The Sex Game (um, not what you think)

I hesitate to write this post for fear I will offend people. That is not my intention. However, I want to discuss people's obsession with the sex of my unborn baby. It might just be the infertile scars, but I don't care if this baby is a boy or a girl. I really don't. I just want it to be born alive. It's that simple.

So why is it that everyone, loved ones, co-workers, random people have to say shit like:

Person: Do you know what you are having?
Me: A baby.

Person: Are you hoping for a girl? That way you can have one of each.
Me: No, it really doesn't matter. I just want the baby to be alive.
Me, what I am thinking: One of each? You mean like a red sweater and a blue sweater? You know, one of each so I always have something to coordinate with my clothing?

Person: Don't you want another boy? Then they will have a playmate.
Me: No, it really doesn't matter. I just want the baby to be alive.
Me, what I am thinking: So, only brothers can be playmates? You mean a brother and a sister can't play together? Huh?

Person: Having another boy would make things so much easier for you.
Me: How?
Person: You already have all the boy stuff
Me: (OK, I can see this kinda, but....) True, but the birth dates are in different seasons. I'll need different clothing sizes for each season.

Person: I bet you want a girl so you can dress her up.
Me: (puzzled look on my face) Dress her up like what?
Person: You know, girly clothes.
Me: Oh, you mean like I did when I was a kid to my dollies?
Person: Yeah! (clearly overlooking or missing the sarcasm in my previous comment)
Me, what I am thinking: So my children are like toy babies that I play with and dress up? Is this what is is to raise a person? A person??

Person: I bet A really wants a brother.
Me: (silence)
Me, what I am thinking: A is one year old. He wants my attention at all times, he wants turkey and milk and any orange vegetable. He wants his binky when he is mad. He does not care about this pregnancy.

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In no way am I saying that any of these utterances are wrong by any means. Yes, I am sure that people have preferences, but I simply cannot fathom why it matters. I have a very close relationship with my mother and father. Those relationships are very different, and I suppose that the relationships I create with my child(ren) will also be different. However, to want or desire one or the other is just not in my sight. Not right now. Maybe I will change. I do not know.

I do like to play "guess the sex" with pregnant friends and family and play on all those crazy gender predictors, but it doesn't make one iota of a difference in the end.

Or does it?

hand, foot, mouth (and buttocks and legs and arms and eyelids and ears!!)

Oh golly HFM is awful! A was exposed to it last Tuesday at daycare. I received a call Wednesday afternoon from daycare saying that 3 came down with it. So we waited and waited. His classroom was quarantined. Saturday night, fever and no sleep and Sunday arrived with sores and blisters. He spent Sunday in pain. Even with tylenol and advil, he couldn't sit and although he wanted to be held, it hurt him too much. Sunday was bad.

Today was much better. The sores are still there and even more red than yesterday. I took him to the doctor to confirm this diagnosis. And now we just manage the pain and sores and let the virus take its course.

I hope none of your little ones contract this awful awful virus (and I am praying that I somehow side step it, too).

On another note, I am 14w today. I had my ob appointment with no ultrasound, but I did get a NT scan last week. Nuchal fold is 1.2 and baby looks good. The only problem I have is that baby's placenta is covering my cervix. I am going back for another U/S  at week 17 or 18 (I can't remember) to check the status. I hope and pray this moves out of the way of the cervix.

Do you have any placenta covering the cervix stories? Please share!

10w3d

My new thing: napping on the floor in my office. It's comfy, but the carpet leaves an imprint in my cheek (I am a side sleeper). Plus, if students knock on my door, I have to hurry and get up and look like I wasn't just napping.

Geez

Anyway, my first OB appointment is Tuesday. I am wondering if I'll get an ultrasound. I hope so. I did, however, get my Baby beat fetal doppler on Monday. I rented one with the last pregnancy, and like the neurotic I am, I rented it again. I love it, really. I heard bebe beating away at 175 BPM. Same as A's at this stage.

I am still feeling nauseous on a regular basis, but not as bad as it was a few weeks ago. I barfed this morning,   but it was less violent than previous days. Yeah!

Question for you toddler mommies: Did your toddler grind his teeth? Gawwwwdd...A has been grinding his newly acquired teeth lately and it is driving me bonkers. Like nails on a chalkboard. I am sure this will pass, but if you experienced it with your little one, when? When did it pass?

Help me down from the ledge...

