Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Back from beta 7dp5dt or 7dp6dt (not sure exactly)*****updated****

I just returned from my beta blood draw. It won't be back for a few more hours. I tested yesterday afternoon and it was stark white (internet cheapies), so I am pretty confident this cycle is also a bust. I spent yesterday pretty much a blubbering mess and was super pissy at DH for being somewhat insensitive. Ugh.

I will be getting the dreaded phone call sometime in the next few hours. I instructed the nurse to just leave it on my voice mail, as I will be unavailable from 10-12 for commencement ceremonies.

Gah! I felt (still feel) an enormous amount of sadness to be on the BFN end of now two IVF FET cycles, but even more sadness for those women who do multiple IVFs and FETs without ever seeing a BFP. I didn't really know what this type of sadness is/was until recently, and wow, it hurts.

And as everyone is so (annoyingly at times) insistent on telling me is that I have my two boys, (yes, I know this), it doesn't make the losses, the BFNs, any better. I wanted to grow my family, and I fucking cannot.
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Negative.

10 comments:

Francie said...

So so sorry!! I know it hurts, hang in there.

S said...

I'm sorry.

Cristy said...

You and I have very different histories. I went through three failed rounds of IVF (2 ended in early miscarriage and one flat out failed) prior to finally getting our take-home babies. Yet just because you have two beautiful boys at home, it doesn't mean that your pain is any less. You wanted each of those potential babies. And though you get to hold your sons at night, it doesn't mean you are grieving this loss any less.

Unfortunately, there's a quantification people do regarding pain. Which sadly means that finding support while you grieve will likely be more difficult (this isn't right, but it's a sad reality). So, do what you need to do to grieve. Don't allow others to make you feel guilty for the tears or pain, simply because you are already a mother. And please use this space to process. I promise you that there will be support and understanding.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Stephanie said...

I'm so so sorry. :( I have the 2 boys from IUIs and we still want more. From Sept 2013-Aug 2014 we had 1 failed IUI, 2 losses from IUIs and 1 weird natural blighted ovum loss. So I get it. 100%. The pain of loss and the sadness of NOT being able to grow your family hurts just as much now as it did with my first loss with no babies at home. Hugs friend, hugs.

Gurlee said...

Oh no, I was really, really hoping for you. I am so sorry. Thinking of you and sending you hugs.

Stacie said...

I'm so very sorry. Many hugs.

Heather said...

:-((( I'm so sorry. Sending some hugs and thoughts your way.

mutemockingbird said...

So sorry! The the loss of hope for a new baby hurts just as much every time, but it is hard for people to see that from the outside. Hugs.

My Vegas said...

Where have you been? I miss your posts ! Update soon!!

My (In)fertile Confessions said...

My Vegas! I'm so sorry for your losses! It is never easy to see the BFN, kids or no kids. I am right there with ya! I'm about to start my FET and I'm nervous! Hang in there! xo Sara