy asap, so I am tentatively scheduled for December 22 (Merry Christmas, right?) This date works out well because I am off from school at that time so I'll be able to recover without having to worry about missing days.

Dr. S thinks cleaning out the 'ol Ute and doing an ovary stimulation might be the direction we will go.

I know there is more to write about, and I plan to do some careful meditation on the experience soon. I had heard from some of you ladies about the waiting room, the lack of eye contact, the sadness, the angry husband paying the bill, bitching about how he's broke, mortgaged the house. I don't know if it is because I am a writer or what, but I tend to become absorbed in the "other" around me and drink it all up. I plan to write about these things very soon, and will share them on my blog.

BP 120/70 on the way out.

And, it only cost me my $40 copay because my diagnosis was a medical condition, not IF.

Today, the answers, the knowing and the still unknowing...it was a good day.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

twas the night before consult, and all through the house

Just wanted to post a little note before I go in tomorrow for the first RE consult. DH and I are drinking a glass of wine (only one!) and hoping to chill this evening. I am a bit freaked/scared about tomorrow for several reasons. One is that this is such a small city, and I wonder who I will run in to at the fertility clinic. Another is that I have this appointment right before I have to teach, so I fear the waterworks will be turned on full blast and I will end up looking like a sad weepy woman to all my students. bleh! Mostly I am scared of the unknown. What will the RE tell us? My fear about the last one is pretty much one of my ticks/faults. I don't do well with the not-knowing--presents, surprises, jumping off the deep end in a pool. I am scared, too, that the truth might hurt more than I can imagine. I am scared that the RE will say there is little to no chance of conception. Tonight-- it is just the unknown that frightens me.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Tie a string around it, part II

Update on the baby nip:

So I've had the piece of black thread around it for almost two weeks now. In the past few days, I've noticed that the skin tag is hardening a bit, and that it kinda hurts. So, after yoga last night, I did a little work on it. I put a cotton ball of rubbing alcohol on it and it burned! After careful research, I noticed that either it is beginning to fall off or it is starting to attack the string. Yes, the skin-tag-babynip is taking on a whole new obsession for me. I spent about 20 minutes staring at it, tooling with the string, pulling (and can you imagine how dizzy I was? here I am, staring straight down for so long, my eyes were twisted!!!). And then I realized that there is extreme sensation in it still. I mean, WTF?

Oh yes, the story continues.

So then I decided (chickened out) that I was going to take the string off. Well, not possible. I made DH tie the knot as if it were a fishing line, so there's no way this string is coming undone. I searched the house for something, anything, that I could use to pick apart the thread, and all I ended up with was a very very sore nip and babynip, cross-eyed headache, stress, and finally an extreme laughing fit. I am ridiculous, I know.

I'll give it a few more days, but I think I've got an uncomfortable doctor's visit looming because of my take-home surgery skills.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

when there is no point in trying...

And I mean that sincerely. This month's cycle has been, well, what cycle? I am not obsessing/stressing about what day it is, what my CM looks like, if I am eating the fertility-friendly foods. I just am, and I am really digging it. I've had more fun this past week than I have in the longest time. I managed to get in a nice Sunday brunch with friends, champagne, and more champagne, I drank with DH several times this past week, mostly just the casual glass of wine or two. Mostly I feel lighter and more free than I have in a long time.

In addition, I managed to come out to two people, one friend of about 3 years, one of about 20, and both offered up their uterus to me and DH. I am pretty sure that they just said that to comfort me, but I love that they love me so much, they are willing to say anything or offer any sort of condolence. I have beautiful and wonderful friends. IF or not, I am pretty darn lucky. I can now actually talk about my diagnosis without weeping, so progress, I say.

On a lighter note, we have our RE consulting appointment next week. All of our records are in the process of being faxed or shipped, so we are all set. DH and I have also began the discussion of adoption/fostering. This whole process is so much more expensive than I had even realized; I am lost as to how the fees can add up. More research is definitely needed on this front.

