Back from beta 7dp5dt or 7dp6dt (not sure exactly)*****updated****

I just returned from my beta blood draw. It won't be back for a few more hours. I tested yesterday afternoon and it was stark white (internet cheapies), so I am pretty confident this cycle is also a bust. I spent yesterday pretty much a blubbering mess and was super pissy at DH for being somewhat insensitive. Ugh.

I will be getting the dreaded phone call sometime in the next few hours. I instructed the nurse to just leave it on my voice mail, as I will be unavailable from 10-12 for commencement ceremonies.

Gah! I felt (still feel) an enormous amount of sadness to be on the BFN end of now two IVF FET cycles, but even more sadness for those women who do multiple IVFs and FETs without ever seeing a BFP. I didn't really know what this type of sadness is/was until recently, and wow, it hurts.

And as everyone is so (annoyingly at times) insistent on telling me is that I have my two boys, (yes, I know this), it doesn't make the losses, the BFNs, any better. I wanted to grow my family, and I fucking cannot.
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Negative.

Transfer Complete

Two blasts made it. One was an expanded blast, and one was a regular one. The third did not survive.

I am happy, resting, and thinking happy thoughts.

Tuesday Transfer

Tuesday is the day of the FET. I am a bit indifferent to it all. I did a good job not dwelling on it all these past weeks, but the butt PIO shots really make one not forget!

We are still on for thawing the last of the 3 and transferring what is left. No judgment, please. I know this is risky, and part of me feels foolish for doing so. But last transfer of 2 perfect blasts and BFN?

Success for FET after a successful fresh are statistically lower.

And in my heart I don't believe all three are going to make it to a baby.

My prediction (since I am Nostradamus) is that one will not survive the thaw so we'll only have two left.

Of those two, one will attach and split.

Ha! Obsess much?

That's where I am putting my money. After all, this is "My Vegas."

Beta is on the 16th or 17th (can't recall).

Cheers, y'all!

Weird good or weird bad? Or just weird?

I start Lupron tomorrow, 11/12. Last cycle I started it on 9/12.


Um, is this cycle going to be day for day the same? If so, is that good or bad? I mean in a boogie-voodoo-jinxsie way?


Don't answer that.


Well at least I should know around the exact date of my transfer then. Off to go line up daycare.

It's back on

After a weekend of drinking heavily (after the boys went to bed, of course), I grieved and began bargaining with my husband about our last three blastocysts. I felt as though I was deceiving him since the decision to do this most recent failed FET meant that no matter what the outcome, we were done. However, I backed out of that and spent Saturday and Sunday bargaining, being logical: hubs' main concern is the money, and dumping money into ART.

"What's another $4000 really mean over a 45 year life span. Pennies, I say."

or

"If we freeze for a couple of years, that is $1000, and then if we decide to destroy, that means another $500 to transfer to another state (our state will not allow the destroying of embryos). So really, this FET is only going to cost $2500."

or

"We can just stop contributing to the boys' 529s for one year and have this FET paid for."

or

"Let's cancel the house phone and the water delivery. That's $1500 dollars right there that can pay for this FET"

and, my favorite

"If I am no longer trying to get pregnant then I probably will start dying my hair and getting regular mani/pedis, which will cost around $2000 for one year. So really, this FET will only be costing $2000."

and on and on.

Then I got real. I said to him, "If you are done family building, then I will shut up and leave it alone forever. Please be honest and tell me what you think."

And he said he wasn't done. He wants more kids.

And I cried. And I promised him that this means NO fresh IVF. Once more with FET.

Once more. And here I was, months ago, fretting over transferring two and getting twins.

We are on for a December transfer of the last 3 if they thaw and survive.

Today was day one of heavy flow, so I called the RE and will begin BC pills Sunday.

It's on.

But I am probably not going to post much about it.

In fact, I know I will not be HPT testing either.

This cycle is going to go down quietly.

I'll post when/if I feel the desire,

I hope you are around in December.

7dp5dt, negative

It's official.

This sucks.

6dp5dt, you guessed it

negative.


However, I looked at Amazon's review of the cheap test strips and apparently there are mixed reviews. Many people are saying that the tests I have are BUNK!


So there!


