Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Also, DH and I discussed the upcoming TTC events, and with my insistence, we decided to wait until the February cycle to begin cl.omid and menop.ur, mostly because I begin a new semester with new classes and new students, and if my brain is about to be tricked into early menopause, I'd like one full month of normalcy before I get nuts and crazy. The possible side effects of these fertility drugs freak me out a bit. Plus, if all is still on, this next cycle will be the good tube getting the egg, so who knows; maybe my romantic idea about natural conception will occur.
On a completely different note, the farmer's market today had the most delicious veggies I've seen in months; I was blown away by orange and purple cauliflower, gorgeous fennel, hearty rutabagas, and lots of heirloom peppers. And broccoli!!! It's going to be a fun Tuesday!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Yesterday was my post-op appointment, and bing bang boom, we are now in the clomid-menopur mode of planning. Turns out that the big plans are to start crazy TTC like never before. RE says to call the office on day 1, then bloodwork and US on day 2, then Clomid 100X2 per day for days 3-7, then a shot of menopur for days 8-10. No sex on day 9, but sex on day 10. Day 11, I get an US, lab work, and post-coital test to see if the swimmers have enough juice, etc, then plan to HCG trigger. Did you get all that? I am still spinning.
So you mean we shouldn't try on our own for a few months now that I am all cleaned out?
What about eastern meds? herbs? teas? acupuncture?
No, no, and no.
I am blown away by the clinical-ness of it all (I am sure this is not surprise to you all who have been through this and so much more), but I am still a bit of a romantic and believe that it may (and I mean slightly maybe) happen naturally.
Oh, and here's the kicker...this is a package deal, kinda like a spa. I got to see a menu-like form that showed me the package prices for this deal. $850 includes all-you-can-eat ultrasounds, a smorgasboard of bloodwork, any face-to-face appointments, all up until I ovulate. Don't get me wrong...the price is fine and right, but the menu-option thing is bizarre, and I can't help feeling the consumerism of infertility.
All in all, though, Merry Christmas!
Friday, December 18, 2009
I have always been very good at planning, saving money, retirement funds, etc. I wonder if I had imagined this TTC road in the past if I would have set aside funds per month for an IF account. Knowing me, I probably would have, then spent it sometime in my mid-twenties on a really cool vacation.
I got the final confirmation about the insurance, and they finally completed the file. Paid. Woot. Here's the kicker. The total cost of surgery is $3700 to the RE ($1850 for lap, $1850 for hysteroscopy), and the hospital fee is $21,346.95. The insurance price is $844.90 for the RE (I am responsible for $309.49) and $6246.41 for the hospital (I am responsible for 10 percent of that).
Numbers confuse me; something about this doesn't add up, and although I ended up paying almost $1000 for this surgery, my sisters out there without insurance would be stuck with a $25,000 bill.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
In other news, we are restless around here since it has been over a month since we did the love dance, and I called the doc today to ask, "When can I resume relations?" The rule is 2 weeks, but I don't know if I can last until December 24. Anyone else break the two week rule before?
And hey, what is up with the "two week" rule? There's the two week wait for POAS, two week wait to ovulate, two week wait to find out if the insurance actually paid for this surgery, and now two week wait to do it? Hmmm....
Monday, December 14, 2009
Essentials (a collection of advice I read/received/experienced)
1. Right after surgery, have DH waiting to make calls to people who you think will be calling shortly--call them before they call you so you can go home and have peace.
2. Bring a pair of cotton socks to wear during the surgery, and make sure that the clothing you wear to the hospital is easy on easy off: I word a pull over cotton dress with a high waist and flip-flops. Dressing was really easy post-op.
