Sunday, September 28, 2014

Surprising Side Effect of Meds

Hello sex drive. Seriously, I don't know what else to attribute my current state of mind, like, all the time. It must be the meds, because I am just as stressed, overworked, and tired as I have even been.

Just thought I'd share some happy news.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Losing my hair

Literally, I am losing my hair in chunks. Is this a side effect from the meds? I don't recall this happening when I was stimming during my fresh IVF cycle. Anyone experience this before?


Monday, September 22, 2014

When there are more reasons not to do this

I remember struggling with the pros and cons of assisted reproduction back in 2009. I had just had my big surgery, the lap and hysteroscopy, and was getting set to begin IUI with injectables. But we halted. Well, I halted it all (ahem, back then it was mostly all me making the decisions. DH was still in the clouds about all this). For me, there were more reasons not to begin with the RE than there were to keep trying naturally. I believed I wanted to go the eastern medicine route, and I did. I fully accepted the weekly, sometimes twice weekly acupuncture, the herbs, the dietary changes (hello, I ate black mushrooms, eel, and other weird foods that one would really not want to consume). I made the charts and weighed the options, and I was too scared, in denial probably, to move with western medicine and getting preggo.

However, as you know, I broke. Chinese medicine was not getting me preggo, so after 6 solid months, we went back to the RE and started. Even then, I charted the pros and cons, and from IUI to IVF, the charts were always there.

Now that I am here, almost 4 years later, staring at the consents I just signed, I do not have a pen to paper chart of the pros and cons. No, that would be too scary because I see the chart in my head; I don't want to see it on paper. I can tell you that there seems to be more reasons not to proceed with the FET, and here I am, back to what feels like 2009, thinking we should just try naturally again.

I don't know what it is really that scares me so much about assisted reproduction.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

IComLeavWe Post

Hey all! Thanks for stopping by for IComLeavWe. You can read my history on the right side of my blog, but to sum it up, I am parenting two boys, age 3 (conceived through IVF) and 1 (surprise BFP), and am currently in the beginning of my first FET cycle. I started Estrace yesterday and Vivelle Friday. I have been injecting Lupron for the past 10 days. So far so good. No big side effects, except for my coffee withdrawals! ha! I chose to stop coffee when I started Lupron. I know; not necessary, but I want to make sure this is all done as "correctly" as possible, and that means no caffeine or alcohol while I'm prepping for the transfer.

I signed consent forms at the RE and have decided to transfer two blasts. This may change as the days near, but hubs and I have talked it through, and we are on board with whatever possibilities may arise from the transfer.

I have a lot of weird feelings about the FET. I guess I am simply building my family now, but am I still infertile? If I conceived "naturally," does that mean I am cured? I also feel a bit like I am being greedy. Weird, right? I do think it has a lot to do with feeling guilty about having IVF success, then a bonus baby, and here I am again. All those buried emotions that come with infertility come bubbling up, and I sometimes feel overwhelmed.

But on a higher note, if you are here for the first time, welcome! I look forward to reconnecting with people on my blog!

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Champagne Tonight

I popped open a split of Moet just a few minutes ago to celebrate FET eve. I begin Lupron tomorrow morning: 20 units a day. I won't lie. I am a little scared of what may happen (side effects). Most I have read sound pretty awful, so I am not sure how functioning daily is going to work. Maybe side effects will somehow not be a big deal (ha!). Anyway, tonight is my last night of having drinks for a long while (hopefully, right?).

We have decided to keep the FET a secret (like the IVF) for a number of reasons, one being that I just don't want to have any possible heartbreak shared with our world. I imagine people saying stupid crappy shit like "Well you have two boys already" and any other sort of nicety that may come up. We are doing this quietly and will celebrate any happiness after 1st trimester.

But this is totally going to work.

Fingers crossed, champagne flute raised. Cheers, y'all!

Saturday, September 6, 2014

FET in motion

My hysteroscopy was uneventful. The RE found a few polyps near the cervix and an overall thick lining. This was on August 26, so I have been on pelvic restrictions (BOO!). I am still on BC pills and begin lupron injections on September 12. I see the RE for an ultrasound and blood work on September 19 (I assume it is the 3 day workup since I stop BC pill on the 16th). Other than this, I am in the dark as to what the schedule for transfer will be. I am assuming mid October, but we'll see.

The question that has been weighing me down in how many to transfer. This is our last shot. Financially, doling out $4000 is not something we can do again anytime soon, and I do not want to keep waiting to get preggo. It's now (nowish) or we are done; I am done trying, hoping, thinking, planning. I want this stage of my fertility to be happening or to be done. I'll be 40 in January, so hopefully 40 is the last age I'll be pregnant.

I feel so fortunate that IVF #1 worked and gave us A in September 2011. Then a surprise BFP gave us O in May 2013. I have more than hit the jackpot. I am the luckiest person alive, really. But we have 5 top quality frosties from the IVF #1 and I feel like I need to give it a shot. I am sure that the RE is going to insist on 2 being put back, but twins, triplets (one splitting)...scares me. I don't want this FET and its success to take away from the two kids I already have. I just can't even imagine how hard it will be to have multiples while parenting a one and three year old (and holding a full time job). DH thinks we should put two back, but when I said "Oh, you are ready to have twins?" He made the worst noise, almost in disgust. I told him "If you don't want twins, we shouldn't put two back."

And then I think, whatever happens, we'll deal. We will do it. We will survive, because honestly, these past few years, for me, is what parenting means. It's about so much but one is just surviving the day, the hour, getting to nap time, getting to 8:00 o'clock (bedtime).

And then I think we could put one, two, or even three back and NONE implant. And frankly, that scares me the most.