Saturday, January 15, 2011

After the fog comes lots of crying

So here's how it all went down. I went back to give blood and then I got to the US room and asked if DH could come. Of course, they all say. So I get naked from the waist down and he comes into the room. I introduce him to dildocam, and his eyes get very big. He makes some inappropriate joke and we laugh.

The US tech comes in and says, "Let's see those heartbeats." Immediately we see both sacs and I can see one flicker in each. DH squeezes my hand and I say, "Look! there they are!" The US tech confirms this and I look away from the screen at my lovely husband. We catch each other's eyes and smile and that moment felt frozen and peaceful until the US tech then says,

"And there's the third."

My head WHIPS around at the screen and I said "What?" I am shaking right now as I recollect this story. I began shaking, shivering uncontrollably and tears streamed out of my eyes. I looked at DH then looked right back at the screen. I looked at the tech and I am sure she sensed our fear, because fear was exactly what we were feeling. She immediately began saying that it was early and this doesn't mean much yet. Y'all, three is a blessing and a surprise, but it is terrifying, especially when two was something we were just getting out hearts around. Please don't judge my reaction just yet.

The rest of the US was a complete blur. I remember hearing that all three heartbeats were between 109-115, which is good and strong for right now. The identical twins are very far away from each other but we didn't see a membrane that separates them yet. I was told this membrane is important so that there are less complications with their gestation.

Time passed and I was dressed and back in the waiting room. I was scheduled to see the doctor but I just wanted to get the hell out of there and cry and deal with this privately. I waited for 10 minutes then went to the receptionist and asked if I should just come back later. They immediately whisked us back to the office where I was weighed and my blood pressure was taken. Then we met with Dr. S who came in and I think followed our lead. I was tearing up and I asked her "How did this happen? What were the chances?" She said something like 1-4% of the embryo splitting.

I immediately then asked "Does this mean they will be born too early and very sick?" and then I started bawling. I could give a shit about my body and what I am about to go through. I just can't imagine how terrible I must be to have done this IVF shit only to now be giving birth to sick babies? How terrible am I? What selfish person does? This was all that I was thinking from the waiting room to the doctor's consult. She assured us that triplet and twin pregnancies are actually quite similar in terms of success and healthy babies. She mentioned if we wanted to do reduction, we'd have to travel out of state and she has the name of someone we can consult with.

This is NOT an option for us.

We left and paid and got in the car and drove where I cried an freaked out on DH, even telling him it was his fault since he wanted to transfer 2 and I said 1. I can't begin to tell you the scenarios I dreamed up in my head about how gloomy this result was for us. I even said I regretted ever doing IVF.

I said all this because I was scared. Can my body do this to 32-33 weeks to ensure healthy babies?

Then we went to an appliance store and bought a fridge. ha! We needed a new fridge and there's nothing that retail therapy can't cure.

I got home and went straight to bed and napped. When I woke, I told DH that we can do this. We can totally do this. I can do this. My body can do this.

Then I went back to bed and rested some more. And cried a bit, too.

25 comments:

elephantscanremember said...

(hugs) I would never judge you for your reaction. It would be too hard NOT to be surprised/confused by it! I hope and pray your pregnancy goes on without any complications and you deliver three healthy babies at the appropriate time.

the infertile breeder said...

Oh my goodness! It makes total sense that you would be panicked, petrified, and mad. But, yes you can do it. Even with an early delivery, pregnancy takes a really long time.. so you can go through your emotions, adjust, then start planning. Be good to your hubby.. you'll need him big time! Hugs and positive thoughts coming your way.

My Infertile Confessions said...

Wow... scary and exciting all at once! You CAN do this! It is a blessing and those babies have a purpose... I'll be praying for you!

Tanya said...

CJ,I don't have any idea of how you must be feeling because I have never been through this, but I will be praying diligently for you and your family to grow healthy and safe. I don't know what your religious background is and I'm not trying to put mine on yours, I just want to let you know I'll be praying.

You and your DH deserve happiness and so do all your children! I'm here if you ever want to vent or talk. :)

Ashley said...

I don't judge you at all, I'm sure you are terrified. It's hard with multiples because it's so wonderful to suddenly be blessed with children but it's so stressful to finally get pregnant and have it be so hard. Being monitored constantly and always worrying about how it will turn it out is tough on a person, and that's okay, even though you are grateful and of course love your munchkins dearly. Feeling scared doesn't mean that you aren't grateful or in love and no one should judge you for that and anyone who does just doesn't know what it's like. :)

You definitely can do it! I have one friend on a board and one in real life friend who had triplets. Both had the munchkins close to 30 weeks and both spent NICU time and it was hard for the first year (like with ANY mulitples or even singletons) but now they are all past a year and are perfectly healthy in EVERY way!! It's definitely doable.

((HUGS))

Fairytale Ending said...

Wow! Everything you felt, experienced and said seem totally normal to me given the shock you received. That's a lot to take in. But, you have three little miracles growing inside you. And you're right, you can do this! There might be a few extra bumps in the road along the way, but you can definitely do this...and it will all be worth it!

My Vegas said...

OMG. Hugs to you all and thanks for your kind words. I know we all have never met IRL, but you all mean so much to me!

tishi said...

No judgement here at all, that would have been a lot to wrap your head (and hearts) around in such a short period of time. You can do this, your body can do this! Rest, eat, and love those babies!!!

Allison said...

CJ, sweetheart! Of COURSE fear was the natural reaction, followed by panic and whole bunch of "WTF just happened?!?!"

