Peeing on sticks and other final thoughts for 2010

Thanks to you all for your good wishes and congrats! I so appreciate having you in my life! HUGS!

Now, when will I stop taking pregnancy tests? I have about 25 left and I keep testing.

Anyway, my next appointment for all this is Wednesday. I will have an US and bloodwork. I will officially be 5 weeks preggo then. I asked the nurse if DH should come to the appointment, and she said fine but it wasn't like we'd see much. Hmmm...then what exactly will I see at 5 weeks? I've been googling it as it seems like I might see the sac(s) but not heartbeats.

I think DH is still a little bit in shock. I made the mistake of mentioning that these beta numbers might be twins or triplets (gulp--one blast splitting! yes! It can happen) and he's a bit freaked out. He's just scared to be alone with one, so thinking about more than one is a but daunting. I've had a few moments of flash-freakout when I think about multiples, but overall I am just so darn happy.

I haven't felt any "symptoms." After Wednesday's US, I had some itty bitty brown spots here and there. No cramps, no bleeding, a bit more peeing (but that's been the case since the retrieval), kinda sore boobies, and a tad bit bitchier. We went out to lunch Tuesday with an older couple (60s) who are our friends/old neighbors. They party like they are 21!. Anyway, the dude likes to talk and talk, and for some reason, I had the urge to reach across the table and strangle him. He was getting on my last nerve. I ususally can put up with it. He's just a talker, and I accept it. But not Tuesday.

I spent the last couple of hours doing some last minute accounting and mileage calculations for my medical expense spreadsheet. The total amount we spent for 2010 on weekly acupuncture, IUIs, IVF, and meds is over $22,000. Double gulp! IF sucks, yes it does.

Happy New Year!

Beta #2

Beta #1 7dp5dt= 197

Beta #2 9dp5dt= 438

Um, yeah, that's a tall number. So what am I, officially 4 weeks preggo?

Oh, and the blood flow US was great according to the tech who performed it. I am just waiting for the nurse to call back after she speaks with Dr. S. I asked why my progesterone was so high (it is actually 15000) and the nurse said it is because of the PIO shots. Hmmm...if it doesn't need to be that high, do I need to keep taking it?

Ah! Yipee!

Holy crap it worked

7dp5dt:

Beta 197
Progesterone 12,000 (can that be right??)
E2 435


Holy crap! Wednesday is another beta and a blood flow ultrasound.

Holy Crap! I am pregnant!

Five days post transfer

Here is the star of the show (one of them!)

I tested again a few minutes ago, and got a much darker line. From this pic, you can't really see the lines on the 3 and 4 day tests, but they are there.

DH says he'll be convinced once the blood test is taken. I, on the other hand, am celebrating this now. It's gotta be real!

Merry Christmas, y'all!

confessions

Forgive me gals, but I did the duty...

I POAS yesterday, 3dp5dt--light light positive (internet cheapies)
I POAS today, just now, 4dp5dt--light light positive (internet cheapies)

I said I wouldn't do it but I did.

I have hope, although I know it might be residual hcg shot. I don't care. I have hope!

Merry Christmas to my IF sisters!

And yes, I am POAS tomorrow, too.

All knocked up!

At 9:45am, Dr. S placed 2 A plus blastocysts in my lovely uterus! She apologized profusely for having no one call on Satuday. It looks like we are freezing 4 blasts today and have 3 more at the morula stage that may get frozen today or tomorrow. Yes. You heard that right. 9 made it to day 5! I can't even believe how fortunate I am to have that many embryos to freeze. At my age and with only 11 eggs retrieved, I feel so lucky.

So now I am laying around in bed, thinking implantation thoughts.

What a truly joyful day. I'll post the pic of the little one as soon as I am back on my feet.

hugs to you all!

Some thoughts (bad title, I know!)

I am thinking that maybe it is better I know absolutely nothing about my embryo status. All I know is that 10 fertilized, and that info came to me Thursday. I will just show up tomorrow, ready with my water bottle and my loose legs, wait for my Valium and spread eagle for the doc.

I am completely detached from this whole process. I mean, it really feels like nothing has happened and nothing more will. This is good. I am a control freak about a lot of stuff, so just not knowing and knowing that I won't know...uhh...I'm confusing myself. You get the picture.

DH and I had a little discussion about how many embies to put back. Again, weird discussion because we have no idea how they are (grade, number, etc), so the conversation went pretty much no where. I guess we'll just cross that bridge when we get there.

I finished my Xmas shopping and wrapped all presents about 5 minutes ago!

I feel almost 100 percent normal. I still have weird pelvic pressure/aches when I push on my uterus area. My upper butt cheeks are a tad bit sore from the progesterone shots, but other than that, I think the shots are worse for DH than me. I plan to head to yoga tonight at 6:00 for my final power class until the baby is born (see--more positive thoughts here!). I will miss it. I did a light practice yesterday evening at home and all the twists and squeezes felt fine, so I am going to push it a bit more tonight. I've also lost all the IVF weight I gained (about 5 pounds), so yeah, I am back to normal. Tomorrow, 9:00am, I get knocked up. How cool.