Ok everyone. I stupidly decided to ask dr. google about zof.ran and pregnancy, and now I am freaking out. I am reading too many scarey stories about birth defects from taking it during pregnancy. I need stories from those of you who took zof.ran. Is your child all right?

It's a wonderful drug, I admit, but have I done something completely terrible by taking it?

help!

7w3d Ultrasound

One. One little baby snuggled inside.

Heartbeat was 150.

Relief. Elated. Happy!!!

Oh, and relief is coming. I am holding a prescription for Zof.ran.

Oh bosom...

It's official. I'm dried up.

Adious 34D.

Welcome back little titties.

Nausea, etc..

How the F do women deal with morning sickness and a crazy toddler?

No, for real. How?

Anyway, so nausea and all must mean that something is still cooking. I am quite surprised that I have lasted almost two weeks and not really have thought much about Thursday's ultrasound. So much of this feels unreal. I mean, the one and only other time I was pregnant was preceded by years of trying, failed treatments, and one exhausting trip on IVF lane. I was expecting/hoping/praying for it. This time around, I am in disbelief that this is actually happening. Other than my head in the toilet and the all day nausea.

Anyway, dealing with tummy troubles with A. I weaned suddenly last weekend, and he is drinking almond milk and rice milk due to his intolerance of milk and soy. Poops are a problem. I'm not sure if he has poopy problems because he is fighting a bug or if it is from the milk. Ugh. He's now on a super bland diet of rice, chicken, bananas, toast, and applesauce. And has bad bad diaper rash, so the frequent diaper changes are met with screaming and tears from him (and me!) Of course I am feeling tons guilty for weaning him and causing his tummy troubles.

So, yeah, ultrasound Thursday. DH took the day off work to come with me. It's at 1:00. I told him this is the heartbeat ultrasound, and to not be surprised if there is more than one little flicker. I'll try to update as soon as I can Thursday. See you then!

Ultrasound update

So, there are two sacs. Yup.

One has a yolk sac and is measuring 5w2d, the other is just a sac, so I go back in two weeks (!!!) for another ultrasound. The RE is confident that we "have an intrauterine pregnancy, possibly pregnancies." I love how doctors can make things sound so sterile.

Yippee for sure, and yikes for sure!

I asked her how science explains this--how 4 years of sex sex sex, iui, drugs, temping, charting, acupuncture equals no pregnancy, and a one time sex attack while I am breastfeeding equals one, maybe two pregnancies?

She had no answer for me. I wish we all had an answer to that question.

Oh, and let's not forget that A turned one yesterday. Happy birthday to my little beetle! I cried like a ninny during the birthday song.

So for now, I was told to stop breastfeeding immediately. Hmmm...that kinda sucks because we were slowly weaning, so I guess we are in for a rough few days. I am bummed to have to stop so suddenly, but we were planning on stopping by Oct. 1st anyway to prepare for FET. What's one week early?

beta two is in...

2553.

That's a tall number, eh?

I am freaking out a bit. Isn't that a bit high? Doubling in 36 hours?

Ultrasound tomorrow. We'll see...

Beta is in...

and the number is 1013. Definitely preggars, and that means that September 2 was the day we did the deed (um, this is a hurricane Is.aac baby, by the way. College was closed for a week. DH's restaurant was closed for a few days. We did it when we were on a hurrication).

So, what does this all mean? I am trying to calculate. Implantation occurs 5 days after conception, so then I am technically 10 days post implantation. huh? How is this infertile supposed to do a beta number search when I am absolutely confused as to how to count this all.

I know--how about not obsessing and just wait until Wednesday's next beta. I also get to talk with the RE then, too.

The waiting room of the RE clinic brought back some haunting memories. The last time I was there, I was clutching a strand of ultrasounds that showed a triplet pregnancy, feeling nauseous, freaking out. Walking back in there was a bit weird for me.

So, yeah, pregnant for now. For reals.

POAS WTF***Updated

POAS=positive

Now, this is an expired pregnancy test, so it can't be accurate, right?

I'm a week late (well, I got my first period since A was born on August 12--it was totally normal and lasted 5 days).

I had sex during the fertile time.

Ha. I have had sex only ONCE since A was born. Yes, that was this past month. Don't ask. Lack of libido, dry vag, sex hurts, although we have tried to about a dozen times this past year.

Now I am just waiting for A to wake up from his nap so I can run to the drugstore and buy every single test they have.

A will be one this Wednesday.

Who else to share this all with than you.

Am I the urban legend? The girl with bunk tubes and a jacked up uterus?
*********************
First response, clearblue easy, drugstore generic, all screaming positive. I guess I call the RE tomorrow? Get monitored? Unbelievable...