2.1 I wore booty socks, but I thought back and wished I had brought a fun pair!!
3. Make sure you bring your own pads! Hospital ones suck!
3.11 Really, what is up with hospital pads? Someone should do an expose' on them.
4. Bring toothbrush and tooth paste--I can't tell you how much better I felt after being able to brush my teeth!
5. Bring your wedding ring with you to the hospital--DH will have to hold it, but after surgery, demand that he propose to you again with the ring, and mean it again! hahahaha
6. Make a mix of songs for DH on the IPOD. My DH was a spaz and a freak, so my yoga mix relaxed him a lot.
7. At home, make sure that the couch or wherever you land is already set up and waiting for you.
7.1 Pillows from the cedar chest have a nice smell to them
7.2 Put a sheet or comforter down on the couch, too
8. Before surgery, make sure the dog has been washed, the dishes are done, the clothes done and put away, the house is clean, etc. Trust me; a clean house makes for a relaxing recovery. I am stressing the importance of clean sheets on the bed, too. There's nothing like clean sheets to make you feel good.
8.1 A clean dog can be fun to cuddle on the couch with during movie time.
9. Post-op food: I chose to go with homemade broccoli and roasted red pepper soup. If you want the recipe, let me know. It was delicious and nutritious.
10. They say don't watch funny movies or shows, but hell, I learned how to soft laugh while watching 30 Ro.ck, The Best of S.NL with Farl.ey and Ferrell. Also, remember that there is a good chance you'll fall asleep during the movies anyway, so maybe rent a couple that DH will enjoy, too.
10.1 I know this is about us, but my poor DH was a mess--he's a tough guy,
but he was freaking out alot. I swear he needed the sedative!
11. Get up and move around, even if you don't want to. Gentle yoga poses are helpful, too, such as forward bend, child's pose, seated bound angle (gentle!), and also hold your arms high above you for periods of time: this helped with the shoulder pain from the CO2 gas.
12. Drink lots of water and hot herbal teas.
13. If you did a bowel cleanse before, you are going to want to fill up with poop-happy foods: broccoli soup, coconut water (I recommend Zinco: mango or passion fruit), fresh squeezed vegetable juice (I recommend carrot-apple-celery, or for those who like it spicy, add some ginger), bananas (high in fiber!). My surgery was Thursday afternoon, and I pooped Saturday morning. Nice!
14. Since you are home bound for a few days, get you girlie supplies stocked: I chose to make it my 36 hour facial. For me, I prefer Ave.da products, so I had the candle lit, and used a scrub, face mask, eye treatment, etc, for days. My face skin has never been happier!! Ahhhh...
15. Worst part for me was peeing at home for about 6-8 hours after the catheter was removed. All I can say is drink lots of water and pee pee pee. Instead of screaming, I started singing a really high note and let it loose.
16. If you get you own copy of the DVD of you surgery, watch it right away, and on the big screen! Dude, this technology is awesome, and you can see your lady bits on the TV!!!
16.2 If DH is watching this with you, suggest he make himself popcorn (hahah)
16.7 Yeah, and ask DH is this video can considered po.rn? hahaha
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Hystereoscopy: the RE was able to explore the inside of my uterus. She found that the majority of it was covered in either polyps or fibroids. My vag US in 2007 did not see this, but the most recent one in November observed a large polyp. In addition, my HSG in August showed abnormal uterus, possible fibroid. So, the RE cleaned out the uterus, and she even gave me a DVD showing some of the procedure. Mostly I was able to see what she saw: the before and after. Also, the RE was able to look at the fallopian tubes from the inside and said they both looked great at the opening. Afterwards: right after surgery, I had a bit of blood, then brown spotted and leaked a bit of fluid. Two days after, I am bleeding a bit, but I am due for AF, so that might be it.
Laparoscopy: the RE was able to explore the outside of my lady pieces. She saw a small fibroid on the outside of the uterus and got rid of it. She found a tiny bit of endo and got rid of it, but said that this had nothing to do with my IF. She also was able to look at my ovaries and fallopian tubes. They looked great from the outside, and the ovary I ovulated from this month had the cyst/egg sac, so that is great. Again, she did the lap on CD 25--most laps are done before ovulation. When the blue/purple dye was put into the uterus, she saw that the right tube did not leak but the left tube did. This was already confirmed from the HSG, but the HSG did not confirm the look and the health of the tubes. All looked good to her, and again I received a DVD of the before and after. Afterwards: tender feeling around the incisions. I had three: one in the bellybutton that required stitches and two others that only had tape on them. I was a bit puffy/bloated in the gut for about 48 hours. My surgery was Thursday afternoon, and today, Sunday, I feel like I can fit into jeans again. The sharp pains from the CO2 were masked by the Vicodi.n, but when I went off the pain pills 48 hours later, I felt them a bit. Holding my arms up in the air helped; also, child's pose and forward bend also helped with the pain. I must stress that this was not pain, but it was discomfort and really annoying. But not painful.