But I have no doubt that you can do this. That your body will provide a safe home for those babies and they will thrive until it's time for them to join the world, and then they'll be SO cared for and watched after.

Oh my friend, I'm crying for you - happy tears. ((((Hugs)))))

Kitty said...

((HUGS)) Hang in there, CJ. It's going well so far and that's wonderful! It's all you can go by right now, there's no use worrying about all the what ifs. You CAN do this!

Circus Princess said...

You CAN do this! Take good care of yourselves and give the news time to really sink in - my heart goes out to you, I understand how scary this must be - you'll be just fine mama! Lots o love!

Kari said...

Absolutely no one can judge you for your reaction. It's completely normal in the scenario you are experiencing. There was a 1-4% chance of what happened, happening...that's a miracle if you ask me. Most of the time miracles are scary and overwhelming(but TOTALLY AWESOME AT THE SAME TIME!!!!) so yeah take all the time you need to be scared and overwhelmed but during that time absolutely be good to yourself and DH!! You can do this!! We're all here not judging you to listen and be here for ya when you need it!! Rest up Mama!!

Lea said...

I think your reaction is totally, totally normal. Especially for someone hopped up on pregnancy hormones! Fear and craziness is TOTALLY to be expected. I can only say, deep breaths and one day at a time. Keep repeating that to yourself.

Kim said...

I would have freaked out too, I think its natural, so dont feel bad and dont judge yourself. And yes you can do this!!! hugs xoxoxoxox

runnyyolk said...

OF course you can do this! Such wonderful news!

Jill said...

Do not feel bad! Who wouldn't freak out, it is a lot to digest! I am sure you will have a lot of challenges but you CAN do it! It is actually really awesome that you were so honest about your feelings.

Gurlee said...

Holy crap! No judgement on your reaction! I think most would freak out. It is early. Take deep breaths and believe. I will be doing whatever it is non religious people do instead of praying. Healthy strong thoughts coming your way!!!

AL said...

((hugs)) No judgement at all about your reaction, this is definitely a shock and will take time get used to. Believe that your body can do this. Sending you t+p!

nobabyruth said...

OMG!! Wow. There is no way that anyone with any inkling of an idea about this kinda stuff would ever judge your reaction. No one (sane) goes into this thinking, "I'll just get triplets - that's the easy way out." It's only natural that you would feel fear and worry! I certainly would. But you CAN do it. You WILL get through this. And those three babies will be wonderful!! HUGS

Anonymous said...

YOU CAN DO THIS! I was in your situation almost 1 year ago exactly! And today I have 3 very healthy and happy babies. My trips were born at 34wks via scheduled C-section on 9/02/10. I know everything you are feeling, and I wish I could tell you to stop worrying, but I know that is simply impossible. It's hard to stop your brain from imagining all the different scenarios, but just believe that you will have healthy babies at the end of all this. I did have a cerclage at 22wks and morning/all day sickness for about 5 months, but I was never even technically on bedrest, although I did take it easy after the cerclage. My sons weighed 3lbs 10oz and 3lbs 15oz and were in the NICU for 2wks to gain weight, and my all star little girl weighed 4lbs 6oz and was only in the NICU for 8 days! It is a busy life, but not impossible. Those 1st few months are tough, but my babies started sleeping through the night at 3 months and that has been WONDERFUL! When God gives you 3, HE makes sure they are good babies :-) Family and friends are important, get used to accepting help. That was hard for me at first, but you have to do it. Sorry for the rambling, you are the very 1st blog I have ever commented on, but I really want you to know from another triplet mom that you will be OK and once they are here you will not be able to imagine your life without them!

Roccie said...

Oh Oh Oh!

Oh my! What wonderful and scary news! I see the scary side, I cannot deny it. I would be a liar to pretend it is not there.

But

I know a gal who had the exact same thing happen and her boys (all three!) are fabulous and healthy and magnificent. I know it seems far removed from you right now, but I hope it gives you a wee bit of comfort.

erika said...

Yayyyyy!!! for strong little heartbeats ♥
I certainly understand the first shock. It is scary to get such a surprise at first.
I am glad you feel better about it and feel stronger! You will rock this, Girl!

Stephanie said...

CJ - what a shocking surprise! I would totally be caught off guard too, but good for you realizing you CAN do this! A friend of mine from high school had the same thing happen - she blogs sometimes - http://table4five09.blogspot.com/ - about her 3 miracles. I will tell you before heading over, her's little ones did come early and stayed in the NICU, but they are all healthy and amazing today. They're about to turn 2 and they're just awesome miracles!!! Thinking of you!!!!

Rosie said...

Wow! And an "Oh My!" for you, too!! That's a doozy. I totally get the fear. I hope that we both will be feeling less of that and more happiness and excitement soon. Blessings and love and many many hugs!!

Jacksmom said...

No one can judge you. I am a NICU nurse, and I can tell you that with multiples the babies are usually smaller and no doubt it will be a roller coaster with the post partum hormonal shifts to begin with, and then 3 babies in a NICU. One baby in a NICU is a roller coaster ride. You will hear stories good and bad about multiples regardless of the gestation they make it to, and I saw your most recent post where you are taking a break from the net, and I think that's a great thing because there is way too much for you to worry about. You just need to concentrate on keeping yourself healthy and as de-stressed as possible now because it's best for all of you. Worry about the other things that MAY happen when they come up. There is way too much info out there. I will pray for you and your family!