Update, a tad bit late

I've been dealing with a couple of sickos this past week. DH brought home a nasty cold and passed it to little A, so between the two boys, I've been mopping up snot left and right. Ha! to those who say that BFing keeps germs away. Bullcrap I say!

Anyway, A had his 3 month check up and a round of shots. He weighs just shy of 13 pounds and is 24 1/2 inches long. He gained an inch and a pound since the last visit. Oh, and his head is 41 cm, so he grew 1 cm in a month, too. He also had two vaccines--one was hep B which I was reluctant to give him. I mean, he isn't planning on having sex or sharing needles quite yet, but I felt pressured to give in. I dunno. I hate this whole vaccinate against any and everything crap. Measles, mumps, Ok. Chicken pox though?  I know. I know. I should be thankful that we do have the technology and the know, but somehow, as it is with hep B, I know that it is ultimately about profits for drug companies. I am not even vaccinated against hep B, so why push it on a little infant. The doc scared DH, so he wanted to go with it. I am 50 percent of the decision maker, and I didn't want to fight about it.

Back to breastfeeding---since he's been sick, he's been on the boob every hour or so around the clock. Seems like the strike is over for now. The doctor wasn't too concerned. She did note that his weight gain slowed down, so to just make sure he is getting a boob every 3-4 hours during the day. Since he's been sick, I moved the chaise into his room and have been sleeping next to him. Any phlegm wakes him and he gets pissed. Plus I like the comfort of knowing I am right there if he needs me. It's been kinda sweet sleeping near him again. We put him in his crib when he was about 4 weeks old, so it is nice to be back by his side.

It is funny to think of a year ago---I was POAS every day, got my first beta, closed on this dream house we are living in. And now? DH and I had dinner after we put A down on Xmas eve, and as I was plating the potatoes, he said, "Think about it---next year instead of dinner after he goes to bed, we'll be wrapping presents for Xmas morning." I wept in the potatoes. Like, sobbing, and I turned to him and hugged him. I said nothing to him but was thinking that this was the first time we connected in a long long time.

I hope you all had a merry xmas!

Three (!) Months

Tomorrow is 3 months. Three months seems like a silly thing, yet I can't believe I am here, typing those words and giving an update on bebe A. He is getting big, and we go to the doc for his 3 month check-up Thursday, so I'll get the weight stats then. I can tell he is growing because he now kicks the arm rest of the glider when he nurses.

Speaking of nursing, about 2 weeks ago, he started rejecting the right breast. I didn't think much of it, especially because he'll take it when he is half asleep, so I am sure it's not bad milk, mastitis, or the like. Well, last week, he started rejecting both breasts. or at least fighting to drink. His latch, which used to be herculean, is now wimpy. This all happened after I had a couple of work days where DH was in charge from morning until night because I was stuck at school with finals and grading sessions. So, I concluded that A must realize that the bottle is way cooler than the nipple. Lactation consultants told me to stop all bottle and binky use and exclusively breastfeed him. Well, that was an utter (or shall I say udder) fail. I'm not going to let my baby starve, and the truth is that I'd rather go with his needs rather than my own desire to have him nurse directly from me. So I nurse him until he gets antsy, then offer him expressed milk. This has made things oh so much harder because now I am nursing and pumping at each feeding (except the sleepy feeds when he doesn't know any better). I'd like to say that nursing directly from me is what I think is best, but once school starts back up, he'll be hitting the bottle again anyway, so why make things difficult for him in the short term.

Anyone have this issue before? I can't imagine that A is trying to wean himself from me, but who knows. I am a rookie at this---I plan to ask the doc about this Thursday. I read that it might be teething that causes this, or maybe an ear infection. I don't see any signs of the latter, but the teething--I have never seen so much drool before in my life. And his little fingers are prodding and poking at his lower gums. Hmm....

I'll post again soon with pictures and stats. Have a happy Sunday.

Xmas photos, etc.

I took down that last post about marriage. I reread it and felt like I was too bitchy. Things are still lingering around this house, which makes it a bit uncomfortable right now. Plus, MIL is gracing us with her annoyance, ahem, I mean presence. She's pretentious and clingy and hates me and I don't really know why. From what DH has said, she pretty much annoys everyone and she has no friends. That is all too sad, yes, so as long as I can avoid her as much as possible, my weekend will be fantastic.

On a much happier note, I have to turn in grades on Tuesday. Then, my 5 week vacay begins! Yeah! 100 percent Mommy time with my adorable chunk. I have miscellaneous prep to do since I am teaching a course I haven't taught before. But other than that, yipee!

The weeks of firsts...

So, this past week, here are some milestones:

1. A slept. In the night. Twice. Last night he went to bed at 7:15 and woke at 5:00, right after my alarm went off. The night before, he went down at 7:30 and woke about 3:30, but I think it had something to do with my spazzy wake up and run to see if the baby is breathing stampede that happened. I woke around 3:30 and jumped out of bed because, well, because this was not normal. Just when I thought I was going to lose it from one more night of deprivation....

2. Spotting...ahem. Yup. A couple of days ago, I felt kinda crampy PMS-y, but I thought maybe it was just my digestive tract working something out. I don't think today's spot is a period yet, but I am pretty sure that it has something to do with how long A went without BFing last night---I read that the absence of suckling makes prolactin levels fall, and that could be the source of bleeding. Maybe I'll be fertile and get that magical Hail Mary/Urban Myth pregnancy that happens (although I know this can happen--fellow blogger, M, had this! It's true! Ah!)

3. FET talk. Already you ask? Yes, and the discussion happened before he slept so much these past two nights. We are shooting for late June in the hopes we can time the baby to come right before spring semester ends in 2012. I can take the summer off without having to use sick time (which I currently have none). As much as I kinda don't want to do this again right now, it isn't about me. I want A to have a sibling, and we want them to be close in age if we can swing it. We have 5 frozen blasts, all in pretty good condition. We have already decided that this FET is a SET (single embryo transfer).

4. Three (!!) more weeks of class then I am off for 5 glorious weeks before the Spring semester. I can't wait to have 100 percent of A every day! I miss him when I am at school.

It is getting better

Sometime this past week, we've turned a corner here. A is now 7, almost 8, weeks old, and he is better (or I am better--who knows). His stomach issue seems to be gone or at least manageable. He's smiling and happy and playing more now. No longer are we in crying fits that never seem to be under control! Yeah! Thanks to all of you who sent me love and support. I know I don't post much, but you all seriously helped.

I am curious to know if there are any successsful breastfed-baby-sleeping-through-the-night stories to share. Anyone? Many of my bloggy friends are having success, but I am curious if I am having a hard time with it because A is only drinking breastmilk. Any ideas on how or when I should expect the feeding fest to end in the late nights/wee hours of the morning?

Blog you have to check out!

Have you been here yet? So great!

http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/about

One Month

Yesterday we celebrated one month for A. He had his doctor appointment and he weighs a whopping 10 lbs 3 oz! Yikes! He's gained two pounds since birth! He screamed for the entire appointment, so paying attention to what the doctor was asking/saying was difficult. Next month starts vaccines--poor little guy.

Things have been hot and cold as far as the crazy gas and crying. I asked the doctor if giving him infant probiotics might help. She said there have been some studies that suggest it will; I am planning to get out to the store and purchase it for both me and him. Some days he is angelic, and some days he is inconsolable.

Today is an inconsolable day.

Nights have been good, though. He is in bed by 7:30-8:00. We wake him around 10:30 for dream feed of 3 oz, and that gets us to around 2:00ish. This morning it was 2:30. Then he eats and falls back asleep until 6:30ish. I love the nights. He seems to know it is night because his eyes stay closed nearly the whole time. Now, if we can find some routine for the days

This Shit is Hard!

I hope the title says it all.

I don't remember in any advice or from reading baby books about how much the first few weeks actually is hard, and I don't mean hard but rewarding; I mean hard as I want to pack my bags and run away to the west coast hard. Or somebody give me back my old life. I mean that in the most honest way possible. Of course I don't want to run away or be without baby A, but, well, you know---I am still looking for the sunshine and happy elephants roaming the wilderness scenario where my baby sleeps, smiles, eats, and raises his hand when he needs something instead of clawing me with his tiny tiny fingers.