My honest opinion: Both of these procedures gave me answers, or at least clarified some of the questions surrounding my IF. I now have a cleaned out uterus, which according to the RE was probably the thing holding me back. For almost two years I had mid-cycle spotting, and I was told that spotting was "good" and meant that I was fertile. The truth is that the mid-cycle spotting probably was coming from all the bits and pieces growing in the Uterus. Who knows. I do know that I wished I would have pushed for something like this earlier with my OB. I was not aggressive enough; I know my body, and I knew that something was not right a while ago. Will I get pregnant? I don't know. I do know that I have done everything I can do at this stage. I will continue to eat well, take prenatals, meditate, practice yoga, exercise, laugh a lot, enjoy my husband and my friends, and try to love life. My outlook and my attitude are the things I can control, and that's all I can do.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
The questions of my IF have been answered: my ute was loaded with polyps and fibroids (all gone now), my both tubes look good, but the dye did not go through the right one, and my ovaries looked awesome--the left one looked like it had ovulated this month, so that is good news. I am cycle day 25, so that is accurate.
The best news is that there was a teenie bit of endo outside my ute which she got rid of.
I am clean, and I got a DVD of the before and after. That, my friends, makes the pain worth it.
I'll post more tomorrow. Cheers, and I hope my lap buddy, Kitty, is doing well, too.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
I hate hospitals.
But the RE's office was awesome. After my pre-op consult with the doc, I sauntered over to the desk to pay and I got "Good luck tomorrow" or "We're pulling for you" from every nurse. And when I got to the desk to pay, she, too, was super excited for me and my surgery. It feels like I am going in tomorrow to play an important basketball game, and I've gotten all the high fives from the fans. My RE office rocks, and those nurses, lab techs, and office managers are always smiling. I can't imagine how shitty and tough it must be for them to deal with crazy infertiles. They seem to get it, and that is all I can ask for.
So my plan for today was to eat one final delicious meal (done already, had a brief lunch with DH), run errands (done), and clean and cook. The RE said the enema or bowel cleaning was up to me. She recommends it, but says I don't have to do it. I think I am going to roll on over to the drugstore and research my options. I am not thrilled with the thought of this process, but I think it might be best, since I may have endo around the lower bowel.
So, the rest of the day= washing the dog, reading blogs, laundry, eating fruit and veg, clean out the car, cook, and yoga. I hope to see you all on the flip side, and I promise to tell all the details once I have the energy. Thanks again to all of you who helped with the emotional prep these past few weeks.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
1. I am still waiting on the ins. company to approve the lap and hysterscopy. "Pended," it says.
2. Blinking blinking waiting on approval for a stupid blood test I had at the RE: ladies, have you had this test? Well, don't, or, wait a bit on it. I guess during the whole hoopla at the RE office, I agreed to a cystic fi.brosis blood test, DNA thing (why I did I do not understand...I don't care if my baby has any "defect"--I just want to parent a child). This blood test is $1300 and some change!!! WTF? My insurance company can't decide if they are going to pay for this. I guess you are allowed one in a lifetime, so maybe they are checking to see if I had this before...uh, um, but right now I have that tab hanging over my head.
3. Damn the Internet and google!! I have been obsessed about my unknown prognosis and have freaked myself into a corner...should I be concerned about the scarring from the lap and TTC? Seems like I should be. I hadn't thought about it but some people say I should be concerned. What's the dealio? Has anyone been knocked up successfully after a lap? My friend was fine, but is she the only one? Seems to be the case, according to google!!
4. My surgery is for 12:30 in the afternoon. No food or water will be fine, but can I brush my teeth that morning? I hope so!
5. I have been spotting every day since AF left. Spotting and I mean pink some days, brown some others, brown sticky goop on other days!! I am ruining my panties and I hate practicing yoga with undies on! bleah!!!!!
