Thursday, September 24, 2009

ramblings of the sardonic sort

I had one of those know...well

One of my students emailed me to tell me that she missed class for "female" reasons, then proceeded to tell me she got an abortion.

I didn't want to hear that. And it's not because I want to discuss the abortion debate (not on my blog, please)...I just didn't want to hear about another poor, working class college student getting knocked up. Just. Like. That.

Several years ago, my neighbor got knocked up while she was a prostitute (I live in a very unique place). My neighbor was 17 at the time. She had the baby. I often went to her house to help her diaper, showed her how to rock the baby, how to wash the clothes in the sink with Ivory, why talking and singing to the baby is so important. How reading baby books now will not only help her child but also herself to learn to read.

She kept it for about 3 months, then gave it up for adoption. She couldn't take care of it, she said.

When I told a good good friend of mine the story recently, my friend asked why I didn't ask my neighbor for the baby.

Seriously? It's not a purse. I can't just ask for one, can I? If that's the case, I'll tell my students they'll get extra credit for getting knocked up, carrying to full term, then signing their parental rights over to me.

Sheesh. I mean, come on.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Hello fall

I'm beginning another cycle in the TTC race. Who am I racing? No one, I suppose, so bad metaphor. But in a sense, I am in a race for time. I'll be turning 35 this January (yikes!) and although I am happy to be older and seasoned, I freak out a bit about the age of my reproductive self.

Nevertheless, I am excited about the new season. I love fall, especially here in the deep south, where fall means less humidity, 75-80 degree days, 65 degree nights, music festivals, Halloween, and just more energy. I do miss the Midwest fall, though, with the changing of colors, apple cider, crispy winds, and pumpkin patches.

I expect to be at the OB this cycle for the annual and the next steps in my ttc. I was hoping for a free baby (hahaha, you know what I mean), but I think that may not be the case for us. As the season changes, so must our plans.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

cost of IF continued

DH SA and md visit: $337

Will add to running total:$1360 and some change.

Friday, September 18, 2009

cycling on the moon

This isn't going to be a post about Lan.ce Arm.strong. I'm talking about the female cycle. What I have noticed this past year is that my body is now cycling with the moon. Over a year ago, I use to get AF on the full moon. Now I am flowing with the new moon, which I understand to be the "natural cycle." I've read up on this since I've been TTC. I am someone who has a regular cycle (28-31 days) but never really paid much attention to the moon and the cycle until I started charting.

A piece of advice that I was given was to sleep with the shade open during the full moon so that my body gets the appropriate light, etc., to sync up. I've been doing that, and I can't say for sure if that has helped, but I do seem to O closer to the full moon, and I get AF the day before, on, or the day or two after the new moon.

I even went so far as to get my na.tal chart written, and although it sits in my inbox, I have yet to fully understand what it says. It's quite amazing how much time and energy are spent devoted to the worries and wonders of fertility for us IF-ers.

Today's poem of the day: Jim Simmerman's "Moon Go Away, I Don't Love You No More."

Who knows why, really.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

cost of infertility

I thought I would post the actual cost of infertility as it pertains to those unfortunate ones whose insurance (and state laws) suck.


blood tests (progesterone and tsh because my OB coded these for infertility)= $182.25

I plan to keep a running total of my TTC tab, only because I think it is relevant. Yes, I understand that $1000.00 is a drop in the bucket, and I know that raising a child is expensive, blah blah blah.

I just don't understand why some states have to suck so bad. Infertility is not a treatable disease in my state. Nice, eh?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Dreaming on Tuesday Morn'

Had this lovely and colorful dream before the alarm went off this morning. I was celebrating the 2010 new year with 3 friends (none who I recognize) and after I drank champagne, three of the four of us took a HPT. Two were positive, one was negative. Mine was one of the positive ones, so I took another test and that too came up positive. I searched the party for my DH, and when I found him (it was more like a fuzzy image of some dude) I told him the news. There was much joy in this dream, and although the whole thing was hazy, there was high energy and happiness in each room I entered.

I hit my snooze button three times, hoping to return to this place

Monday, September 14, 2009

That time of the month

I'm referring to CD 24, or about a week before I expect AF. This time of the month, I search fert.ilit.y fr.iend "find charts like mine" to see if all of my work resembles someone else's with a "+" sign. This time of the month, I start making deals with a higher power. Around this time, I think about how utterly schocked I will be once I find out, I think about how I will tell DH, how I will tell family and friends. Once I've got the Polly.anna out of me, I think the dreaded "what if it'll never happen" again this month, then dream of the ideal place/city/country I could be living while I live out this life, childless.

And although I declared that we were TAB this month, the brain doesn't calculate it and continues to buzz and churn.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Heart to heart?

So I was driving home tonight from a night class that I teach, listening to some tunes on the radio, when I heard the song, "All I Want to Do is Make Love to You" by Heart. You know this song? With lyrics like this, who can forget:

ooh we made love like strangers
all night long
we made love.

Alright, I get it. But as the song played on, I realized that the lyrics are not only about infidelity, but about about male infertility. Really? I don't know. There's that part about him seeing his own eyes, then she tells him he gave her the one little thing that her man couldn't (a baby?)


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

fuzzy day

Confession #1: Bless me blog, for today, I am feeling negative. I woke up this morning, well, pissed off, and I can't blame it on anything cycle related (I'm only on CD 18!), weather related (it's always sunny in this freakin town!), or career/relationship related. I'm just a bit sour today.

I hope you understand. Nobody else does.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

My first post

So, I've been reading ttc blogs for some time now, and I've decided to start posting my own. Hello to all of you ladies who have made me laugh, cry, and sigh these past months. My story is much like yours: I've been TTC for 2 years now, and like many of you, have had my share of disappointments. I am hoping to gain some perspective on this blog as I try to figure out who I am, who I want to be, who I am supposed to be, and what the heck life is throwing at me now.

Right now I am on CD 12. My HSG last cycle caused us to TAB, and this month I've not temped, but all signs look good: lots of good CM, lots of BD. I have avoided my OB since the HSG. My next appointment is October for my annual, so I will have a better idea about the next steps. Honestly, I've enjoyed this mini break.

I'm the last of the girls in my group of friends to not be tugging around a little one. Most of them believe that I am OK with being childless; only a couple close friends know, or at least kinda know, what I am going through. I am not sure why I have been so discrete. No, that's a lie; I am discrete because I have always been able to achieve whatever it is I've put my mind to, and up to this point, my inablity to conceive feels like I am a failure, a word that does not work for me at all. I know, I am working on it. "Infertile" is a dirty word, but it is what I am right now (or at least that's what my OB is coding my bloodtests as).