DH went back to work, and I have to admit I like it better when he isn't here. If I know I have to do it all, I can pace myself. When I believe I can rely on someone else, I get sorely disappointed and even more upset when DH can't help the baby. I can't even help the baby sometimes, but at least when it's just me, I feel more patient, as if I have to be.

My parents and brother were here this past weekend/week. Visitors are hard to handle, especially when they stay for longer than an hour or so. I mean, I am so used to acting like it's the playboy mansion around here, walking around with my shirt off and my boobies exposed. When you have long term guests, you gotta be civilized, and that means being fully dressed.

On a happy note, I am 4 pounds away from prepregnancy weight. My boobs are rockin huge, and I mean cleavage and I didn't even wear a push-up bra huge. I have my post partum doctor appointment next Tuesday. She's seeing me at 4 weeks and I am hoping I get the green light to exercise (hello running shoes...) and have sex. Yes, I actually want sex, can you believe it? I must be insane.

Baby A has been better the last couple of days. My diet is pretty bland now because he has had the worst stomach issues. I eliminated dairy, chocolate, caffeine, and nuts, and he is so much better. We are giving him Mylicon drops 6-8 times a day and sometimes Gripe water. I swear I have the fussiest baby ever born.

I am back to work on the 24th, and I am strangely looking forward to reconnecting with civilization for a few hours a day. I don't know how the hell I am going to manage the workload, papers, research, cleaning, cooking, dog care, and baby care, but I guess I'll manage.

Uh oh. A is grunting and groaning. Time to get out the milk jugs! More later, y'all!

Birth Story, part II

OK. I'm back.

The next couple of hours are somewhat of a blur, but the gist of it all was that I went from 7cm to 9.5 in about 2 hours. In that two hours, bebe's heart rate dropped and I had to be moved from the left side, then the right side a few times. The nurse and doc were very calm, but I think it was a little bit of a scary situation. While they were moving me and monitoring me, I went inside completely and breathed calmly. I knew if this might mean emergency C section if the rate didn't recover. Luckily it did, and when the doc checked me at 9.5 cm, things around the room got crazy busy. Next thing I know DH was holding one of my legs, the nurse was holding the other, and I was told to start pushing. The eipdural made me feel like I was a water balloon, and I tried to push using the lessons I learned from yoga, but I couldn't feel anything. The doctor said to act like I am doing crunches--those are the muscles I need to push. Man, that made total sense. So with each contraction, I clenched my stomach as though I were doing intense crunches, and I watched as he slowly emerged. I was watching in the mirror and saw that he had hair!! I was a bit winded, so they gave me an O2 mask which made me feel closed in, so I used it sparingly.

TMI, but let me tell you, birthing is not pretty. Things were coming out of all ends at this point. Plus, I was shivering and shaking (probably due to epi, but who knows), I was nauseous and thought I was going to hurl about 5 times.

Anyway, somewhere near the end, I'd say about 4 contractions before he was born, I felt the mood of the room get panicky. His heartrate decelerated big time (Dh told me this all later), so the nurse, DH, and the doc were all telling me to push push push. I again went inside myself and just focused on the pushing and was no longer looking at the mirror. Something came over me. It was a sense of urgency that I was either picking up from the room and from my gut, but things had to happen fast. All I can tell you is that I pushed with everything I had, and the next thing I remember is DH getting close to my face, tearing up, telling me it was a boy. I opened my eyes and looked at the doc who was suctioning out his little mouth. He was screaming so loud! He was gurlgling and screaming and my body was shaking and shivering. Doc put him on my chest and he just smelled so perfect. His mouth was so close to mine and he was so loud and pissed!!! He looked big to me--I don't know what I expected, but he was solid as a rock. I just kep telling him "hello" and "I love you." I couldn't believe this was happening. What I felt was pure euphoria and bliss, a kind of happiness I have never experienced. Probably the lack of O2, exhaustion, hormones, etc. It was the biggest high of my life, and I'll never forget that moment.

Dh later told me that his HR dropped, and the doctor and nurse were anxious and said they needed to get this baby out. It turned out that the cord was wrapped around his neck, and when the doctor was able to pull him out (ouch! No wonder I had a 2nd degree tear), she slipped the cord over his neck and he was fine. He said that there was panic in the room, but they were careful not to let me know. I told him I sensed the panic, but I didn't know for sure.

Now, two weeks into this mommy role, and I have to say, at least 100 times a day I look at him and think, "Is this real?"

Birth Story Part I

So I thought it all started Friday night. I began having what I thought were real contractions. I wasn't in pain, but they definitely felt different from the regular BH. Those contractions continued into Saturday, so much so that DH began packing up the car. Then, early in the am on Sunday, nada! It all stopped, and I was sad. I figured this was my last chance to go in au natural and not have to be hooked up to machines.

Monday morning we checked in at 6:00am for the induction. I was 41w5d, and with the activity of the past weekend, I figured they'd check me and say "Wow, look how far you've come!"

No such luck.


Me and my pret.ty pus.hers gown. Aren't I huge??

The doc came in around 8:00 and checked me. I was still around 2, -2 station (what what? baby went back up?) and my cervix was high. My "labor" pains this weekend? Obviously nothing because I regressed.

She told me she was starting me on cyto.tec. I freaked out. I thought we were doing cervidil, and all the google search I've done on cytotec was so scary, so we discussed the pros of cytotec. She basically said that the cytotec is a pill, works for 4 hours, and its job is to soften my cervix. So the pill was inserted and we waited. I was bound to the bed for 2 hours, but that was fine because I was feeling nothing other than the urge to pee. DH and I watched TV, and when I could move out of the bed, I went to the bathroom and then proceeded to do anything in my power to get things started. I was bound to the bed area--I had the GBS IV, saline IV, and the contraction monitor and baby monitor around my belly. I was a pissy beyotch to say the least. I was not fun. I felt trapped and irritable, but I pushed on forward. I danced, walked in circles, did yoga, belly danced, whatever to keep moving.

Then the nurse came back around 12:30 to check me. The cervix was really really soft, but other than than, nothing. The monitor showed I was contracting every 3 minutes or so, but I wasn't feeling anything. She went off to call the doc and said she'd be back with the next step, which according to the doc earlier would be pitocin. Blah! I was pissy again. Then, I swear as soon as she left the room, I heard a loud thump on the baby monitor to coincide with what I felt as huge thump in my belly.

And it was like I was hit by a truck. No lie. The contractions just began like freakin mad! I was stunned and shocked at the intensity of what was happening. My body just went crazy. I was speechless, breathless, and I thought I just wanted to run away. It was the most thrilling rush I had ever experienced.

And it kept happening.

The nurse came back and said the doc said we could try a thrid method, and that was to see if my body would begin contracting on its own. As soon as she said that, she looked at the monitor and said "Like it is doing now." I breathed out a "yes," and she left us alone.

And the party began. The next time I looked at the clock, it was 3:30pm, and I was yelling our code word for the epidural.

I caved, but let me tell you what happened. This was not fun. Not that I expected labor to be fun, but I forgot EVERYTHING! I forgot how to breathe, what position to be in. All sense of confidence and control of what I was supposed to do was GONE! And I am not just talking about birth breathing and all that jazz, but even meditation. Gone. I wished I had a doula, but I didn't. My poor DH tried to do the acupressure, but every time he put his hands on me, I tensed up even more!! It was awful. I was horrible and mean and feeling it all. All of the world felt like it was pushing down in my lower back and butt. This was labor!!! I was in labor, and I wanted out. I wanted to run.

I chose the epidural because I was literally stuck in a corner. I didn't want this moment to be something I hated, and I was beginning to go nuts. The only thing I could do was goddess pose and breath heavily, and after 3 hours, my throat felt as though it was on fire. I would barely speak.

The nurse checked me around 3:30pm and I was around 5 cm dialted. She had to infuse me with 2 liters of saline before I could be numbed up, so I continued to goddess and breathe and tell baby to move down. The music was blasting in the ipod (I had headphones on). I was singing. Imust have looked like a freakin lunatic. Definitely not the beautiful natural hypnobirthing videos I saw on you tube.