6. I was such a spaz on bla.ck Frid.ay that I repainted the entire bedroom--I went from medium green to a light beige...hello three coats of paint, sore back, and I am still high from the fumes.
7. My 12:30 surgery happens 24 hours before DH leaves on a trip to see his parents. He offered to cancel the trip and I said "hell no!" If he doesn't go see them, they'll come here and I am in no mood to handle crazy in-laws this year.
8. I am tempted to open the nice bottle of red wine right now...it's 2:30 in the afternoon. Not a good idea, huh?
9. If I open that bottle of wine, I'll be too trashed to practice yoga this evening. I need yoga. I do not need wine.
10. Do I really mean #9?
11. It is 50 and raining in my sweet city; my puppy is pissed because he is stuck inside.
12. Thanks for listening.
Friday, November 27, 2009
It's bizarre, actually.
Plus, we aren't doin' it, and that's weird, too, but kinda in a oohh-you-can't-have-me kinda tease. It's been a little fun, I won't lie. Not the tease part, but the anticipation, and the other stuff! Ladies, I feel like we are dating again and I'm not giving it up! hahahahaha This kind of passion seems to have been lost with all the timed BD and stress. I am enjoying this playfulness. I'm not kidding. I feel like a teenager!
Friday, November 20, 2009
So when the 15 weeks are over, I feel alive and new and extremely grateful that I made it to the end because at the end, there is the reflection part: what worked well, what didn't, having thankful (or pissed) students, reassessing the next semester.
I'm not sure where I am going with this post. All I know is that today I woke up and cuddled with DH a bit longer. I was out of the bed first, made coffee, hopped in the shower, read the paper with him, and felt so happy, and I mean really and truly peaceful happy. I stared at him when he was on the phone, doing some work calls, and I dropped down to the base of his chair and caressed his foot. I bowed my head on his knee and just breathed. He hung up the phone. The dog sidled up to us and found his way into our embrace.
It was just us and the dog on a Friday morning.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Since my lap is scheduled for day 25, my options were to either go on BC for the month, or abstain from sex. I was on BC for a million years, and after working so hard to get my body tuned up with the lunar calender, there's no way I'm going back on the pill. No way, man. So I guess DH and I will have to be creative this month. How naughty, right?
In other news, I am on CD2 and the cramps are killing me. I am nearing the end of the semester, so my work load has lightened and I took the afternoon off to hang at home with the pup. Last night, DH and I watched "Up" the movie and I cried my eyes out at least 5 times throughout the movie. The first 10 minutes had me WEEPING!!! I won't spoil it for anyone, but, come on, how sad was the IF diagnosis? Did anyone else catch that subtle part? Geesh!!! I paused the movie, looked at DH, and lost it.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
If you like, you can link me to your blog page that discusses your lap/hystereoscope if that is easier.
Thanks ladies! I've still got a few weeks, but I am a freakish planner and want to start preparing both physically and mentally.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I did it. Uh, well, it did it, really. It had turned an ugly purple-ish black in the past few days, and I was beginning to get scared that the flesh of my flesh was going to start to stink. It was also hurting a bit, almost as if sensation was being transferred from skin tag to breast. Then this morning I twisted it a bit and it hurt. Later this afternoon I twisted it a bit more until it hurt. Finally tonight after yoga, I twisted it a few more times and it pulled right off. No blood. No pain. No scar or open wound. Nothing! I was so excited that I cheered loudly. I called DH to tell him "The nip fell off! The nip fell off!"
So now it is sitting on a tissue in the bathroom. I put it next to a dime and took a picture of it. I don't think I am going to post it, though.
I sure am proud.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
And chocolate chip cookies that I made last night before bed.
So, the RE appointment was emotional and a bit more thorough than I thought it would be. They took my height, weight, and BP (138-86!!!) and then I met the doctor. Dr. S is amazing and comforting. I broke down in tears when she asked me about my sisters and their lady parts histories--what a ridiculous time to bawl (mascara running down my face! I wore mascara in the hopes I would will myself not to cry), but she was so kind and patient with my outburst. DH was surprisingly awesome, too. We were in the consult room for about 30 minutes and then she diagnosed me with severe menorrhagia and endo based on my history and all tests completed thus far.