I have one EPT, and I'm saving that for tomorrow morning, the morning of my blood test. Aye! Oh, and that test is expired, so if that one is negative too, then I'll just chalk it up to the expiration.


Test is tomorrow at 11:15am.


I'll post when I know.

5dp5dt, Still here

Back to work, thank goodness! I have lots to do today so I won't be obsessing, no thank you. I did test again this morning, and it was negative, of course. Out of pure "safety" to my mental health, I purchased a bottle my favorite Bordeaux last night so I can crack it open once the negative news comes in on Friday, and I've lined up one friend to come share it with me. Oh, I am prepared.

Of course all the while I remember that I did get knocked up "naturally," and when I had my beta, it was in the 1000s, and I had no symptoms, so there.

**le sigh**

4dp5dt, I'm a junkie

I keep testing and they are keep coming up negative, white all the way. Ugh. I tested at 3:00 am and 7:00am. ha! This is really just ridiculous. I am actually finding my behavior slightly comical. Of course it's too early to test, and so what if I got faint BFP 3dp5dt on the fresh cycle. grrrrr...

Plus I don't feel pregnant, Ha! I'm not even sure what that means! I mean, aside from the neurotic testing, I feel really good-- not tired, not bloated, not cranky. My itty bitty shrunken titties (with LARGE stretchy nips thanks to breastfeeding the boys for one year each) aren't swollen or hurting. I am hungry a lot, but that's all.

I'm over analyzing when I should be enjoying my day off! You heard that! It's fall break today (and yesterday, too) at the college, and both boys are at daycare and I am at home contemplating taking another test. Gawh! And it's, like, 70 degrees! And not hot! We had a cold front move through (yes, I realize that sounds silly to most of you who are probably thinking "70 degrees is a cold front?") Argh! I gotta get out of here.........

3dp5dt, I'm an idiot

I tested. Like, 30 minutes ago. Duh, of course it was negative but now I can't get this BFN out of my mind. Ugh! I am an idiot. I need one of you to come to my house STAT and confiscate all the pregnancy tests I own. Right now! Hurry before I test again!!

1dp5dt FET

Here we go!

Transfer completed yesterday. What a mad rush. I overslept (never do that!), babysitter was late (she overslept!), then we got bumped to a noon transfer instead of the original 11:30 as told. But then had to wait another 45 minutes before the transfer began. Ouch to my full bladder!

Here they are! They thawed 2 (still have 3 left!) According to all in attendance, both blasts are grade 4A (perfect at this clinic), uterus looked perfect, transfer was perfect, perfect perfect perfect. I left there feeling optimistic.

Of course I have been obsessing how one blast looks kinda oval-ish (and neither looks like the previous blasts from 2010 that were transferred).

Anyway, bed rest with a one and three year old = not happening. Yesterday I tried to be as lazy and relaxed as possible, but I was on my own yesterday, and both boys were acting like, well, acting normal, which meant no rest for me. You know, because they can SENSE a weakness and will POUNCE all over that weakenss! ha! Once they went to bed, I went to bed.  Hubs is off today and has taken them outdoors until lunch. I am vegging out and plan to shower soon,

I am debating whether or not to POAS. I think I will end up doing so. Last time I got a faint BFP 3dp5dt and the lines kept getting darker. The earliest I plan to test is Tuesday, which will be 4dp5dt.

Beta is Friday,

watch this! for real!

Hey, have you seen these videos? OMG. Really funny.

Click on the link below:

Does This Baby Make Me Look Fat

Everything is a go for Friday

Just got back from my last lining check. I'm at 13.4 or something, which the nurse says is picture perfect. Yipee! Friday is the day. Fingers and toes and all crossed over here.

PIO this time around

What a difference 4 years makes. Back in 2010, PIO shots meant a 22 gauge needle. Ouch! This time around? 25 gauge. Also I noticed that in 2010 I used PIO in sesame oil. This time around it is in ethyl oleate. So the shot itself? No pain whatsoever. I actually didn't even feel it. Woot! No bumps either, although the actual point on injection is tender when I push on it.

Anyway, for those fearing PIO like I had, it seems that for whatever reason (different pharmacy, newer meds, better protocol), PIO is not so scary.

