Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Sex Game (um, not what you think)

I hesitate to write this post for fear I will offend people. That is not my intention. However, I want to discuss people's obsession with the sex of my unborn baby. It might just be the infertile scars, but I don't care if this baby is a boy or a girl. I really don't. I just want it to be born alive. It's that simple.

So why is it that everyone, loved ones, co-workers, random people have to say shit like:

Person: Do you know what you are having?
Me: A baby.

Person: Are you hoping for a girl? That way you can have one of each.
Me: No, it really doesn't matter. I just want the baby to be alive.
Me, what I am thinking: One of each? You mean like a red sweater and a blue sweater? You know, one of each so I always have something to coordinate with my clothing?

Person: Don't you want another boy? Then they will have a playmate.
Me: No, it really doesn't matter. I just want the baby to be alive.
Me, what I am thinking: So, only brothers can be playmates? You mean a brother and a sister can't play together? Huh?

Person: Having another boy would make things so much easier for you.
Me: How?
Person: You already have all the boy stuff
Me: (OK, I can see this kinda, but....) True, but the birth dates are in different seasons. I'll need different clothing sizes for each season.

Person: I bet you want a girl so you can dress her up.
Me: (puzzled look on my face) Dress her up like what?
Person: You know, girly clothes.
Me: Oh, you mean like I did when I was a kid to my dollies?
Person: Yeah! (clearly overlooking or missing the sarcasm in my previous comment)
Me, what I am thinking: So my children are like toy babies that I play with and dress up? Is this what is is to raise a person? A person??

Person: I bet A really wants a brother.
Me: (silence)
Me, what I am thinking: A is one year old. He wants my attention at all times, he wants turkey and milk and any orange vegetable. He wants his binky when he is mad. He does not care about this pregnancy.

In no way am I saying that any of these utterances are wrong by any means. Yes, I am sure that people have preferences, but I simply cannot fathom why it matters. I have a very close relationship with my mother and father. Those relationships are very different, and I suppose that the relationships I create with my child(ren) will also be different. However, to want or desire one or the other is just not in my sight. Not right now. Maybe I will change. I do not know.

I do like to play "guess the sex" with pregnant friends and family and play on all those crazy gender predictors, but it doesn't make one iota of a difference in the end.

Or does it?


S said...

These comments highlight the difference between "fertiles" and "infertiles." See, the folks asking you these questions have probably never gone through what you have, so your having a healthy, living baby at the end of your pregnancy is a foregone conclusion for them. Which leaves them free to speculate about other minor details like the baby's gender.

Before infertility, I always wanted a daughter. Badly. I have two sons, and I couldn't be happier. I am just so grateful to finally be a mother!

Infertility certainly gives one perspective.

(Hope you're doing well, annoying comments aside.)

S said...

Oops, that previous comment was me. . . forgot to sign out of my other (old) blogger profile.

Kari said...

I'll say it...people are dumb. Dumb and insensitive. It still makes my blood boil to think about what people said when they found out we were having another boy. Every.single.time they would immediately say we needed to try again so we could get "our girl". Seriously? Because having a second son isn't worth it? My DH is son #2 and I'm damn glad he was a he. And like you I just wanted a healthy living baby. Period. Boy or girl. But after finding out I was having a boy I was far from disappointed. And the last thing I wanted to hear was people telling me we needed to have a third before my second was even born. AHHH I feel my blood pressure rising now. Sorry you're getting stupid comments from people. Whatever you have I wish you a happy healthy pregnancy and a happy healthy baby!!

Jill said...

Heh, your scenarios made me laugh. I totally get what you are saying. Long before kids were really on my mind I always pictured having a girl and then a boy. I don't know why. So far I am half right. But the next one? Really don't care either way. There would be "cool" things about each one but the only cool thing that is important would just be a living baby, like you say. Would definitely NOT have a third just to try for a boy if #2 is a girl!

Here's to a living baby for you!

jill's infertility document said...

"Dress her up like what?" Oh, this made me laugh. I think people just try to connect with pregnant women by asking these kinds of questions. But I do think there is a big difference between fertile pregnancies and infertile pregnancies. The questions I want to ask pregnant women are totally inappropriate, like "You're 16 weeks and you haven't had an ultrasound yet? What's that like?"

No difference in the end for me. A friend asked if I had a feeling about whether I am having a boy or a girl yet and I replied, "I'm not even sure yet if I am really having a baby at this point."

Kitty said...

Hehe. I love your responses. I am with you, what difference does it make if it's a boy or a girl really? Even if I weren't infertile and could have as many babies as I wanted whenever I wanted, I still wouldn't keep trying and trying to make sure I got my boy or girl or whatever gender child I was "missing." I don't get that mentality at all. And I really hate it when someone has, say, three boys in a row and decides to stop having kids and someone else expresses sympathy that they never had a girl. So ridiculous!