I was shocked that she was able to do this. I honestly expected some BS like wanting to do (or redo) the bloodwork and tests in their lab, etc., you know, just to get more money. But it wasn't like that at all!
Next stage was that I got a internal ultrasound (dildo-cam) which confirmed uterine abnormalities (polyps, possible endo). The good news is that my ovary looked like it had ovulated.
Dr. S wants to do a lap and hysteroscopy asap, so I am tentatively scheduled for December 22 (Merry Christmas, right?) This date works out well because I am off from school at that time so I'll be able to recover without having to worry about missing days.
Dr. S thinks cleaning out the 'ol Ute and doing an ovary stimulation might be the direction we will go.
I know there is more to write about, and I plan to do some careful meditation on the experience soon. I had heard from some of you ladies about the waiting room, the lack of eye contact, the sadness, the angry husband paying the bill, bitching about how he's broke, mortgaged the house. I don't know if it is because I am a writer or what, but I tend to become absorbed in the "other" around me and drink it all up. I plan to write about these things very soon, and will share them on my blog.
BP 120/70 on the way out.
And, it only cost me my $40 copay because my diagnosis was a medical condition, not IF.
Today, the answers, the knowing and the still unknowing...it was a good day.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
So I've had the piece of black thread around it for almost two weeks now. In the past few days, I've noticed that the skin tag is hardening a bit, and that it kinda hurts. So, after yoga last night, I did a little work on it. I put a cotton ball of rubbing alcohol on it and it burned! After careful research, I noticed that either it is beginning to fall off or it is starting to attack the string. Yes, the skin-tag-babynip is taking on a whole new obsession for me. I spent about 20 minutes staring at it, tooling with the string, pulling (and can you imagine how dizzy I was? here I am, staring straight down for so long, my eyes were twisted!!!). And then I realized that there is extreme sensation in it still. I mean, WTF?
Oh yes, the story continues.
So then I decided (chickened out) that I was going to take the string off. Well, not possible. I made DH tie the knot as if it were a fishing line, so there's no way this string is coming undone. I searched the house for something, anything, that I could use to pick apart the thread, and all I ended up with was a very very sore nip and babynip, cross-eyed headache, stress, and finally an extreme laughing fit. I am ridiculous, I know.
I'll give it a few more days, but I think I've got an uncomfortable doctor's visit looming because of my take-home surgery skills.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
In addition, I managed to come out to two people, one friend of about 3 years, one of about 20, and both offered up their uterus to me and DH. I am pretty sure that they just said that to comfort me, but I love that they love me so much, they are willing to say anything or offer any sort of condolence. I have beautiful and wonderful friends. IF or not, I am pretty darn lucky. I can now actually talk about my diagnosis without weeping, so progress, I say.
On a lighter note, we have our RE consulting appointment next week. All of our records are in the process of being faxed or shipped, so we are all set. DH and I have also began the discussion of adoption/fostering. This whole process is so much more expensive than I had even realized; I am lost as to how the fees can add up. More research is definitely needed on this front.
Progress, I say.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
So there. Those insurance bitches are covering my whatever (not IVF, of course), and you better believe I will fight to the death for it.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
It's good to be employed, to be in love, to be alive, and to be jamming.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
We are XX by nature. The minute we are conceived, our sex determination "allows" us to conceive and carry a child. Then, months later, we are born. It is then that we are gendered female/girl. We are dressed in a pink something or other in the hospital, given a pink tag around our foot, around our wrist. We are told we look "pretty' or "sweet." These terms continue and when we get a bit older, we are given dolls and are told to pretend to be mommies to our doll babies. Some of us are lucky to be given other toys that do not seal our gender, things like guns and trucks and other fun stuff. But mostly, girls/females/XX are told to play house, play dolls, play nice, wear a dress, don't get dirty. Even the tomboy in us is told, at times, to be more "lady-like."