The epidural was put in about 30 minutes later and as I was being scooched back, my water broke. The nurse checked me and I was at 7! She phoned the doc, and the doc said she'd be ASAP. I was having a baby in the next few hours!

He's here!

Yup. It's a boy, and he weighed in at 8 lbs 2 oz. We got home earlier today. I'll be back for the long story, but short story is one cytotec inserted at 8:30 am softened me up a bit for labor to happen on its own. Pushed for about 45 minutes and had him at 7:46pm. My computer is sucking it right now and won't upload any photo. I'll be back later this weekend for the update. Love to you all!

back from my appointment

Today: 41w1d

Progress since last check-up: Nothing new. Almost at 2cm, but everything is still the same: -1 station, 60 percent effaced.

Induction is scheduled for Monday morning. I go in at 6AM. This pregnancy started off as a medical procedure, so I guess it will end as a medical procedure, too. She plans to start me off with cervidil, then pitocin. I will be on a constant monitor, which means I will be confined to within 6 feet of my monitor. No ability to get in the shower for water therapy or walk around other than around my bed. I fear the confinement will hinder my ability to control the pain without meds, which was my goal. I am disappointed in my body right now. That's all. I couldn't get knocked up on my own, and I can't have this baby on my own. Yeah, quit bitchin, right? At least I'm pregnant. I should be thankful, blah blah.

I know this, but at the same time, I cannot help but feel disappointed, and that's OK, too. I think it is fair to say that it's time to let go of the "ideal birth plan" I had for myself. So there. Poof! Gone.

On a side note, in about 8-12 hours, I am really going to regret the hella spicey buritto I ate for lunch today. In my last attempt at natural induction, I went all out on the spicey. For real. I loaded that thing up with habanero peppers, jalapeno peppers, chorizo, steak---oh so spicey I thought my lips were peeling off. You all might hear me screaming from the loo!

See you all on the other side! Wish me luck, as I plan to shut down the dr. google and obsession with the birth. I am off to enjoy the next 4 nights and 3 days sans work and responsibilities.

41 weeks

I received an email from thebump.com congratulating me on my baby's first week. I laughed. I guess I am carrying around a one week old baby. ha!

Still no news yet, but I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow in the late morning, so hoping for progress! I've been a bit stir crazy. I felt well enough in the back to go for a 2 mile walk today. I'm trying any and all methods of natural induction, and as of yesterday, I bought a hand pump and expressed my breasts for 10 minutes on each side. Hello, can someone say contraction action? I did it around 5:00 pm, and then went for a small walk with the dog, then had some major movement of the uterus for over two hours. It all subsided around 8:30pm, but never the less, yikes! I was alone and a bit scared of it all. I read that this method needs to be done sparingly so one doesn't over stimulate the uterus.

Today I bought pineapple because I heard that pineapple works, too. I'll be having pineapple for dinner tonight! Yumm!

I also hopped on amazon and purchased my workout dvds for post baby. I bought Radiant Mom Yoga and Post Natal Pilates all with the hopes of toning my core and belly. I know I won't be going to yoga on a regular basis like I used to, so I need home motivation, and these dvds seemed to call to me.

Oh, and the fertility clinic called earlier today. My IVF nurse wanted to see how it all went. I gave her the same story I've been telling people all week, but when I hung up, I thought, oh, my chart said triplets. I wonder if she thinks I am 41 weeks along with triplets! I don't see why the MFM or my OB would have consulted with the clinic after the confirmed loss of the identicals. Hmmm...I bet she's walking around the office right now scratching her head. Oh well. I'll call with an update once baby has emerged.

Nah..not labor

All those lovely BH's with minor aching went away. I've had maybe 5 BH since early this afternoon, so I guess it was all "false labor."

Speaking of "false labor," I've been all over google searching the term prodromal labor. This term just seems like a nicer or more professional term for false labor.

Is this labor?

I think I might be in early labor. I started having some regular BH-like contractions last night after our dinner party. They were a bit more intense than regular BH. They don't really hurt; I would describe them as feeling like intestinal cramping as if I have to use the bathroom. They are around a minute or less and are coming anywhere from every 15-20 minutes to sometimes every 5-7. Very irregular. It actually woke me up a few times when I would finally fall asleep.

My head and heart are wrapped around the idea that this baby would emerge around the full moon. This morning around 4am was the full moon, so if this is labor, then he/she is beginning to emerge. The blast transfer was during the full moon, so wouldn't it be appropriate for the baby to come during the full moon, too?

DH drove me nutso last night. I tossed and turned, hit the couch, all the normal stuff I've been doing since this crazy back pain. However, each time I moved, he shot up and asked, " Are you OK? Is it time?" It was cute the first 100 times, but after awhile I got a bit bitchy and said (in a bitchy loud voice) "I'm FINE!" I apologized 100 times and he was so incredibly sweet and never mad at me for being a diva. I told him nicely this morning not to treat me any differently, and if I think this is more intense labor, I will let him know. He went to work today, thank goodness, because I don't think I can handle him asking how I am every 15 minutes.

Today is day 1 of maternity leave. I think I might get my nails done and a brow wax. And I have laundry to do. And I have sleep to catch up on.

Come on, baby!

I'm late!

Officially, I'm overdue. Righttttt....and I am in so much frickin pain. I can't sleep or walk. This totally sucks and my infertile guilt is kicking in hard that when I am upset by this pain, I get down on myself for being miserable. But I am.

I decided today was my last day of teaching. All is good there, but that means that I'm stuck at home until the 19th at the latest. Yup. No more progress on the labor/pre-laor front. Doc checked me Thursday and I'm still 1.5cm and -1 station, 60% effaced. Whatev's, right? She's giving me to the 19th then we induce. I think I am willing to endure this hellish pain until then for a chance at a drug free birth. We'll see, right?

I really can't complain. I've had such a wonderful pregnancy up until these past 8 days. sigh...

Widget WTH?

Hey widget on the side of my blog. Why are you now adding days to this pregnancy? This morning I woke up and it said 1. No, my friend. You should be saying "-1" or "Come out already!"

Due date!

And still waiting. This sciatica thing has me walking like one of Michael Jackson's Thriller zombies. Or like Tony Soprano's Russian mistress, Svetlana. I am literally dragging my right leg as I walk.

I had an acupuncture appointment yesterday to help cure this pain. I feel better today, but in no way am I able to walk far distances.

I have no other labor signs other than pretty regular BH. Bebe is still kicking and punching my right side, mostly when I am trying to fall asleep. I am still checking the heartbeat like a crazy infertile. I swear that baby beat thing has saved my sanity.

Appointment with OB tomorrow afternoon. Let's hope for some kind of progress.

Call me Ms. Waddle

Oh holy moses. Really. This pain is killing me. I think it is sciatic or sciatica or whatever, but there is shooting pain up my right side and down my left side when I walk. For reals this hurts. I was doing the ol' ice for 10 and heat for 10 yesterday, and when I woke up today, I felt a little better. However, I just got back from a trip to Whole Foods to buy more prenatal vitamins and a decaf iced espresso, and I am tense and bitchy. Ugh.

No real contractions, so I don't think this is labor. Which, what the heck does labor feel like? How will I know? I have BH, but I've had those for the last 4 months.

I've done about every stretch possible for sciatic pain, and it seems to help. When I am sitting I am fine. When I am lying down, I'm fine. The problem is with walking. Nothing stops the pain when I walk.

So here I am at this crazy conundrum: I'm supposed to walk to get things moving, but walking hurts, so I can't walk and am possibly keeping the real labor at bay.

Waiting...waiting...waiting...

Anyway, I am super happy sipping on the iced decaf double espresso. Ahhhhhh....

Mucus and Tropical Storms

Nice title, eh? I am in the midst of tropical storm Lee right now. It's funny; I always laughed that this baby would be born during some hurricane evacuation, somewhere on I-55 as we were heading out of town. This TS snuck up on my region, and we are getting hit with weird winds and bands of rain, but nothing worth evacuating for. The roads by the hospital we plan to deliver at are flooded right now, but that happens a lot in my city since we are essentially living in a bowl.

So, I am trapped indoors this weekend due to the storm. DH is working, and I plan to do laundry, clean, and grade some papers.