Long lost post

Yikes! Has it been over 5 months since my last post? I meant to post before...uh...

So A is 10 1/2 months and is just busy go go go. The baby is becoming less of a baby every day. He's been walking for a while, but in the last few weeks walking has become his primary mode of transportation. He's chatty and pointing at everything, wanting names or to name it himself.  He's eating what he wants (except milk products regularly--still trying to ease those into his diet due to milk/soy protein intolerance) and nursing regularly, although I plan to stop breastfeeding as soon as he turns one (I, on the other hand, just starting eating dairy and soy products again the past few weeks. Hello, cheese plate!). I am ready to stop breastfeeding. Although he's never bitten me (hello 2 bottom teeth), the clawing and craziness that is in a breastfeeding session is getting a bit difficult. Plus the RE needs me to be fully weaned for three months before we do FET. That puts TTC #2 in January/February. Yikes and yeah all at the same time.

He's a social little boy--he loves to be around kids of any age. I enrolled him in my college's daycare on Tuesdays and Thursdays for 5 hours each day, and he absolutely loves being there. He's been going since January. Plus he's a three minute walk from my office, so I visit him often and whenever I want. Daycare has been one of the best decisions for us! I highly recommend it, even if only part time.

Sleeping has been good and sorta good. He now has a bedtime no later than 8pm and will wake around 3 or 4, nurse, and then wake again between 6 and 7. He's an early riser and that's fine by me. Naps are good, and lately they've been long--close to two hour morning naps and a one hour afternoon nap.

He started swim lessons, another thing I highly recommend. He loves the pool, and now loves to be splashed. Getting water on his face is no longer scary!

Things are good. Busy, but good. I love watching him grow up and evolve into who he is going to be. Hope you are all well.

Updating at 5 months

Oh boy. Where does the time go. I have been meaning to update sooner, but we've been in Mardi Gras season, and school is kicking my butt. Nevertheless, here goes.

Baby A is 5 months now, and I would have never believed I'd be here with a happy happy baby 4 months ago. Sheesh. For real. This kid is dynamite. He's sitting, rolling, cooing, gurgling, and overall just insanely happy. I had to reschedule his 5 month doctor appointment, so I don't have exact weight, but tossing him over my shoulder while I stand on the scale puts him at 16 pounds. We had to go shopping yesterday to buy clothes because I had to pack away all the 3 month stuff.

Sleep is hit or miss, but I have learned to just go with the flow. Some nights he sleeps from 6:00pm-4:00am, wakes, eats, and sleeps for a few more hours. Some nights he's up every 2-3 hours. Sometimes he wakes and is scared. Sometimes hungry. Sometimes just to say hello and coo and smile when I come into the room. I am resigned to just follow his cues right now. I mean, soon I'll be the one up at night, worrying, waiting for him to come home from parties and dates, right?

I am still nursing and pumping. He started eating 1 tablespoon of cereal once a day, and he loves it. I know that more solids are coming soon, and I am holding off for as long as possible. I wanted to follow the 6 month rule, and I think we are going to be pretty close to it. (Honestly, I also am not looking forward to dealing with non-breastfed poop. I have enjoyed just being able to toss the diapers in the wash. With food comes the real poop, which means finding a new way to handle this cloth diapering). He does watch us eat, and he even grabs for food, sometimes successfully getting it into his mouth before we can take it from him.

Speaking of grabbing, this kid grabs anything, and I mean it. Satuday I was taking down my shirt, unhooking my bra, and as soon as he saw the nipple he grabbed it and squeeeeeeezed! I yelped like a dog. Seriously hurt, but so funny.

He also loves to be read to, and not the board books. He likes the "older" books. And poetry. I know, sounds a bit cheesy, but I get the joy of reading poems to him and he just listens very intently.

I am thoroughly enjoying this little person and learning about him each and every day. I am not sure what I thought motherhood would be like before. I know I could have not imagined this, and it just gets better every day. It's not all rainbows and unicorns, but damn, today was one of those days, and I'd like to savor it a bit longer.

Post Partum WTF

Cue the bliss...

Cue the happiness...

And, Scene.

I wish it were that easy. I realized a few things these past 4 months since A has been around.

