After the fog comes lots of crying

So here's how it all went down. I went back to give blood and then I got to the US room and asked if DH could come. Of course, they all say. So I get naked from the waist down and he comes into the room. I introduce him to dildocam, and his eyes get very big. He makes some inappropriate joke and we laugh.

The US tech comes in and says, "Let's see those heartbeats." Immediately we see both sacs and I can see one flicker in each. DH squeezes my hand and I say, "Look! there they are!" The US tech confirms this and I look away from the screen at my lovely husband. We catch each other's eyes and smile and that moment felt frozen and peaceful until the US tech then says,

"And there's the third."

My head WHIPS around at the screen and I said "What?" I am shaking right now as I recollect this story. I began shaking, shivering uncontrollably and tears streamed out of my eyes. I looked at DH then looked right back at the screen. I looked at the tech and I am sure she sensed our fear, because fear was exactly what we were feeling. She immediately began saying that it was early and this doesn't mean much yet. Y'all, three is a blessing and a surprise, but it is terrifying, especially when two was something we were just getting out hearts around. Please don't judge my reaction just yet.

The rest of the US was a complete blur. I remember hearing that all three heartbeats were between 109-115, which is good and strong for right now. The identical twins are very far away from each other but we didn't see a membrane that separates them yet. I was told this membrane is important so that there are less complications with their gestation.

Time passed and I was dressed and back in the waiting room. I was scheduled to see the doctor but I just wanted to get the hell out of there and cry and deal with this privately. I waited for 10 minutes then went to the receptionist and asked if I should just come back later. They immediately whisked us back to the office where I was weighed and my blood pressure was taken. Then we met with Dr. S who came in and I think followed our lead. I was tearing up and I asked her "How did this happen? What were the chances?" She said something like 1-4% of the embryo splitting.

I immediately then asked "Does this mean they will be born too early and very sick?" and then I started bawling. I could give a shit about my body and what I am about to go through. I just can't imagine how terrible I must be to have done this IVF shit only to now be giving birth to sick babies? How terrible am I? What selfish person does? This was all that I was thinking from the waiting room to the doctor's consult. She assured us that triplet and twin pregnancies are actually quite similar in terms of success and healthy babies. She mentioned if we wanted to do reduction, we'd have to travel out of state and she has the name of someone we can consult with.

This is NOT an option for us.

We left and paid and got in the car and drove where I cried an freaked out on DH, even telling him it was his fault since he wanted to transfer 2 and I said 1. I can't begin to tell you the scenarios I dreamed up in my head about how gloomy this result was for us. I even said I regretted ever doing IVF.

I said all this because I was scared. Can my body do this to 32-33 weeks to ensure healthy babies?

Then we went to an appliance store and bought a fridge. ha! We needed a new fridge and there's nothing that retail therapy can't cure.

I got home and went straight to bed and napped. When I woke, I told DH that we can do this. We can totally do this. I can do this. My body can do this.

Then I went back to bed and rested some more. And cried a bit, too.