Oh, and I had the oh so dramatic loss of the mucus plug on Thursday. Yup. I got off the toilet, and before I could pull up my undies and pants, it plopped on the floor of the bathroom. Like an alien being. Dude. That thing looked so bizarre. I almost took a picture (gross, I know), but I didn't. I did stare at it for a minute just to even comprehend what it was I was looking at. Three tissues later it was scooped off the floor and into the toilet. And then began Dr. Google. It's been two days and no signs of labor, so I guess I am one of those whose mucus plug loss means nothing.

I have been aching a lot more lately. Remember how I said I was so happy my classes were a ten minute walk from my office? Well, Friday, I was waddling to get there. No fun. My belly feels tight and stretched, my lower back and buttocks are achy, and it is kinda hard to walk normally. I was at the chalk board giving a lecture and I looked ridiculous moving side to side. I told my students to feel free to laugh at me. And they did. If these pains mean anything, then maybe labor is near.

Still cookin'

39w1d, and I'm still here. I just got back from the doc and not much has changed for me. I am now 1.5cm dialated, which is a small improvement. I am also definitely at -1 station. I feel different. I am doing the pregger waddle now. The baby is making the lady parts ache now, and walking is kinda achy, too. I know I am progressing, even though the numbers aren't showing this.

On an even happier note--doc says we'll talk about medical measures when I hit one week past the due date. Yipee! So I have until September 14 before induction or anything gets discussed. Ah...In the meantime, I'll keep up with the acupuncture appointments in hopes that TCM speeds things up a bit.

Back from the doc

38w1d, and baby is moving in the right direction. Doc says I am over 50% effaced, still 1 cm dialted, but that the baby is at -2 to -1 station, soft cervix. This is a whole lot better than last week's doom and gloom c-section talk appointment. Phew!!

I can't say for sure if the acupuncture is what did it, but I believe it did do somthing to me on Tuesday! I go back on Monday.

Here's a link to a website where you can download a file that goes through acupressure points for labor. It's only 21 pages or so. I printed it out, put it in a binder, and told DH he has homework to do before Monday's acupuncture appointment. She said she would show him how to do these properly. I love my acupuncturist!!!

Ok. Back to my work now. Cheers!

Acupuncture action

I had my first acupuncture appointment today since before the transfer last December, and boy did it work. Immediately I started feeling BH, then by the time I got back to my office, I had some pretty strong contractions with (gulp) some serious sensations (I'm using hypnobirthing method, so "pain" and "contraction" are not supposed to be in my vocab). The strong waves continued until I was able to get home and lie down. I was even walking to my car and had to stop to breathe for a second. Let's hope this starts moving baby down and opening up the cervix a bit. My next dr. appointment is Thursday, so hopefully I will have made some progress.

School started back this week, and I managed to get super organized with my courses for the sub to take over once I have this bebe. I'm taking 6 weeks off, so I needed to do course planning to the tenth week just in case I went late. I normally am not that set with the weekly plans. I like to see how the class evolves and set lesson plans every two weeks. Nevertheless, if I went into labor tomorrow, I'd feel comfortable knowing I can disappear and both students and subs are in the know.

38 weeks tomorrow, and I feel fantastic. Really. I remember scheduling my classes with the dean last spring, thinking about how I thought I would feel when the fall semester started. Two of my classes are in a building that is a good 10 minute walk from my office, and I remember being a bit pissed that the dean couldn't change the class to a closer classroom since I'd be 9 months pregnant. Today, I am glad I have my class where it is. The walk does not bother me at all, even in this sweltering 90 plus degree weather. I am also fortunate to not have any swelling or issues with BP. Yeah, the heartburn returned, but alas, that is my only complaint. It's been a heck of a ride, and although I have enjoyed having bebe rolling around, playing kickball with my kidneys, I am ready to meet him/her and begin my new role in this life. This is in no way an official eviction notice for the bebe; if he/she needs more time, I'm totally Ok with that. I just cannot believe that after all these years of such sadness, hopelessness, and fear, I will be meeting my child soon. I love you, bebe!

Dear Doc, shut the hell up

Had another weekly appointment today. I am 37 weeks, and still only 1cm. So, doc starts discussing the probability that the baby won't drop and I'll be looking at a c-section. HUH WTF? I'm 37 weeks. Why is she being so quick to cut me open?

The baby is head down. I haven't had an ultrasound since 18 weeks. My BP is 110/60. I've only gained 25 pounds. My urine is fine.

My appointment was at 9:15 this morning, and I've been a fuming pissy beyotch the whole day. I contacted my acupuncturist and she is taking me next Tuesday to do some work on me until the end.

Help! Can I change doctors this late? I know I am going to have to talk to her, maybe tomorrow or next week, and reiterate my wishes for a natual birth UNLESS there is some medical reason that makes it necessary for either me or the baby.

I don't like this.

balls! gram b strep positive!

Oh man this sucks! I get the dreaded positive gram b test! Boo! Hiss! Yes, I am googling the piss out of it, but all signs point to a penicillin drip every 4 hours. At least this guarentees me that my doc will not strip my membranes. I can begin to labor naturally and not have to worry about interventions.

Oh, and less vag checks, too.

On that note, I am 36w1d today and am 1 cm dialated. This means nothing as baby still hasn't dropped, and my cervix is still high, but doc says that the baby is doing a textbook kind of progression. Yeah to baby!

Off to google some more.

Planned birth plan, still to be discussed with doc

Here is the birth plan we've come up with. Much of this I stole from other's birth plans, so feel free to use any of my fine bulletpoints (hahaha).

Yeah, you can see I am trying to maintain a drug free birth. I am also hoping to model labor from hypnobirthing, I wanted to insist that DH be the only person who talks to me so I can block out all other stuff and focus on breathing and meditation.

Ha! We'll see if this works. I am hoping. I've been practicing for quite some time. I am ready!!

_____________________________________________________
Birth Plan

*It is well understood that things may happen during labor/delivery and we are flexible, but we would like to have our wishes respected as long as mother & baby are safe. If at any time there are concerns about our wishes, please consult with (hubby). He will then consult with me.

Early Labor
• Please direct all questions to my birth partner, (hubs). He will consult with me.
•Please allow us as much privacy as possible during early labor.
• Please do not offer me pain medication; if I need it I will ask.
•If possible, I would like few internal exams.
•If internal exams are necessary, please do not announce my progress unless asked.
• I do not want the amniotic membrane broken unless absolutely required.
• I would like to try natural methods of movement/position/stimulation before using Pitocin.
• I would like to avoid a c-section, unless absolutely necessary.
• I would like to explore any and all natural methods of pain management including hydrotherapy, breathing, and especially movement.

Final Labor
• Please do not offer me pain medication; if I need it I will ask.
• Please help us to keep the mood of the room calm and soothing.
• Please help me with positions that will avoid tearing.
• No episiotomy.
• I would like coaching on when and when not to push to help avoid tearing.
• I would like (hubs) to announce sex of baby.
• I would like to allow time for the umbilical cord to stop pulsating before it is cut so the baby gets all remaining cord blood.

Baby
• Put on mother’s chest immediately after birth.
• Please delay bath for as long as possible.
• I plan to breastfeed; please NO pacifier, formula, or sugar water.
• We would like to decline the eye drops/gel.
• I would like to meet with a lactation consultant while at the hospital.
• I would like to avoid any separation from baby if it all possible; if separation is needed, I would like (hubs) to be with the baby at all times.
**In case of c-section**
• I would like to hold my baby immediately
• I would like to breastfeed as soon as possible

35/35

Today marks 35 weeks with 35 days left. If I were 35 years old, this numerology thing would be way cooler. Nevertheless, I am in the throes of major prep.

1. Stocked up on nipple balm, bottom balm, and bottom spray (all for me post partum) here. I read another blogger talk about the spray so I thought I should try it.

2. Bought a pretty pushers gown. I bought mine on ebay for $24.99 and it is all black. I tried in on yesterday when it came in. For those of you who might want this, here's the scoop on how it fits. I am 5'5", normally 120-125, right now pushing 150. My bbs are 36B. This gown in comes in two sizes: 2-16 and plus. I bought the 2-16 and it fits perfectly. There is some room around the bust, but there are ties to support it, so if you have bigger bbs that me, it'll fit. I just don't want to wear that god awful hospital gown. I thought about buying gownies, but the maternity store by my house had these, and they were more expensive and still big and awkward.
Oh, by the way, the name "Pretty pushers" really disturbs me, too.