Now, ask me about this in 5 or 7 days once my arse becomes a pincushion.

P.S. I did keep the syringe filled up with the oil in the waistband of my underpants to "warm it up." Not sure what effect that had on the whole process, but hey, couldn't have hurt it.

P.S.S. Hubs did say it was difficult to push. We were there awhile. I'm sure that is the downside of the smaller needle for him but not for me!

Transfer date is scheduled

This morning was my last lupron shot. I begin PIO Sunday am (oh yipee!), and then I have one more US and BW on Tuesday. And then? Friday at noon is the FET.

Whoa! This seemed to take forever and yet it snuck up on me. I have heard women say FETs are so much easier, and yes, I would have to say so. I mean, other than sticking a blue pill up my vag 3 times a day, everything else has been pretty uninteresting. I have no bruises from shooting the lupron, and zero side effects. I am sure that PIO will bring the bloat and tiredness, but I am already tired. hahahaha

I am feeling excited and scared and hopeful and then the fleeting worry hits and dissipates. But I feel good. Really good.

Surprising Side Effect of Meds

Hello sex drive. Seriously, I don't know what else to attribute my current state of mind, like, all the time. It must be the meds, because I am just as stressed, overworked, and tired as I have even been.

Just thought I'd share some happy news.

Losing my hair

Literally, I am losing my hair in chunks. Is this a side effect from the meds? I don't recall this happening when I was stimming during my fresh IVF cycle. Anyone experience this before?

Argh!

When there are more reasons not to do this

I remember struggling with the pros and cons of assisted reproduction back in 2009. I had just had my big surgery, the lap and hysteroscopy, and was getting set to begin IUI with injectables. But we halted. Well, I halted it all (ahem, back then it was mostly all me making the decisions. DH was still in the clouds about all this). For me, there were more reasons not to begin with the RE than there were to keep trying naturally. I believed I wanted to go the eastern medicine route, and I did. I fully accepted the weekly, sometimes twice weekly acupuncture, the herbs, the dietary changes (hello, I ate black mushrooms, eel, and other weird foods that one would really not want to consume). I made the charts and weighed the options, and I was too scared, in denial probably, to move with western medicine and getting preggo.

However, as you know, I broke. Chinese medicine was not getting me preggo, so after 6 solid months, we went back to the RE and started. Even then, I charted the pros and cons, and from IUI to IVF, the charts were always there.

Now that I am here, almost 4 years later, staring at the consents I just signed, I do not have a pen to paper chart of the pros and cons. No, that would be too scary because I see the chart in my head; I don't want to see it on paper. I can tell you that there seems to be more reasons not to proceed with the FET, and here I am, back to what feels like 2009, thinking we should just try naturally again.

I don't know what it is really that scares me so much about assisted reproduction.

IComLeavWe Post

Hey all! Thanks for stopping by for IComLeavWe. You can read my history on the right side of my blog, but to sum it up, I am parenting two boys, age 3 (conceived through IVF) and 1 (surprise BFP), and am currently in the beginning of my first FET cycle. I started Estrace yesterday and Vivelle Friday. I have been injecting Lupron for the past 10 days. So far so good. No big side effects, except for my coffee withdrawals! ha! I chose to stop coffee when I started Lupron. I know; not necessary, but I want to make sure this is all done as "correctly" as possible, and that means no caffeine or alcohol while I'm prepping for the transfer.

I signed consent forms at the RE and have decided to transfer two blasts. This may change as the days near, but hubs and I have talked it through, and we are on board with whatever possibilities may arise from the transfer.

I have a lot of weird feelings about the FET. I guess I am simply building my family now, but am I still infertile? If I conceived "naturally," does that mean I am cured? I also feel a bit like I am being greedy. Weird, right? I do think it has a lot to do with feeling guilty about having IVF success, then a bonus baby, and here I am again. All those buried emotions that come with infertility come bubbling up, and I sometimes feel overwhelmed.

But on a higher note, if you are here for the first time, welcome! I look forward to reconnecting with people on my blog!