Progress, I say.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Up all night and totally excited about it

So I spent the overnight on the couch with horrible cramps and mucho bleeding, and somewhere between 3 and 4 O'Clock in the AM, sometime after my 80th ad.vil and 34th al.eve, I got really excited. My period is the problem, not IF, so when I go see the MD in a few weeks, I will make sure that anything, any testing, is coded for heavy periods, heavy heavy cramps, and along with mid-cycle bleeding, there can be no freakin way that the insurance company can deny testing of my fibroids, uterine abnormalities, etc. I mean, sheesh, today I was so tired and loopy from AF that I could barely teach. This is a medical issue, a medically treated condition per the verbiage from my Hu.ma.na docs, not infertility.

So there. Those insurance bitches are covering my whatever (not IVF, of course), and you better believe I will fight to the death for it.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Zen on a Sunday afternoon

I had to stop what I am doing right now and tell you what I am experiencing at this moment: DH is at work and it is just me and the dog. It is 60 something (cold for us in the deep south), the old wood windows are wide open, I'm wearing black fuzzy foot booties, comfy grey pants, a pink t-shirt and a worn-out navy hoodie. My I.POD is blasting my collection of Con.crete Bl.ond loudly and I don't care if I am disturbing the neighbors; they are all probably watching the football game, anyway. I am in the throes of grading some really badly written papers. The air smells crisp and clean, and the kettle on the stove is whistling at me, alerting me it's time for tea.

It's good to be employed, to be in love, to be alive, and to be jamming.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Obesessed? A post in response.

This post is in response to "Obsessed" by http://unproductivelyso.blogspot.com/


We are XX by nature. The minute we are conceived, our sex determination "allows" us to conceive and carry a child. Then, months later, we are born. It is then that we are gendered female/girl. We are dressed in a pink something or other in the hospital, given a pink tag around our foot, around our wrist. We are told we look "pretty' or "sweet." These terms continue and when we get a bit older, we are given dolls and are told to pretend to be mommies to our doll babies. Some of us are lucky to be given other toys that do not seal our gender, things like guns and trucks and other fun stuff. But mostly, girls/females/XX are told to play house, play dolls, play nice, wear a dress, don't get dirty. Even the tomboy in us is told, at times, to be more "lady-like."

When or if we rebel, we are reverted back to our sex determination, our XX, with the onset of menses. Period. Aunt Flo. The Bitch. Monthly, we are reminded that we can conceive and carry a child. When we get even a bit older, we are careful not to conceive that child just yet, so maybe we quit wearing skirts and playing with dolls, but we are reminded to use protection, get on birth control, keep our legs closed, sit up straight, be feminine. Every month for 7-10 years we are careful not to stain our knickers or stain our reputations.

When it is "time," and we believe we are ready to fulfill our destination, we find our that our gender, our sex, our bodies have deceived us. We are not who we thought we were, and that makes us a bit confused, maybe a bit angry, maybe a bit frustrated. We wonder how or why or what or whatthefuck? Meanwhile, all around us are ladies popping out babies left and right, friends telling us the news that they are "blessed" with a pregnancy?Blessed? (I hate that term because, logically, if someone is blessed with conception, then those of us who don't conceive are not blessed? And then we are spiritually infertile, too?)

For most of us who have the diagnosis of "female infertility," we want answers as to why. Obsession isn't the right word for this. And I am not sure that any one of us IF girls/women have the correct term for it.

Friday, October 16, 2009

appropriate post

Wow, I can't believe how fast this week went by. Monday and Tuesday was fall break from school and teaching, so I was able to catch a nice lunch with wine on Monday, got pretty buzzed on Monday night, and relaxed a bit on Tuesday. DH and I were able to chisel away at the conversation stuff about TTC and I was pretty proud of my ability to hold it together. I am feeling a bit better about the prognosis; I have only freaked out and bawled once this week! Yeah!

But yesterday I started feeling a bit yucky. I think I am coming down with a cold or something. blah! Spot also showed up the past couple of days, so I am now aware of AF's upcoming visit sometime this weekend or early next week.