When or if we rebel, we are reverted back to our sex determination, our XX, with the onset of menses. Period. Aunt Flo. The Bitch. Monthly, we are reminded that we can conceive and carry a child. When we get even a bit older, we are careful not to conceive that child just yet, so maybe we quit wearing skirts and playing with dolls, but we are reminded to use protection, get on birth control, keep our legs closed, sit up straight, be feminine. Every month for 7-10 years we are careful not to stain our knickers or stain our reputations.
When it is "time," and we believe we are ready to fulfill our destination, we find our that our gender, our sex, our bodies have deceived us. We are not who we thought we were, and that makes us a bit confused, maybe a bit angry, maybe a bit frustrated. We wonder how or why or what or whatthefuck? Meanwhile, all around us are ladies popping out babies left and right, friends telling us the news that they are "blessed" with a pregnancy?Blessed? (I hate that term because, logically, if someone is blessed with conception, then those of us who don't conceive are not blessed? And then we are spiritually infertile, too?)
For most of us who have the diagnosis of "female infertility," we want answers as to why. Obsession isn't the right word for this. And I am not sure that any one of us IF girls/women have the correct term for it.
Friday, October 16, 2009
But yesterday I started feeling a bit yucky. I think I am coming down with a cold or something. blah! Spot also showed up the past couple of days, so I am now aware of AF's upcoming visit sometime this weekend or early next week.
It rained pretty much all week, and we finally saw temps fall below the 80 degree mark. This morning and today it felt like fall: north wind and all. New season, new attitude, I guess. Let's hope for some happy fall news for everyone. I've got my fingers crossed for you all!
Sunday, October 11, 2009
So this AM, after an exhausting fight/serious conversation, DH and I went for a much needed run. After we both got back and showered, I asked him to tie a string around my baby nip. He looked utterly disgusted, confused, and freaked. Once he got up the courage, I raided my sewing kit, choosing black as the appropriate color, and he tied it up.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Wow, I'm soooooo bad.
nah, instead I was the calm, cool-headed gal I pride myself in being: I scheduled my first RE appointment for November 4th, and that'll be $215, please. I'll update it on my running total once I've written the check. It's a consultation. I even asked if I had to get naked for the first visit; the receptionist chuckled a bit. So I've got to get busy in the next few weeks gathering medical records from my doctor and DH's sperm-counter doctor. Hey, how do they count sperm, anyway? Is is like an automated coin counter at the bank? Or does some poor lab assistant/graduate assistant have to sit there and count (one million four hundred thousand fifty-one heads-and-tails sperm in the jar....one million dour hundred thousand fifty-two...)?
I'm feeling better, though I won't lie: I've had crying episodes on and off today, and the party I was supposed to go to this evening will have to party-on without me. I gotta deal, ya know. Gotta deal.
I'm still not sure who I plan to "come out" to. I already told DH that this was none of his crazy mother's business yet, and that if he needed to talk to someone, it better as hell be me first since he never wants to talk. He agreed. I don't mean to sound so pushy, but technically it is my medical condition (wasn't I just complaining that it is actually "ours" last week)? I know, I need to make up my mind.
Friday, October 9, 2009
I am supposed to list ten things that my readers do not know about me. Hmmm... 1. I am terrified of thunder. I still put my fingers in my ears during thunderstorms, especially in the night. Speaking of storms, one is about to begin very very soon where I'm at, so I better hurry and finish this post to free up my fingers.
2. I am a poet/writer. I haven't finished my first manuscript yet, but have had much success being published in journals throughout the years.
3. Cheese fries are my weak spot.
4. I have two sisters and one brother. One sister has two kids, one sister is infertile, and my brother has had issue with his testicles that make me believe he, too, will have fertility issues. They say that infertility isn't hereditary, but I am starting to believe otherwise. When I ask my mom if she took any medication when she was pregnant with us, she says she can't remember anything about the 70s. Thanks, mom. That's not too helpful.
5. My ne.tflix account has declared me to be someone who "enjoys dark movies with a strong female lead." Sometimes I think my netf.lix account understands me better than anyone.
