Friday, November 27, 2009

Having an affair...with my DH!

For the first time in, oh, years, we are not TTC this month. With the orders of abstinence from the OB because of the upcoming surgery, I've been forced to ignore the CM, the ovulation pain (ouch! today!), the sex drive that comes along with this time. And although I am not temping, I am still charting my signs on FF (damn them! I paid for a year and I am going to use it for that time).

It's bizarre, actually.

Plus, we aren't doin' it, and that's weird, too, but kinda in a oohh-you-can't-have-me kinda tease. It's been a little fun, I won't lie. Not the tease part, but the anticipation, and the other stuff! Ladies, I feel like we are dating again and I'm not giving it up! hahahahaha This kind of passion seems to have been lost with all the timed BD and stress. I am enjoying this playfulness. I'm not kidding. I feel like a teenager!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Reflection, pardon the dust

Today I have been in a state of euphoria of sorts. I think it has something to do with the energy surrounding me now that the my workload has lightened up a bit. I am living the life of an academic: my job revolves around a fall or spring semester, and if I choose to, I can work in the summer. This schedule requires an extreme amount of pressure and stress for about 15 weeks at a time. Often during these stretches of time I feel like I am underwater, trying to come to the surface for a quick drink of air before I descend back into the abyss.

So when the 15 weeks are over, I feel alive and new and extremely grateful that I made it to the end because at the end, there is the reflection part: what worked well, what didn't, having thankful (or pissed) students, reassessing the next semester.

I'm not sure where I am going with this post. All I know is that today I woke up and cuddled with DH a bit longer. I was out of the bed first, made coffee, hopped in the shower, read the paper with him, and felt so happy, and I mean really and truly peaceful happy. I stared at him when he was on the phone, doing some work calls, and I dropped down to the base of his chair and caressed his foot. I bowed my head on his knee and just breathed. He hung up the phone. The dog sidled up to us and found his way into our embrace.

It was just us and the dog on a Friday morning.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Yup, this month we have to abstain from intercourse. Blah!!!

Since my lap is scheduled for day 25, my options were to either go on BC for the month, or abstain from sex. I was on BC for a million years, and after working so hard to get my body tuned up with the lunar calender, there's no way I'm going back on the pill. No way, man. So I guess DH and I will have to be creative this month. How naughty, right?

In other news, I am on CD2 and the cramps are killing me. I am nearing the end of the semester, so my work load has lightened and I took the afternoon off to hang at home with the pup. Last night, DH and I watched "Up" the movie and I cried my eyes out at least 5 times throughout the movie. The first 10 minutes had me WEEPING!!! I won't spoil it for anyone, but, come on, how sad was the IF diagnosis? Did anyone else catch that subtle part? Geesh!!! I paused the movie, looked at DH, and lost it.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Lap/Hystereoscope Questions

Hey all--when anyone has time, can you send me some comments/suggestions about what to expect after the surgery? I'm trying to gauge how I'll feel afterwards so I can plan accordingly. And any tips or pointers, as well, would be so helpful. I am scheduled on a Thursday in December at 12:30 in the afternoon. How long until I am on my feet and dancing around the room?

If you like, you can link me to your blog page that discusses your lap/hystereoscope if that is easier.

Thanks ladies! I've still got a few weeks, but I am a freakish planner and want to start preparing both physically and mentally.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Raising the glass

There seems to be a lot of positive news around bloggerville lately. A few blogs that I am following have found themselves with BFP, and I just want to say that I am so elated to hear their news! Their good news gives me hope, and to that I say "Cheers!"

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Tie a string around it, part III: the final chapter

RIP babynip skin tag.

I did it. Uh, well, it did it, really. It had turned an ugly purple-ish black in the past few days, and I was beginning to get scared that the flesh of my flesh was going to start to stink. It was also hurting a bit, almost as if sensation was being transferred from skin tag to breast. Then this morning I twisted it a bit and it hurt. Later this afternoon I twisted it a bit more until it hurt. Finally tonight after yoga, I twisted it a few more times and it pulled right off. No blood. No pain. No scar or open wound. Nothing! I was so excited that I cheered loudly. I called DH to tell him "The nip fell off! The nip fell off!"

So now it is sitting on a tissue in the bathroom. I put it next to a dime and took a picture of it. I don't think I am going to post it, though.

I sure am proud.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

RE story: the first time is a charm

Yes, this is my lunch: friend shrimp po-boy, diet coke, and two pamphlets titled "Understanding Laparoscopy" and "Hysteroscopy."

And chocolate chip cookies that I made last night before bed.

So, the RE appointment was emotional and a bit more thorough than I thought it would be. They took my height, weight, and BP (138-86!!!) and then I met the doctor. Dr. S is amazing and comforting. I broke down in tears when she asked me about my sisters and their lady parts histories--what a ridiculous time to bawl (mascara running down my face! I wore mascara in the hopes I would will myself not to cry), but she was so kind and patient with my outburst. DH was surprisingly awesome, too. We were in the consult room for about 30 minutes and then she diagnosed me with severe menorrhagia and endo based on my history and all tests completed thus far.

I was shocked that she was able to do this. I honestly expected some BS like wanting to do (or redo) the bloodwork and tests in their lab, etc., you know, just to get more money. But it wasn't like that at all!

Next stage was that I got a internal ultrasound (dildo-cam) which confirmed uterine abnormalities (polyps, possible endo). The good news is that my ovary looked like it had ovulated.

Dr. S wants to do a lap and hysteroscopy asap, so I am tentatively scheduled for December 22 (Merry Christmas, right?) This date works out well because I am off from school at that time so I'll be able to recover without having to worry about missing days.

Dr. S thinks cleaning out the 'ol Ute and doing an ovary stimulation might be the direction we will go.

I know there is more to write about, and I plan to do some careful meditation on the experience soon. I had heard from some of you ladies about the waiting room, the lack of eye contact, the sadness, the angry husband paying the bill, bitching about how he's broke, mortgaged the house. I don't know if it is because I am a writer or what, but I tend to become absorbed in the "other" around me and drink it all up. I plan to write about these things very soon, and will share them on my blog.

BP 120/70 on the way out.

And, it only cost me my $40 copay because my diagnosis was a medical condition, not IF.

Today, the answers, the knowing and the still was a good day.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

twas the night before consult, and all through the house

Just wanted to post a little note before I go in tomorrow for the first RE consult. DH and I are drinking a glass of wine (only one!) and hoping to chill this evening. I am a bit freaked/scared about tomorrow for several reasons. One is that this is such a small city, and I wonder who I will run in to at the fertility clinic. Another is that I have this appointment right before I have to teach, so I fear the waterworks will be turned on full blast and I will end up looking like a sad weepy woman to all my students. bleh! Mostly I am scared of the unknown. What will the RE tell us? My fear about the last one is pretty much one of my ticks/faults. I don't do well with the not-knowing--presents, surprises, jumping off the deep end in a pool. I am scared, too, that the truth might hurt more than I can imagine. I am scared that the RE will say there is little to no chance of conception. Tonight-- it is just the unknown that frightens me.