3. I was planning to get a brazilian wax. I am chickening out. Why??? Should I do it? Are you going to do it?

I also had my first of many weekly appointments with the OB yesterday. She did the gram b swab and a cervical check. I'm still closed but getting softer. We also did the hospital tour yesterday. It was sweet to see DH go soft when we saw the well nursery. He just stared and stared. All the babies were pretty much passed out but so cute. I think he is totally starting to get that this is really happening. I have to call and arrange a birthing tub to be ready for my labor. I can't birth in it, but I do want it for labor just in case.

Oh, and since it is so darn hot around here, DH and I saw two movies on Monday: Crazy Stupid Love and Bad Bosses. Both are great; Crazy Stupid Love was actually really really cute. I highly recommend them both!

Third Trimester Changes

34 weeks tomorrow:

1. Heartburn stopped. Yup. It's been, oh, almost 2 weeks and my digestive tract decided to start behaving again.

2. Urge to pee doesn't even mean that there is pee to expel. Grhhh...my every two hour pee alarms are sometimes drip drip drip.

3. Major basketcase emotionally. First, I started reading A Dog's Purpose, and I can't stop crying....like every 4 pages I'm bawling.

4. Because of major emotional issues, even movies are making me nuts. We watched Blue Valentine last night, and I cried for, oh, 20 minutes when the dog was found dead on the highway. In the first 5 minutes of the movie. What's wrong with me???

5. Said mood changes have now left me acting like a total beyotch, specifically the fact that DH cannot pick up after himself, so I started leaving all his shit (dishes, coffee cups) where ever he left them last. It's been 5 days, and he is sure to run out of a coffee cup soon. Gee, you think he'll notice it then? Yes, total passive aggressive, but WTF slob?

6. Baby moves are slower and (ouch) harder now.

7. The television makes me nuts now. I can't channel surf and I get annoyed at the sound of the TV now. Hello! I am missing out on my shows!!

8. Getting in and out of the car is hard now. My legs don't move from the ground to the floor of the car without me concentrating on that manuever. Dork.

9. I want a glass of wine! I haven't been even remotely interested in drinking since pre-IVF, but the last week, wine in on my mind.

10. Saw myself in a full-length mirror for the first time in about 16 weeks. Yikes! My belly is huge. I am carrying long and out in front. Yikes!

trip to L&D

I feel like the post I am about to write is one that many many ladies seem to experience. So, all day yesterday, bebe was acting crazy. The little squirt was flip flopping and kicking and punching, and all day (all day), I was having pretty regular BH. I got home around 4:00 from work and did what a good preggar is supposed to do: lie down and drink water. Contractions continued, and when I was paying attention, they were around 5-7 minutes apart.

7:00 rolls around and it's still happening. Dh is a work, so I am left to google (Oh google!) about BH and preterm labor. I started actually tracking the BH with the ipod app and sure enough, they were every 5-7 minutes and lasted about 30-45 seconds.

At 9:00ish, I said to myself, "If I have another, I'm calling the doc."

Had another.

Waited, thinking this was the last one.

Had another. Fuck. It's 9:06.

I'll call the doc if I have one more.

This cycle continued until 9:30 when I finally called the doc. She suggested L&D trip, So I let the dog out and headed over. I live 5 minutes from the hospital. I called DH and left him a message. By 10:00 I was hooked up to the monitors and sure enough, they were coming every 5-6 minutes. The nurse checked my cervix and it was tight and closed, so the doc said to put me on IV fluids and shoot me up with Brethine. Sometime around 11:00pm I had hubs in the room, the IV dripping, and the shot making me feel like I just drank 50 cups of coffee. I only needed one shot because it worked wonders. My uterus stopped contracting and all was good. I was discharged shortly before midnight and given an Ambien. Yikes! Within 10 minutes, I was loopy and went to bed.

Had a regularly scheduled appoinment with the Ob today, and she basically said that I'm all good and that the Brethine was like a bitch slap to the uterus to stop it from its irritability. Um, "bitch slap" is my words, not the docs. How funny would it be to hear the doc say that.

So, moral of the story: I have none. I am glad I called the doctor even though there was nothing really wrong other than a spazzy uterus. Oh, and Ambien is nutty.

What a difference a year makes

Last night, I got the text that my friend had her baby. This is the same friend who got married last August. She got knocked up pretty quickly, and we were all thrilled for her. I felt even more thrilled for her because she is my age. Jealous, yes, but thrilled nonetheless.

A year ago, I was finishing up my last unsuccessful IUI and feeling quite alone and afraid. Today, I am enjoying the backaches as I grade my papers. I am feeling the kicks and movements of this creature inside of me. I am feeling, dare I say it, like I am pregnant and am going to have a baby. With extreme confidence, actually. I'm not sure where the fear went, but I am calm and happy. Today I am 32w3d.

I went to a cloth diapering class offered by the local natural parenting boutique this morning. I thought I was informed before this, but now I feel like AHHH!! There are so many options to choose from: two-parts, pocket, all in ones, hybrids, one size, fitted. Ahhh! I had no idea, really. It is a lot to digest, but I know for sure that I intend to cloth diaper and feel as though I have resources and a place to go with questions.

In the afternoon, I dropped by prental yoga and enjoyed each moment. When I used to do work-study, I cleaned right after the saturday afternoon class. It was hard to see all those pregnant women leaving class. Sometimes it would really hurt and I'd sweep, mop, and dust my way through the bitterness and anxiety of my infertility. I think I realized for the first time that today, I am one of those pregnant ladies.

Oh, and for those of you who are struggling with back issues, the belly bra works wonders for me. Ok, it's not called the belly bra, but it basically lifts and holds your belly up, relieving the pressure. It's ugly, but it is helping.

Updates, 31 weeks

Yeah, 31 weeks. That's an update alright.

*I kicked the glucose tolerance test's ass: my score was 93! Wooh! I celebrated with dark chocolate and vanilla bean ice cream.

*We have finally finished the room renovation that is now our master bedroom! It took 2 and 1/2 months because it was a total gut rehab, but we are moved in, and it is lovely,

*Nursery should be finished this weekend sans one or two pieces of furniture and wall hangings. I haven't gotten that far in terms of any decorating ideas. That seemed so silly to me because I mostly had been just hoping to stay pregnant. Planning the decor seemed so unrealistic, but it's coming and I gotta start planning.

*Summer school is over in about 2 1/2 weeks, then I get three weeks off! Yipee, although I can't imagine what I can do for 3 weeks in the hot hot August weather.

*Total weight gain is 20 pounds as of Thursday's appointment.

*Met with the pediatrician practice we are choosing. Their office is pretty neat with a well waiting area and a sick waiting area. Nice. Also, they do not use nurses; there are four doctors and just regular people manning the phones, etc. They said that they believe that the only person the parent wants to speak with is the doctor, and they are 100 percent committed to that philosophy. Sweet.

*Got the lowdown on the vaccine issue. This office does its own delay system and does not believe in doing all vaccines such as hep A or RSV. I am cool with their schedule, so my concerns have been met. I still think it is kinda weird to give hep B vaccine to a child since it is only transmitted via blood, but I can compromise.

*Feeling woefully unprepared--for everything. This really is going to happen, and I am scared to death.

How to talk to little girls

I just read this article from the Huffington Post.

This has also been much discussion around our house simply because we have been on the hunt for baby items, and it seems that everything tends to be gendered, or at least color-gendered. Our friends have been gracious in donating their baby stuff to us. Between purchases on Craigslist and donations, we are almost set with the basic stuff: crib, bedding, car seat, jogging stroller, outfits, etc. I am accepting any and all hand me downs whether it is "boy" or "girl." I mean, who really cares if a boy or girl sleeps on blue sheets or is wrapped in a pink blanket. I don't care, really. A sheet is a sheet is a blanket. Why do we dress baby girls in overtly "feminine" clothing? And why do most baby boy items have emblems like footballs and monsters and dark colors?