It rained pretty much all week, and we finally saw temps fall below the 80 degree mark. This morning and today it felt like fall: north wind and all. New season, new attitude, I guess. Let's hope for some happy fall news for everyone. I've got my fingers crossed for you all!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Tie a string around it (TMI post)

So at my annual on Friday, I asked my OB about the mysterious third nipple growing from the side of my left nipple. I joke about it, but in the past year, it really looks like another nipple is growing--full of sensation and all. She diagnosed it as a skin tag and said I could do one of two things. I could see a dermatologist and get it removed, or I can just tie a string around it to cut off circulation, and it will fall off on its own. Huh? You mean like the three stooges, and how they pull teeth with a string and a doorknob?

So this AM, after an exhausting fight/serious conversation, DH and I went for a much needed run. After we both got back and showered, I asked him to tie a string around my baby nip. He looked utterly disgusted, confused, and freaked. Once he got up the courage, I raided my sewing kit, choosing black as the appropriate color, and he tied it up.

Bizarre, no?

Saturday, October 10, 2009

the first 24 hours

I guess I am not all that into living dangerously...the extent of my outburst about IF was to drink 3 glasses of Cab and pig-out on chips, dip, and soda.

Wow, I'm soooooo bad.

nah, instead I was the calm, cool-headed gal I pride myself in being: I scheduled my first RE appointment for November 4th, and that'll be $215, please. I'll update it on my running total once I've written the check. It's a consultation. I even asked if I had to get naked for the first visit; the receptionist chuckled a bit. So I've got to get busy in the next few weeks gathering medical records from my doctor and DH's sperm-counter doctor. Hey, how do they count sperm, anyway? Is is like an automated coin counter at the bank? Or does some poor lab assistant/graduate assistant have to sit there and count (one million four hundred thousand fifty-one heads-and-tails sperm in the jar....one million dour hundred thousand fifty-two...)?

I'm feeling better, though I won't lie: I've had crying episodes on and off today, and the party I was supposed to go to this evening will have to party-on without me. I gotta deal, ya know. Gotta deal.

I'm still not sure who I plan to "come out" to. I already told DH that this was none of his crazy mother's business yet, and that if he needed to talk to someone, it better as hell be me first since he never wants to talk. He agreed. I don't mean to sound so pushy, but technically it is my medical condition (wasn't I just complaining that it is actually "ours" last week)? I know, I need to make up my mind.

Friday, October 9, 2009

My award

This is my first award, given to me by the lovely Jill at http://wouldmakethree.blogspot.com/.
I am supposed to list ten things that my readers do not know about me. Hmmm... 1. I am terrified of thunder. I still put my fingers in my ears during thunderstorms, especially in the night. Speaking of storms, one is about to begin very very soon where I'm at, so I better hurry and finish this post to free up my fingers.

2. I am a poet/writer. I haven't finished my first manuscript yet, but have had much success being published in journals throughout the years.

3. Cheese fries are my weak spot.

4. I have two sisters and one brother. One sister has two kids, one sister is infertile, and my brother has had issue with his testicles that make me believe he, too, will have fertility issues. They say that infertility isn't hereditary, but I am starting to believe otherwise. When I ask my mom if she took any medication when she was pregnant with us, she says she can't remember anything about the 70s. Thanks, mom. That's not too helpful.

5. My ne.tflix account has declared me to be someone who "enjoys dark movies with a strong female lead." Sometimes I think my netf.lix account understands me better than anyone.

6. I have been told that my laugh is contagious; I laugh a lot and hard, sometimes accompanied by a snort.

7. I think my chocolate chip cookies are better than any other chocolate chip cookies. Yeah, that's right. I am saying it out loud.

8. I have always wanted to live out of the country for a brief period of time. I don't know if I will ever get the chance to do it.

9. I have contemplated beginning a phd. program in my field. I am struggling with the next steps of my life and am not sure of my heart's desire yet.