Champagne Tonight

I popped open a split of Moet just a few minutes ago to celebrate FET eve. I begin Lupron tomorrow morning: 20 units a day. I won't lie. I am a little scared of what may happen (side effects). Most I have read sound pretty awful, so I am not sure how functioning daily is going to work. Maybe side effects will somehow not be a big deal (ha!). Anyway, tonight is my last night of having drinks for a long while (hopefully, right?).

We have decided to keep the FET a secret (like the IVF) for a number of reasons, one being that I just don't want to have any possible heartbreak shared with our world. I imagine people saying stupid crappy shit like "Well you have two boys already" and any other sort of nicety that may come up. We are doing this quietly and will celebrate any happiness after 1st trimester.

But this is totally going to work.

Fingers crossed, champagne flute raised. Cheers, y'all!

FET in motion

My hysteroscopy was uneventful. The RE found a few polyps near the cervix and an overall thick lining. This was on August 26, so I have been on pelvic restrictions (BOO!). I am still on BC pills and begin lupron injections on September 12. I see the RE for an ultrasound and blood work on September 19 (I assume it is the 3 day workup since I stop BC pill on the 16th). Other than this, I am in the dark as to what the schedule for transfer will be. I am assuming mid October, but we'll see.

The question that has been weighing me down in how many to transfer. This is our last shot. Financially, doling out $4000 is not something we can do again anytime soon, and I do not want to keep waiting to get preggo. It's now (nowish) or we are done; I am done trying, hoping, thinking, planning. I want this stage of my fertility to be happening or to be done. I'll be 40 in January, so hopefully 40 is the last age I'll be pregnant.

I feel so fortunate that IVF #1 worked and gave us A in September 2011. Then a surprise BFP gave us O in May 2013. I have more than hit the jackpot. I am the luckiest person alive, really. But we have 5 top quality frosties from the IVF #1 and I feel like I need to give it a shot. I am sure that the RE is going to insist on 2 being put back, but twins, triplets (one splitting)...scares me. I don't want this FET and its success to take away from the two kids I already have. I just can't even imagine how hard it will be to have multiples while parenting a one and three year old (and holding a full time job). DH thinks we should put two back, but when I said "Oh, you are ready to have twins?" He made the worst noise, almost in disgust. I told him "If you don't want twins, we shouldn't put two back."

And then I think, whatever happens, we'll deal. We will do it. We will survive, because honestly, these past few years, for me, is what parenting means. It's about so much but one is just surviving the day, the hour, getting to nap time, getting to 8:00 o'clock (bedtime).

And then I think we could put one, two, or even three back and NONE implant. And frankly, that scares me the most.

FET halted

Yeah, I predicted this would be the case. My uterus at day 7 of my cycle has a lining of 19, causing both the tech and the RE to ask if I had a full flow. Um, yes, regular periods for 3 months.

Then they panicked and searched my bits for a sac (not pregnant!)

So the plan to have surgery to clean me out (hysteroscopy) a week from Tuesday.

I am disappointed that we couldn't just get this started already. So if this is like anything from before, I will have to wait a cycle after the surgery to begin again.

:(

FET: It's on, baby

Tomorrow I start BCP. Friday I have the sonohysterosalpingogram to check and see if the uterus is free of polyps. Medicine ordered and paid for, which surprisingly was mostly covered by my insurance! Woot!

If all goes well, it looks as if transfer will happen in the middle of next month.

Here we go!

Update

It's weird to be back in this space. I haven't posted since the birth of #2, although I have thought about it a lot. A will be 3 in September, and O is now 14 months. They are fun and challenging boys.

And after I stopped nursing O at the end of May, AF returned and we have started to TTC for #3. I won't lie. I expected to get preggo right away (just as I did in total shock with #2). However, no BFP in July, and we'll see what happens in early August when I can test again. It's pretty ridiculous that I somehow believe I can or will get preggo on my own. Oh silly me...

We plan to jump into FET. We have 5 frosties, so if AF returns in August, I'll be headed back to the RE for the FET.

FET scares me a bit. We aren't rich and will be scrounging to afford the $4000 for the FET and meds. I was first adamant about doing single embryo transfer, but the stats are pretty abysmal for FET at my age (39). All my frosties are 5AA, so top quality. RE recommends at least two. Two makes me nervous.



Cheers!