Much of my response to those who ask why I didn't want to find out the gender of our baby so soon has been somewhat of a retort to this whole gendering thing: I usually quip "I don't want to subject this child to gender-limits before it is even born." Yeah, I know, I am being a smart ass, and my closest buds and family know that, but to strangers, they seem offended by my response. Of course little girls are adorable when they wear frilly things, but why can't my girl wear a blue onesie with a baseball on it?

Bloom's article seems to suggest that simply because we address girls by noticing their clothing or looks, we are dooming them to a life of self-obsession about their looks. I disagree. I think that part of the reason so many young girls seems to be so obsessed isn't because some stranger said they looked cute. I think it is about the massive amounts of media kids are exposed to now a days. My childhood role models were the Brady Bunch kids, and they were hand-me-down rough. Hannah Montana and the likes seem to be a bit more glamourized than Jan, Marsha, and Cindy.

29 weeks

Lately I've been thinking about what if this baby is a boy. Do we circumcise? This is a question many people ponder.

First, let me say that once you begin the research, there are proponents for it and those who feel it is unnecessary. Most recent discussion is happening in San Francisco and the proposal to ban it. It's hard not to pay attention, and for me, this decision holds no religious significance. Until recently, DH and I thought we'd definitely have bebe circumcised (if it were a boy), but recently I am leaning toward not doing it. First, I have to admit that I watched some youtube videos that actually show the process: doctor and baby in a sterile room, baby screaming, clearly in pain. It's an awful awful thing to watch, and if you google the videos, you might have nightmares.

I can't imagine choosing to put my child through such pain. DH, on the other hand, quipped that he was circumcised and he is not mentally scarred. DH even said that we should do it because he remembers the few kids in his school who weren't circumcised and got teased in the locker rooms. I don't want my child teased not do I want him emotionally scarred because of a decision I made.

So I sit here, contemplating the pros and cons and wonder what the best decision is. I'd appreciate any thoughts from you all on this discussion. What are you planning to do, or what have you chosen to do in this situation? I know there is no right or wrong decision here. It is truly what's best for the family. But I just don't know.

3rd Trimester

Wednesday began week 28! I can't believe I am here. I have been waiting for this week to come since first finding out that we were pregnant via ultrasound. 28 weeks was the goal for the triplet pregnancy, but even more so now, 28 weeks means that if something was to begin, baby would have an excellent chance of surviving. I know things can still go wrong, but premature labor and birth is less about preparing for death right now. Morbid, I know, but this has been one of my secret fears.

I've begun to start planning for the birth, and by planning, I mean checking out stuff. Topic for today: labor mixtape. Are you going to prepare one? I've begun the process by organizing cool and calming songs. My birth plan included just me and the world: no drugs and hopefully no medical intervention. No drugs for sure, so I have been reading and rereading the Mongan method of Hypnobirthing. We wanted to do classes, but there are few in our area and they are all on Saturdays, which does not work for DH. Anyway, I have much practice in meditation and am hoping those skills will transfer to the birthing room.

But Mixtapes: what song or songs are a must have for the birthing process?

8 things not in the pregnancy book

1. Boobs sweat and slump: Boobs now rest on belly. This is a new thing for me since I have always had a considerable amount of room between the belly and the boobs. Now they rest comfortably on my stomach if they are not harnessed. And speaking of harnesses--boy oh boy can boobs sweat.

2. Crotch sweat: Need I say more? I am changing my undies 3 times per day because I am soaking them with sweat. Friggin nasty.

3. Crotch itch: Probably has something to do with #2, but it's not a yeast infection and only flares up in the evenings before bed. My crotch is red and sore and itchy and the only thing that helps is a shower and a clean crotch before bedtime.

4. Baby powder: necessary in pregnancy because of #1-3.

5. Sudden nausea: what's up with that? I was teaching the other morning and the room started spinning and I got super hot. I choked back airy chunks and warned my class that I might hurl. Feeling passed in 15 minutes.

6. Moles getting bigger? Skin cancer? Nope. Not really. I went to the dermatologist on Friday because several mole-like structures started looking different/growing/changing color. Doc said, "Welcome to old age, and welcome to pregnancy. Things will just start growing on your body now." Huh? Gross.

7. Breathing is not so fun anymore: Yeah yeah, I read this one in the pregnancy books, and was winded in the first trimester if I walked up a flight of stairs, etc. Now I can just be sitting there, doing nothing, and poof! I am breathing shallow breaths. Yes, baby is growing and all, but it's pretty freaky to feel like you are being suffocated a bit.

8. Leaky boob: I said boob cause only one is oozing. Does this mean I will be a one boob show for the baby?

Hope you are all well. I finally got my commenting power back, so forgive me for the commenting absence. Countdown on the bog says 88 days and I am starting to get nervous. Last night I unloaded on hubs, somthing about making sure we cherish the next 88 days because it is the last time it will just be me and him, and that I will miss that part of our life.

blogger is sucking it right now

I can't comment on any blogs right now. Blogger is screwing up. If you posted in the last few days, I'm reading and listening and will comment as soon as blogger stops this madness!!

24 Weeks?!

Today I opened my email and babybump reminded me that we are 24 weeks along. Holy crappola, I say. I can't even believe the time has doubled since I saw the little survivor bean in the ultrasound. I am so incredibly lucky to be here right now. I still can't believe it. Bebe's been quite busy bouncing around the belly. Bebe must be getting big because I can see movement about an inch or so above my belly button and all the way down at the same time. Kicking and punching, I suppose.

I am on my break right now, but the break has been busy. We are furiously working on renovating the back room to make it a master suite. Floors are being installed as I write this. The coats of polyurethane are being applied next weekend, so DH and I are skipping town to escape from the fumes. I am not quite sure where we will go since the Mississippi River flooding is screwing up all the cute places we like to go in Louisiana and Mississippi. We wanted to do a Delta Blues tour, but the poor Delta is screwed right now. It's tough to do all this research to find a dog friendly B&B, but I'm on it.

I decided that at 24 weeks, I was going to stop running, even if I get the urge. I am peeing a lot (or at least feeling the urge to pee a whole lot more), so my thoughts are that the baby is big now, and I don't want any premature labor happening because of the running.

Happy Wednesday to you all.

update and miscellany

Just thought I'd offer up an update since I've been a bad blogger. In bulletpoints for brevity:
--I think I am finally feeling the baby move. All these blogs and everyone discussing their baby's movement made me feel like a doof for not knowing/feeling it. But now I am pretty sure since the bubbly, popping sensation in my belly area is not followed by any noxious odors or loud sounds from my bottom end.
--I was sick to no end from mornng sickness, and no matter what I read or what remedies people offered me, nothing worked. Now as far as this heartburn issue goes, I have found the cure and it's better than popping tums all day (which doesn't work, btw): green apples! A friend of my hubs has acid reflux, and he swears by eating granny smith apples to cure the heartburn. I've been eating them about 2-3 times a day and have had NO heartburn since. Miracle!
--I've gained 10 pounds total so far and I am 21 weeks on Wednesday. Is that enough? I hope so. I'm definitely showing, but maternity pants are too big still, so I am relying on the bella band to hold up the ones I that are still working.
--boobs! I've got boobs! I tried to explain this feeling I am having about my body to my husband, and the only thing I could say is that these boobs aren't mine. I told him to imagine that his penis doubled or tripled in size and stayed that way for a few months. This is a new experience for me since I have always been a tiny 32b. Now they touch my belly when I sit, and I am wearing sweet strapless cute dresses! Yomma!
--exercise: still walking on a regular basis. I've kinda been doing some jogging segments in the midst of walking. I can't help it! I miss running so much, but I stop as soon as I feel weird. What is weird is that sometimes I feel pressure on my bladder so I stop.
--sex: we tried it last night for the first time in a while. I hope it gets better. I think we are both scared something bad will happen, so the actual act is awkward.
--Two weeks from tomorrow I am on vacation for a few weeks until the summer session begins. I can't wait!

Blogger friend in need of support

Hey all..if you can, please stop by Joyous Birdie . She is in need of some comments and support. After finally getting pregnant with donor eggs, she's received some bad news around 19 weeks of pregnancy. Virtual hugs and prayers are needed.