10. I like to sing, although I am not good at it, really. Mostly my songs are written and composed on the fly and in my head: a song about my dog's poop, a tune about a friend's name, my fake rendition of an opera song, whatever. I know I am stressed out when I don't find song in something. It's been one of those weeks around here.

My plans

for the next 24 hours, all the things I've denied myself:

Go out to a club tonight, listen to music, breathe in that lovely, sexy, 2nd hand smokey air, drink heavily and I mean shots!!!, then head out to a 24hour diner, eat fried everything, ride on the back of someone's pick-up truck, slap on roller blades, and get dragged (wow, very dangerous), drink 2 pots of coffee in the morning, eat more fried everything, then, when the stores open, go on a wild and crazy shopping spree at Sa.ks (if they'll even let me in--I'll be stinking of smoke and booze and fresh air and fried foods).

Yeah, then I'll scoop kitty liter, spray for bugs (been avoiding those toxic chemicals), eat more fried food, dye my hair (chemicals), paint my nails (more chemicals), then suck down a beer and a shot of whiskey.


Yup, I'm gonna go wild.

It's officially official

I've been told that I need to see an RE.

At my visit to the OB, oh, about 30 minutes ago, the doc read my HSG report which basically translates that I've got the one bad tube, one that kinda opened and leaked dye, and reports of fibroids. She said it'll take IVF to increase my chances conconceiving.


Yeah, I guess I shouldn't be that upset. It has just been a long 2plus years trying on our own: the charting, the temping, the timed intercourse (not fun, sometimes), the stress, the fights, the "tame" lifestyle-just-in-case-I-got-knocked-up-this-time.

If I can offer any advice to anyone out there TTC, get the info sooner than later. I don't know if the heartache would have been less had I known last year instead of now, but what I do know is that much of what life should be about has taken a back seat to the TTC madness. Maybe I should just live life for a while--stay out later, get drunk again, eat shitty foods again, start shopping again for cute clothes and pay top dollar (because I won't be preggo anytime soon so I will fit into that outfit!!), plan vacations months in advance (because I won't be preggo anytime soon so I will be able to wear a bikini, drink margaritas on the beach).

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

If we must fight, let it be like...

Today...this morning was a blow-up of huge proportions. My DH and I are like that when it comes to IF related stuff. He never wants to talk about it, or rather, I get the urge to talk and he tends to either 1. listen well (rare) or 2. make some sort of grunt or gesture that says "I am not interested right now." For him, he has this mechanism of only handling X amount of stuff in his mind at one time, and lately, there have been a lot of other things we are dealing with along with IF stuff, such as selling our house, looking for another. He's also a very busy person at his job, and I know the stress of it gets to him.

So, this morning we got some disappointing news about a house we had bid on and were working to short sale it. The deal fell through, and we've had this in the works for months on top of the years we have been taking care of the property due to a negligent homeowner. Boo and hiss. Upon hearing this news, he and I acted disappointed, spoke about a few things, and then I kinda went off. Here's why:

He acted more upset about losing the bid on the house than he ever had dealing with the IF issue. And something inside of me clicked...I mean shut on!!! WTF? I ranted to him about how we keep having disappointments monthly...MONTHLY! I mean, can I get something emotional from him about this? My IF is our life, and most of the time I feel like my IF is only my IF, my problem. His defense was that he thought we were just going to chill out for awhile on the IF issue since we were thinking of buying the new house, etc. WTF? I don't ever remember that conversation.

Most of this craziness is coming from my anticipated visit to the OB on Friday. I think this is the final conversation she and I are going to have concerning my reproductive future. We are finally going to discuss the HSG results and the possible use of Cl.omid. As far as any further IF treatment, I'll need to see an RE which will definately not be covered under my insurance. So many uncertainties, and I am just built to take all of what life throws at me and ingest. Sometimes I wish I could be like DH and tuck some of life's issues away.