6. I have been told that my laugh is contagious; I laugh a lot and hard, sometimes accompanied by a snort.
7. I think my chocolate chip cookies are better than any other chocolate chip cookies. Yeah, that's right. I am saying it out loud.
8. I have always wanted to live out of the country for a brief period of time. I don't know if I will ever get the chance to do it.
9. I have contemplated beginning a phd. program in my field. I am struggling with the next steps of my life and am not sure of my heart's desire yet.
10. I like to sing, although I am not good at it, really. Mostly my songs are written and composed on the fly and in my head: a song about my dog's poop, a tune about a friend's name, my fake rendition of an opera song, whatever. I know I am stressed out when I don't find song in something. It's been one of those weeks around here.
Go out to a club tonight, listen to music, breathe in that lovely, sexy, 2nd hand smokey air, drink heavily and I mean shots!!!, then head out to a 24hour diner, eat fried everything, ride on the back of someone's pick-up truck, slap on roller blades, and get dragged (wow, very dangerous), drink 2 pots of coffee in the morning, eat more fried everything, then, when the stores open, go on a wild and crazy shopping spree at Sa.ks (if they'll even let me in--I'll be stinking of smoke and booze and fresh air and fried foods).
Yeah, then I'll scoop kitty liter, spray for bugs (been avoiding those toxic chemicals), eat more fried food, dye my hair (chemicals), paint my nails (more chemicals), then suck down a beer and a shot of whiskey.
Yup, I'm gonna go wild.
At my visit to the OB, oh, about 30 minutes ago, the doc read my HSG report which basically translates that I've got the one bad tube, one that kinda opened and leaked dye, and reports of fibroids. She said it'll take IVF to increase my chances conconceiving.
Yeah, I guess I shouldn't be that upset. It has just been a long 2plus years trying on our own: the charting, the temping, the timed intercourse (not fun, sometimes), the stress, the fights, the "tame" lifestyle-just-in-case-I-got-knocked-up-this-time.
If I can offer any advice to anyone out there TTC, get the info sooner than later. I don't know if the heartache would have been less had I known last year instead of now, but what I do know is that much of what life should be about has taken a back seat to the TTC madness. Maybe I should just live life for a while--stay out later, get drunk again, eat shitty foods again, start shopping again for cute clothes and pay top dollar (because I won't be preggo anytime soon so I will fit into that outfit!!), plan vacations months in advance (because I won't be preggo anytime soon so I will be able to wear a bikini, drink margaritas on the beach).
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
So, this morning we got some disappointing news about a house we had bid on and were working to short sale it. The deal fell through, and we've had this in the works for months on top of the years we have been taking care of the property due to a negligent homeowner. Boo and hiss. Upon hearing this news, he and I acted disappointed, spoke about a few things, and then I kinda went off. Here's why:
He acted more upset about losing the bid on the house than he ever had dealing with the IF issue. And something inside of me clicked...I mean shut on!!! WTF? I ranted to him about how we keep having disappointments monthly...MONTHLY! I mean, can I get something emotional from him about this? My IF is our life, and most of the time I feel like my IF is only my IF, my problem. His defense was that he thought we were just going to chill out for awhile on the IF issue since we were thinking of buying the new house, etc. WTF? I don't ever remember that conversation.
Most of this craziness is coming from my anticipated visit to the OB on Friday. I think this is the final conversation she and I are going to have concerning my reproductive future. We are finally going to discuss the HSG results and the possible use of Cl.omid. As far as any further IF treatment, I'll need to see an RE which will definately not be covered under my insurance. So many uncertainties, and I am just built to take all of what life throws at me and ingest. Sometimes I wish I could be like DH and tuck some of life's issues away.
Friday, October 2, 2009
I don't feel so fine about it.
Tonight I participated in a restorative yoga class. When I practice yoga, I tend to lean toward the power/Ashtanga sort: lots of deliberate movement, lots of sweating, lots of discomfort and breathing. It's always suited me. I am also a runner (although not much of one lately).