Infertility in the Media

Hey all--I want to alert you to one of my favorite publications, and a bit of a write up on Infertilty blogs. The spring issue of Bitch magazine is out, and on p. 35, it discusses infertitility blogs, metioning of course Stirrip Queens. Bitch magazine can be found here. Go subscribe.

Back from the ultrasound

Everything looks fine. Bebe's OK, and the MFM doc said the quad screen was of no use because of this pregnancy's circumstances. Here's an example of the patient knowing more than the doc. I guess it is not up to the OB to know all this stuff, but still, it caused a bit of unnecessary worry.

The excellent news is I got to see the bebe! Measuring perfect and totally adorable. We left with some awesome shots, and one looks just like DH from the profile, cheeks and all. I love it!

I did break down like a ninny during the scan. The tech spent what seemed like minutes looking at the two that died, and I got very very sad. I didn't expect to see them. I figured they'd be the "paper babies" that the other doc said they would be. Nope. They were still there, floating around, at the last size they were when they died. It was very sad. The MFM doc said I might see them when I deliver, but they'd be hard to distinguish. If they come out and I can, I would like a proper burial of them, not just tossed in some medical waste.

So, I am not going to do amnio at this point. The doc saw nothing to suggest any visible abnormalities, so we are living with the normal percentage that something could be wrong. I can handle that.

Alright, now I am off to take a much needed nap. Thanks for following along on this journey with me.

Scan tomorrow

I went to bed last night feeling calmer about the whole situation. A fellow blogger was kind enough to consult Dr. Google, and she found an article that might be related to my situation, and yes, two dead fetuses can contribute to a high AF.P level.

Nevertheless, the gods were good to me. I got a call from the MFM place and they moved me to tomorrow at 1:00pm for the scan. I had to cancel two classes, and DH will have to leave work for a bit, but we'll be there for 1:00 and will hopefully get some answers.

I used the baby doppler about 3 times yesterday. I was a bit of a wreck when I got home yesterday afternoon, so hearing the beating heart kept reassuring me that this little bebe is ours no matter what. My pup was also right at my heels yesterday, comforting me. I know it may sound strange, but I swear this dog just gets me.

Normal my F$#*&% ass

I did not want this fucking quad screen because of this very thing: my doctor called this morning and left me three messages--one on my cell, one at home, and one at work! Turns out the AF.P levels are high, but all the rest are fine. FUCK! Inside I have a feeling that these levels are high because I had three fetuses growing. I have googled the piss out of it, and all I can confirm is that in twin, triplet, and quad pregnancies, AF.P levels ARE higher because of the multiple fetus thing. However, Dr. Google has no information about whether or not two dead fetuses plus one live one =equals= high AF.P. FUCK! Of course I can't get the MFM anatomy scan any sooner than next Thursday. FUCK. You know, I don't think I am strong enough to take this right now. Oh, high AFP levels usually detect neural tube defects. FUCK!

reporting from normal-ville

• Not much to report here. I reach the 18 week mark Wednesday, which is pretty exciting. I am starting to look pregnant now. I've gained a total of 8 pounds, which the doc says is normal. I did go shopping at one of the major maternity stores, and when I tried on the 7 month belly, I freaked out. Seeing myself in the mirror was quite shocking. I think it must have been just the vision of me pregnant that shocked me most. Sometimes I still can't believe it's happening.

• I go for my anatomy scan ultrasound next week. I am excited to see the bebe again, although I hope and pray there are no revealing shots shown to me, as I do not wish to know the sex of the baby. My doc took blood from me last week at my appointment to do a quad screen, which I told her I was told the results wouldn't be accurate since this started as a triplet pregnancy. She seemed confused about this, but I still gave blood. She also seemed to think I should get an amnio. I don't want one. I think my uterus has been through enough in the past 18 weeks; let's just give it a rest until it has to do its thing in August or September. I don't want some doc poking a hole in it right now. Other than being 36, there are no mitigating factors that would suggest I get one.

• I've got 4 weeks of classes left, then a small break before summer school. I am teaching this summer. I thought I might take it off, and I would have for sure if there were still 3, but since I am "normal," I might as well work this summer. The extra money is nice anyway. However, I got my schedule for the fall, and it was weird to think that I will open the semester, teach a few weeks, give birth, then someone will take over my teaching load until I return (2 weeks? 4 weeks? 6 weeks? whatever). I do not get maternity leave per se, but I can take my sick time and get paid while using FMLA. I know some companies and states have their own laws, but I work for the state, a pretty poor state, and there is no mandated maternity leave for teachers. What is the best state to get pregnant and/or have a baby? I am curious to know.

• I am very fortunate that both DH and I have jobs that are flexible in our schedules. According to our plans, we will not need daycare, and this child will be parented by one of us full-time. Is it possible to be a stay-at-home unit when both parents work? I think it is. Because, what does it mean to be stay at home? Here's our plan:

I am out of the house from 7-12 MWF and 8-10 T/H to teach and do office hours, and DH parents the child. I get home and he goes to work: he'll work his hours ( he's the boss/chef at a restaurant) when it's best. I know this is all plans on paper, but it looks pretty awesome. We'll see how the plan is played out.

My baby's got the beat

Let me just begin by telling you that this crazy "normal" infertile decided to spend the $19 per month to get the fetal doppler from baby beat. I haven't been too nutso with it since I got it, but it completely comforts me to hear the lovely sound every once in a while. I stopped puking, so then I started freaking out that I lost it, etc. Duh, I know.

My next big appointment is April 14 for the anatomy scan ultrasound. I will be 19 weeks by then (yikes!!!). We do not want to know the sex, so hopefully there will be no revealing pictures or idiot techs that accidentally tell us.

I told a few more people this weekend at a bridal party/bachelorette-ish gathering Friday night. I didn't say anything until the end, and I am surprised that no one asked since I was on the water train all night long. These gals were happy for us and for me, and you know what, I am beginning to allow myself to be happier about this. I am still silently frightened this will all go away, and I hope that feeling fades away soon.

2nd Trimester

I think I am officially in the 2nd trimester now. Wednesday will be 14 weeks, and at my first OB appointment last Thursday, she said, "You're just a normal pregnant woman now."

Inspite of all this IF
Inspite of all this IVF
Inspite of all these surprises

I got to hear the baby's heartbeat, but I was expecting an US. The doctor (who I love and has been my OB for 3 years) runs a solo practice, and she does not have a fancy schmancy office. In fact, she has 4 chairs in the waiting room. Yup. No big practicing clinic here, and that has both good and bad. The good is that I have never waited for an appointment. If I am scheduled at 3:00, I get in a 3:00. She is also 100 percent going to be the one delivering the bebe, which is comforting to know that she is my one and only.

The downsides of this is that she does not have all the crazy new technology that other docs have. For my 18 week US, I will go see a MFM who will do the body scan, not her. Also, she does not allow water births, which was something I really wanted to do. She is all for the au natural, but there are limits. When I got home from the appointment, I google searched local docs who are water birth friendly, and they all have the crazy large many doctor practicing office, and the message boards postings complained about how long they always have to wait to be seen. My idea of a water birth can take a back seat for this baby. I hate waiting rooms!!!

So basically, I go see her again in 4 weeks. 4 weeks! She told me that I have to wean myself from ultrasounds now that I am "normal." I did get to hear the hearbeat on the doppler, and now I think I might go out and buy a doppler for home. I dunno.

So, yeah. That's all. I guess this is what it must be like to be a normal fertile, where babymaking and all that jazz is just a regular thing. I am going to have to wean myself from myself and just learn to chill.

We started telling people, and people are excited. It has mostly been close friends and family. I still can't quite figure out how to tell others. This whole experience with IF and IVF has been such a private struggle, it seems fitting that the pregnancy be the same, too. I am afraid to tell people. Is that weird? I was a closer IFer; does that mean I will be a closet pregger?

Still throwing up in the morning, although it isn't the deep hurl anymore. It's more of a surface puke, like top of the stomach. For the most part, all my vomiting sessions have been pretty awful. I puke this enormous amount of blah and I am even peeing my pants when I do. I know, TMI, but nobody ever said I'd pee myself when I puke from morning sickness. Someone, please tell me that has happened to you? I confided in a friend and she muttered something about my kegels. Ahem, my kegels are strong, so that's not it. Well, at least that seems to have stopped.