Friday, October 2, 2009

mid-cycle, etc

So I am day 12 of this cycle, and all signs look good. I am not sure about anyone else, but for me, right before I ovulate, my body shoots out bright pink blood. What I mean to say is that I'll have a couple of days of eggwhite CM, then O-cramps, then a bright spot of pink watery CM, then several days of brown spotting with EWCM. This has been happening to me for over a year, so inspite of what the internet says about that being an excellent sign of fertility, I am not reaping any benefits from this mid-cycle ghost. Has anyone heard of this personally or know of this happening to anyone who is TTC? When this first started happening, my OB did bloodwork and a vag. ultrasound and all came back fine.

I don't feel so fine about it.

Tonight I participated in a restorative yoga class. When I practice yoga, I tend to lean toward the power/Ashtanga sort: lots of deliberate movement, lots of sweating, lots of discomfort and breathing. It's always suited me. I am also a runner (although not much of one lately).

However, tonight I took a restorative yoga class. These postures are supposed to be non-aggressive, "delicious" as my teacher calls them. Tonight, not so much. In a pose that was suppose to be soothing, I felt intense pressure on my lower back, my lower front parts. I felt very aware, and although I can't say that it hurt, but the consciousness, the awareness of that area hurt; I cried. I know this sounds weird. It feels weird to talk about it. Today, tonight--I feel like I became aware of something inside that hurts. A deep ache. The root chakra ached. I hope I am explaining this well enough. If this is my IF, my block, I've found it. And I am sad about it.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

ramblings of the sardonic sort

I had one of those days...you know...well

One of my students emailed me to tell me that she missed class for "female" reasons, then proceeded to tell me she got an abortion.

I didn't want to hear that. And it's not because I want to discuss the abortion debate (not on my blog, please)...I just didn't want to hear about another poor, working class college student getting knocked up. Just. Like. That.

Several years ago, my neighbor got knocked up while she was a prostitute (I live in a very unique place). My neighbor was 17 at the time. She had the baby. I often went to her house to help her diaper, showed her how to rock the baby, how to wash the clothes in the sink with Ivory, why talking and singing to the baby is so important. How reading baby books now will not only help her child but also herself to learn to read.

She kept it for about 3 months, then gave it up for adoption. She couldn't take care of it, she said.

When I told a good good friend of mine the story recently, my friend asked why I didn't ask my neighbor for the baby.

Seriously? It's not a purse. I can't just ask for one, can I? If that's the case, I'll tell my students they'll get extra credit for getting knocked up, carrying to full term, then signing their parental rights over to me.

Sheesh. I mean, come on.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Hello fall

I'm beginning another cycle in the TTC race. Who am I racing? No one, I suppose, so bad metaphor. But in a sense, I am in a race for time. I'll be turning 35 this January (yikes!) and although I am happy to be older and seasoned, I freak out a bit about the age of my reproductive self.

Nevertheless, I am excited about the new season. I love fall, especially here in the deep south, where fall means less humidity, 75-80 degree days, 65 degree nights, music festivals, Halloween, and just more energy. I do miss the Midwest fall, though, with the changing of colors, apple cider, crispy winds, and pumpkin patches.

I expect to be at the OB this cycle for the annual and the next steps in my ttc. I was hoping for a free baby (hahaha, you know what I mean), but I think that may not be the case for us. As the season changes, so must our plans.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

cost of IF continued

DH SA and md visit: $337

Will add to running total:$1360 and some change.

Friday, September 18, 2009

cycling on the moon

This isn't going to be a post about Lan.ce Arm.strong. I'm talking about the female cycle. What I have noticed this past year is that my body is now cycling with the moon. Over a year ago, I use to get AF on the full moon. Now I am flowing with the new moon, which I understand to be the "natural cycle." I've read up on this since I've been TTC. I am someone who has a regular cycle (28-31 days) but never really paid much attention to the moon and the cycle until I started charting.

A piece of advice that I was given was to sleep with the shade open during the full moon so that my body gets the appropriate light, etc., to sync up. I've been doing that, and I can't say for sure if that has helped, but I do seem to O closer to the full moon, and I get AF the day before, on, or the day or two after the new moon.