1. DH was not an asshole before we got preggars, so he probably isn't being an asshole now.
2. We were married for five years before A arrived. We were close friends. Adding a baby makes this transition so much harder because it has been just us for so long.
3. I/We have to redefine what our relationship is now and not dwell on how it used to be. This point is mostly for me to simmer.
4. Parenting A is my job. For the most part. Period. I cannot change this. DH steps in but quickly steps away whenever possible. This is the world we live in, his beliefs, and the way it is. I can stew and be pissed all I want, but we all know that people don't change.
5. There is no such thing as 50/50.
6. I might have to relinquish my awesomeness at my job. I might have to give up being available for every meeting, every pow wow, every committee. I might have to be (gasp!) AVERAGE at my career for awhile while A is so young.
7. I cannot do it all. Wait. Scratch that. I can do it all, I just cannot do it all awesomely.
8. I am angry a lot. This emotion has been my tendency for a lot of my life. I have to remember that and begin to accept that I have no control over things, but I can control how I react to them.
9. No matter how hard today feels, tomorrow (or sometimes a few days later) ALWAYS gets better.

Nine things here. I am sure there is more, but I can't think right now.

Any insights you have to share, please leave them in the comments section.

Sleeping Routine

In response to Allison's post

When A was sick over Christmas, I moved the chaise lounge into his room and slept by the bed so I could be close to him and nurse him when he woke and as needed. I was picking him up every hour or two, and since he's been well, he continued to expect me to be there and he would wake every 1-2 hours at night and only took 30 minute naps for the last 10 days. I was drained to say the least. So I decided to implement some type of sleep routine for when he wakes in the night and for when he goes to sleep.

See how I am not calling it "sleep training?" I took in all the book methods and decided to do a bit of a hybrid approach to getting A back to a normal sleep routine. In no way am I advocating for anything here. I truly think that we know what is best for our child, and based on his personality, I decided to keep these things in mind:

• A loves to suck. Pacifier would be a must for his routine. I will reevaluate this as he gets older, but for now, paci it is.
• A gets very very worked up easily, so I need to be aware that and adjust
• A hates a wet diaper, so if I believe that he is awakened by a wet diaper, I need to change it quietly and quickly in his crib and begin the waking routine.
• A loves to hear me sing, so I will make sure that singing is involved in his routine.
• If I hear the scary cry, I will pick him up no matter what.

OK. Before daylight savings time, A would go to bed at 7:00-7:30. Since the time change, he goes to bed between 6:00 and 6:30. I've tried to make it later but he seems to get tired and that time is our time. So, bedtime routine begins at 5:00 with a bottle of expressed milk, bath, lotion, songs and bedtime stories. Sometime he gets cranky and we can't finish the stories and songs, but for the most part, this takes us to around 6:00. Then I lay him in his crib, turn on the humidifier and sound machine (I have this one---I've had it for years to help drown out noise from the neighbors at our old place). Then I go and tuck him in, give him a kiss and his pacifier, sing one final verse of a song, and turn the lights off and I'm out. He'd sleep until 3 or 4 in the morning, and then I'd go in and feed him and he'd fall right back to sleep until 6 or 7.

He used to fall right asleep until the whole Xmas sickness thing, so now I add this routine:

If he cries, I go in after 3 minutes. I replace the paci, put my hand on his chest, and sing part of a song softly. He calms immediately, and I leave. If he cries again, I look a the clock and wait 5  minutes. Repeat the process. If he cries again, I wait 10 minutes. The hardest 10 minutes of my life. I go back in, repeat the process. And that's been it so far. I am lucky.

For the past few nights, he wakes at 7:00ish, and I check his diaper first. It's been dry, so I repeat the process. I'm down to the 5 minute mark there. He then wakes again around 10, and I change his diaper. Again, it takes two trips before he is back to sleep. Then I hear him when I am sleeping. Once around midnight, but he falls back asleep and is mostly just talking and chirping, not crying. He does this again at 2:00ish. Same as the midnight waking. Then if he wakes again (usually around 3:30 or 4:00), I'll feed him because that was our routine before the sickness. He eats then falls asleep until 6:00 or 6:30 when he wakes for the day. So, basically from the 10:00 check to 3:30 or 4:00, he is on his own and is fine. I am confident that this sleep routine will be back to normal again soon, but for now, this is what's happening here.

For the record, I struggled with letting him cry. I mean, I waited for this child for 4 years; why wouldn't I be with him as much as possible. However, I would rather he fall into a positive sleep routine now than deal with it when he is older. I even contemplated bed sharing, but that is not something DH and I want to do.

Naps have been a bit more trying. When I figure that one out, I'll post. We aren't very regular yet, so it's been tough.