However, tonight I took a restorative yoga class. These postures are supposed to be non-aggressive, "delicious" as my teacher calls them. Tonight, not so much. In a pose that was suppose to be soothing, I felt intense pressure on my lower back, my lower front parts. I felt very aware, and although I can't say that it hurt, but the consciousness, the awareness of that area hurt; I cried. I know this sounds weird. It feels weird to talk about it. Today, tonight--I feel like I became aware of something inside that hurts. A deep ache. The root chakra ached. I hope I am explaining this well enough. If this is my IF, my block, I've found it. And I am sad about it.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
One of my students emailed me to tell me that she missed class for "female" reasons, then proceeded to tell me she got an abortion.
I didn't want to hear that. And it's not because I want to discuss the abortion debate (not on my blog, please)...I just didn't want to hear about another poor, working class college student getting knocked up. Just. Like. That.
Several years ago, my neighbor got knocked up while she was a prostitute (I live in a very unique place). My neighbor was 17 at the time. She had the baby. I often went to her house to help her diaper, showed her how to rock the baby, how to wash the clothes in the sink with Ivory, why talking and singing to the baby is so important. How reading baby books now will not only help her child but also herself to learn to read.
She kept it for about 3 months, then gave it up for adoption. She couldn't take care of it, she said.
When I told a good good friend of mine the story recently, my friend asked why I didn't ask my neighbor for the baby.
Seriously? It's not a purse. I can't just ask for one, can I? If that's the case, I'll tell my students they'll get extra credit for getting knocked up, carrying to full term, then signing their parental rights over to me.
Sheesh. I mean, come on.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Nevertheless, I am excited about the new season. I love fall, especially here in the deep south, where fall means less humidity, 75-80 degree days, 65 degree nights, music festivals, Halloween, and just more energy. I do miss the Midwest fall, though, with the changing of colors, apple cider, crispy winds, and pumpkin patches.
I expect to be at the OB this cycle for the annual and the next steps in my ttc. I was hoping for a free baby (hahaha, you know what I mean), but I think that may not be the case for us. As the season changes, so must our plans.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
A piece of advice that I was given was to sleep with the shade open during the full moon so that my body gets the appropriate light, etc., to sync up. I've been doing that, and I can't say for sure if that has helped, but I do seem to O closer to the full moon, and I get AF the day before, on, or the day or two after the new moon.
I even went so far as to get my na.tal chart written, and although it sits in my gma.il inbox, I have yet to fully understand what it says. It's quite amazing how much time and energy are spent devoted to the worries and wonders of fertility for us IF-ers.
Today's poem of the day: Jim Simmerman's "Moon Go Away, I Don't Love You No More."
Who knows why, really.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
blood tests (progesterone and tsh because my OB coded these for infertility)= $182.25
I plan to keep a running total of my TTC tab, only because I think it is relevant. Yes, I understand that $1000.00 is a drop in the bucket, and I know that raising a child is expensive, blah blah blah.
I just don't understand why some states have to suck so bad. Infertility is not a treatable disease in my state. Nice, eh?
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I hit my snooze button three times, hoping to return to this place
Monday, September 14, 2009
And although I declared that we were TAB this month, the brain doesn't calculate it and continues to buzz and churn.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
ooh we made love like strangers
all night long
we made love.
Alright, I get it. But as the song played on, I realized that the lyrics are not only about infidelity, but about about male infertility. Really? I don't know. There's that part about him seeing his own eyes, then she tells him he gave her the one little thing that her man couldn't (a baby?)
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I hope you understand. Nobody else does.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Right now I am on CD 12. My HSG last cycle caused us to TAB, and this month I've not temped, but all signs look good: lots of good CM, lots of BD. I have avoided my OB since the HSG. My next appointment is October for my annual, so I will have a better idea about the next steps. Honestly, I've enjoyed this mini break.
I'm the last of the girls in my group of friends to not be tugging around a little one. Most of them believe that I am OK with being childless; only a couple close friends know, or at least kinda know, what I am going through. I am not sure why I have been so discrete. No, that's a lie; I am discrete because I have always been able to achieve whatever it is I've put my mind to, and up to this point, my inablity to conceive feels like I am a failure, a word that does not work for me at all. I know, I am working on it. "Infertile" is a dirty word, but it is what I am right now (or at least that's what my OB is coding my bloodtests as).