I even went so far as to get my na.tal chart written, and although it sits in my gma.il inbox, I have yet to fully understand what it says. It's quite amazing how much time and energy are spent devoted to the worries and wonders of fertility for us IF-ers.

Today's poem of the day: Jim Simmerman's "Moon Go Away, I Don't Love You No More."

Who knows why, really.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

cost of infertility

I thought I would post the actual cost of infertility as it pertains to those unfortunate ones whose insurance (and state laws) suck.


blood tests (progesterone and tsh because my OB coded these for infertility)= $182.25

I plan to keep a running total of my TTC tab, only because I think it is relevant. Yes, I understand that $1000.00 is a drop in the bucket, and I know that raising a child is expensive, blah blah blah.

I just don't understand why some states have to suck so bad. Infertility is not a treatable disease in my state. Nice, eh?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Dreaming on Tuesday Morn'

Had this lovely and colorful dream before the alarm went off this morning. I was celebrating the 2010 new year with 3 friends (none who I recognize) and after I drank champagne, three of the four of us took a HPT. Two were positive, one was negative. Mine was one of the positive ones, so I took another test and that too came up positive. I searched the party for my DH, and when I found him (it was more like a fuzzy image of some dude) I told him the news. There was much joy in this dream, and although the whole thing was hazy, there was high energy and happiness in each room I entered.

I hit my snooze button three times, hoping to return to this place

Monday, September 14, 2009

That time of the month

I'm referring to CD 24, or about a week before I expect AF. This time of the month, I search fert.ilit.y fr.iend "find charts like mine" to see if all of my work resembles someone else's with a "+" sign. This time of the month, I start making deals with a higher power. Around this time, I think about how utterly schocked I will be once I find out, I think about how I will tell DH, how I will tell family and friends. Once I've got the Polly.anna out of me, I think the dreaded "what if it'll never happen" again this month, then dream of the ideal place/city/country I could be living while I live out this life, childless.

And although I declared that we were TAB this month, the brain doesn't calculate it and continues to buzz and churn.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Heart to heart?

So I was driving home tonight from a night class that I teach, listening to some tunes on the radio, when I heard the song, "All I Want to Do is Make Love to You" by Heart. You know this song? With lyrics like this, who can forget:

ooh we made love like strangers
all night long
we made love.

Alright, I get it. But as the song played on, I realized that the lyrics are not only about infidelity, but about about male infertility. Really? I don't know. There's that part about him seeing his own eyes, then she tells him he gave her the one little thing that her man couldn't (a baby?)


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

fuzzy day

Confession #1: Bless me blog, for today, I am feeling negative. I woke up this morning, well, pissed off, and I can't blame it on anything cycle related (I'm only on CD 18!), weather related (it's always sunny in this freakin town!), or career/relationship related. I'm just a bit sour today.

I hope you understand. Nobody else does.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

My first post

So, I've been reading ttc blogs for some time now, and I've decided to start posting my own. Hello to all of you ladies who have made me laugh, cry, and sigh these past months. My story is much like yours: I've been TTC for 2 years now, and like many of you, have had my share of disappointments. I am hoping to gain some perspective on this blog as I try to figure out who I am, who I want to be, who I am supposed to be, and what the heck life is throwing at me now.

Right now I am on CD 12. My HSG last cycle caused us to TAB, and this month I've not temped, but all signs look good: lots of good CM, lots of BD. I have avoided my OB since the HSG. My next appointment is October for my annual, so I will have a better idea about the next steps. Honestly, I've enjoyed this mini break.

I'm the last of the girls in my group of friends to not be tugging around a little one. Most of them believe that I am OK with being childless; only a couple close friends know, or at least kinda know, what I am going through. I am not sure why I have been so discrete. No, that's a lie; I am discrete because I have always been able to achieve whatever it is I've put my mind to, and up to this point, my inablity to conceive feels like I am a failure, a word that does not work for me at all. I know, I am working on it. "Infertile" is a dirty word, but it is what I am right now (or at least that's what my OB is coding my bloodtests as).