Alrighty then. This post is sufficiently long enough.

Crinone anyone?

I wanted to share this link with you. A fellow blogger and future mother has a gift for whomever is in need. Pease see her here.

One beautiful baby karate kicking

This was the result of my appointment with a MFM doc: "You don't need to see us again."

I have one beautiful baby measuring ahead of schedule by about 3 days at 12w2d. The twins died, and based on their size, but it was hard for him to tell since the lab reports from the RE had two different measurements and he didn't know which was B or C.

I asked why I didn't bleed or anything, and he said that the body just absorbs it. I find that very interesting.

I made an appointment with my regular OB for a week from Friday.

So, I am pregnant, officially and truly pregnant, and I am happy. The baby has a bladder, a strong heartbeat that I got to hear, legs, arms, and the nuchal fold was 1.12 mm, which is good and puts me in the low risk category.

Ladies, I am pregnant!

No clear answers yet

I want to thank you all for your supportive comments during this rough time. My pregnancy happiness and surprise became overshadowed by the results of the 8 week ultrasound. At that US, one twin was bigger than the other (by almost a week), and they share the same sac and placenta. I think the term is monoamniotic, which is bad bad. The heartbeats for both twins were low for an 8 week ultrasound. The singleton seemed to be right on track, though.

I am extremely thankful for getting pregnant, and much like any infertile, extremely terrified about losing it all. I was fortunate to have both embryos implant on my first IVF try, and surprised, shocked, and elated to find out that two actually meant three.

But since this is all out of my control, I chose to let things just be. I have my first maternal fetal appointment next Tuesday. I will be 12 weeks then. I will find out what's going on with the babies, if they are all surviving inside my crazy body, and what the next trimester looks like for me. This has been an extremely hard 3 weeks for DH and me, but it has been a test of patience, love, and letting go.

I am pretty sure I am still pregnant, though. I have a pretty awful puking session every morning, and I am tired and hungry all the time, so that's good. I've gained maybe 4 pounds, and I am not really showing. I think I am still preggo, but based on the slight change in my body, I am thinking it isn't with 3 anymore.

I'll post some more when I have news next week. Thanks for sticking by me.

In hiding, will return soon

I am having a bit of a hard time with this whole pregnancy thing. I am planning to disappear from here for a bit (no posting, but I plan to read blogs on occasion). I am pretty much feeling like crap with morning sickness and nerves. Heartbeats are good and bad. I just need to step back for a minute and hold my breath until week 12 or 13 when I am feeling safe. It's too much for me right now. Thanks for understanding. I just gotta put down the computer, stay off google, and quit stressing.

ICLW Post

Welcome ICLW people. I am newly preggo (7w3d) with triplets via IVF: one singleton and one set of identical twins. My DH and I have been ttc for over 3 years (or has it been 4?) so we are very excited to have had success with our very first IVF try, although we are still a bit freaked out about what will be with the three.

And I must say, Crinone sucks! It's easier than PIO shotss, but absolute YUK!

Thanks for stopping by.

checking in at 7w2d

I just wanted to check in to say thank you to all of you for your lovely words of support and encouragement. I really really needed it.

For the last week, I've been pregnancy sick. Friday and Saturday I was pretty ill, but I think it was mostly because of the fear/worrying kind of sick. I think I cried every 15 minutes both days. I threw up Monday and today. Nice. For some reason, I felt pretty good yesterday, but this morning and all day, forget about it. I get these sudden, violent hunger pains and it just sets me off into sickville. I am trying almonds right now; I heard they have magical effect on morning sickness.

Ok, totally boring post. I promise to be more lively tomorrow.

After the fog comes lots of crying

So here's how it all went down. I went back to give blood and then I got to the US room and asked if DH could come. Of course, they all say. So I get naked from the waist down and he comes into the room. I introduce him to dildocam, and his eyes get very big. He makes some inappropriate joke and we laugh.

The US tech comes in and says, "Let's see those heartbeats." Immediately we see both sacs and I can see one flicker in each. DH squeezes my hand and I say, "Look! there they are!" The US tech confirms this and I look away from the screen at my lovely husband. We catch each other's eyes and smile and that moment felt frozen and peaceful until the US tech then says,

"And there's the third."

My head WHIPS around at the screen and I said "What?" I am shaking right now as I recollect this story. I began shaking, shivering uncontrollably and tears streamed out of my eyes. I looked at DH then looked right back at the screen. I looked at the tech and I am sure she sensed our fear, because fear was exactly what we were feeling. She immediately began saying that it was early and this doesn't mean much yet. Y'all, three is a blessing and a surprise, but it is terrifying, especially when two was something we were just getting out hearts around. Please don't judge my reaction just yet.

The rest of the US was a complete blur. I remember hearing that all three heartbeats were between 109-115, which is good and strong for right now. The identical twins are very far away from each other but we didn't see a membrane that separates them yet. I was told this membrane is important so that there are less complications with their gestation.

Time passed and I was dressed and back in the waiting room. I was scheduled to see the doctor but I just wanted to get the hell out of there and cry and deal with this privately. I waited for 10 minutes then went to the receptionist and asked if I should just come back later. They immediately whisked us back to the office where I was weighed and my blood pressure was taken. Then we met with Dr. S who came in and I think followed our lead. I was tearing up and I asked her "How did this happen? What were the chances?" She said something like 1-4% of the embryo splitting.

I immediately then asked "Does this mean they will be born too early and very sick?" and then I started bawling. I could give a shit about my body and what I am about to go through. I just can't imagine how terrible I must be to have done this IVF shit only to now be giving birth to sick babies? How terrible am I? What selfish person does? This was all that I was thinking from the waiting room to the doctor's consult. She assured us that triplet and twin pregnancies are actually quite similar in terms of success and healthy babies. She mentioned if we wanted to do reduction, we'd have to travel out of state and she has the name of someone we can consult with.

This is NOT an option for us.

We left and paid and got in the car and drove where I cried an freaked out on DH, even telling him it was his fault since he wanted to transfer 2 and I said 1. I can't begin to tell you the scenarios I dreamed up in my head about how gloomy this result was for us. I even said I regretted ever doing IVF.

I said all this because I was scared. Can my body do this to 32-33 weeks to ensure healthy babies?

Then we went to an appliance store and bought a fridge. ha! We needed a new fridge and there's nothing that retail therapy can't cure.

I got home and went straight to bed and napped. When I woke, I told DH that we can do this. We can totally do this. I can do this. My body can do this.

Then I went back to bed and rested some more. And cried a bit, too.

Three heartbeats...

One set of identical and one single.

I'll post more when I come out of this fog.

A little bit of crazy here...

Wow. That's about all I can say as far as my moods. Today I could barely stand myself, and yesterday I was watching the end of the Today Show and they had on that guy from Cleveland who was homeless and was offered a job. Anyway, I was watching that very raw, very real interview and started bawling. Not crying. Not tears, but faucets and heaves crying. WTF is wrong with me? Geez...

On the preggo side of things, I had my first dry heave in the shower this morning. Yipee! I am a little restless because the doc says to not overdo it and exercise yet. I can walk, but she wants to see heartbeats before she approves me to do anything. I understand, but at the same time, I use running and hearty yoga to relieve stress. This whole time right now is stressful. What's a girl to do?

As soon as I could, I ran out and bought Origins: How the Nine Months before Birth Shape the Rest of our Lives by Annie Murphy Paul. I am almost half way through with it, and I admit that it is pretty good. The writer is a professional writer for medical journals, so the writing itself is a bit cerebral, but the info is good. Much of what it all boils down to is that nobody really knows, but there are some clues that say this or that can be good/helpful and that this or that might be better avoided. The one thing I have taken from it and other sources is the importance of DHA. I have stopped eating fish for right now. I found this supplement in Whole Foods. Spectrum makes a DHA vegetarian, which is made from algae rather than fish. In addition, we are getting a shipment of sardines in from DH's work next week. I'm not sure how well I will handle them, but I am sure going to try my hardest.

Two sacs!

Just got back from the RE, and we saw two sacs: one measuring 5 weeks and 0 days, the other measuring 5 weeks and 1-2 days. My beta is over 6000, and the RE says all is looking good. I go in for the heartbeat US next friday, January 14. Yeah