Hello...I am waiting...(updated)

I said I wasn't going to obsess, but come on already. They said they'd call before noon, and it is 12:29pm and still I am waiting for the day 3 embryo report. Does this mean it's bad news and they're waiting for the RE to get the info to call me? I feel like a 14-year-old here, staring at the phone, waiting for a boy to call.

****
It's now almost 6:00pm, and the clinic never called. Hmmm...tomorrow is Sunday, and I think they monitor on Sundays, so I'll call or drive on over and see. I don't know. Maybe they don't plan to check the embies until Monday's transfer. I dunno. Oh well.

Monday Monday Monday

This morning I went for a blood flow ultrasound, something I hadn't heard of before here on the blogs. They basically do an internal ultrasound with me laying down and then standing up (yes, dildo cam inside of me with the tech holding it between my legs as I stood up---weird weird) and measure the blood flow to my lady parts and uterus. All looked not just good, but great according to the RE. I also had blood drawn to check my E2 and progesterone and again, all is good. So they went ahead and scheduled me for the transfer Monday at 9:00. I have to be there at 8:00 (why, I ask you?) with an empty bladder. After I check in, then I begin filling my bladder for the 9:00 transfer. I am impressed (or something like that) that they are confident about my embryos to just schedule the transfer without looking at them again. I will still get a call tomorrow with their status update, so I'll post more then.

I had my acupuncture appointment today after my RE appointment. I was hoping to be stuck and stabbed in places to help speed up a bowel movement (yes, I haven't had one since Wednesday night!!) but no luck. I am super constipated, probably from the progesterone. Ugh. And the nurse said that I am probably not sleeping because of the Medrol (prednisone). Nice. I have 2 more nights of sleeplessness to look forward to. Yes, I tossed and turned all night and peed every hour. As much as it sounds like I am complaining, I am actually pretty OK with it all. I just want to document this whole experience so I know what to expect for my 5 future successful FETs (yes, that means 6 kids, y'all). I am feeling positive :)

TEN!! Ten is the new number!

Just got off the phone with the nurse at the RE's office. 10 fertilized, and they look good.

I worked myself into a tizzy all day waiting for this call. I am so happy I can't stop crying. I don't think I've happy-cried in a long time. I know there is a long way to go, but this is so so good.

They won't call tomorrow (they won't even check on them!), but they'll give 'em a good look Saturday (day 3) and call with an update.

Oh, and here's a weird/interesting story. I barely slept last night because I was peeing every 30 minutes. Yup, full bladder peeing every half hour or so. Around 5 am it was every hour. WTF? Anyone else experience that? Was I that bloated?

Oh, and my boobies are super! I am tiny (32B) and right now they are so lovely and perky and round!!! Ah, hormones!!!

I am just thrilled right now.

11 is the number

Our retrieval was this morning at 7:30am, and the beautiful number is 11! I feel great, and all is well here. I'll keep you posted when I get the fertilization report tomorrow.

Yeah, Eleven!

Trigger tonight!!

It's finally here! I am waiting for the RE to call back with a time for Wednesday am's retrieval, but it looks like the ovaries kicked it up a bit. I am super happy about the news.

My virgin-IVF self is super excited! I'll post when I find out the final eggie count.

I'm all smiles!!!

Saturday morning at the hip clinic

Today was my morning appointment, and it was less hip than last week. No super clubbing hotties in the waiting room. Just a few scared looking dudes (seriously, I felt so bad for them. The were looking around most of the time with a freaked out look in their faces).

Going into this appointment, I decided I was NOT going to care/think about follie count. However, US tech was extra chipper in interpreting my results. She said, "Looks like you've got 7 good follies!" and I thought, "Shut the hell up!" ha!

Whatever they are, I do not care. My RE dropped my Follistim/Bravelle/Gonal to 150 tonight and 75 tomorrow night. I continue with my Menopur 225 tonight and tomorrow, and add Ganirelex both nights. I go in again Monday for what should be my final US and BW. I think I am triggering Monday night for a Wednesday retrieval.

I can't believe it's almost over. I still feel very little in my ovary region. My left side (the one kicking out the most follies) tugs a bit here and there, but mostly I feel like I am about to get AF or that I have to have a bowel movement. Neither one, of course, is going to happen. I am super regular with this TCM business, so these feelings must be the ovaries. I felt a shit ton worse with clomid/menopur with my IUIs.

I am happy to make enough good and healthy follies for good and healthy eggs, whatever that number is. I'll find out Wednesday, and that's all I can do.

My Slovaries

WTF dear ovaries? Why are you taking so long to grow our eggs?

I've been demoted to 10 follies: two at 14mm, four at 13mm, one at 11mm, two at 10mm, and one at 9mm.

WTF? Now the RE is thinking that we are looking at Wednesday for retrieval.

My acupuncturist yesterday said my pulses are weak and deep, suggesting something internal happening. Duh, no shit. Then she asked if I was eating "cleanly." Yes, I am eating very cleanly, and clearly it's not working.

So now I just opened a bag of popchips (bbq flavor) and a can of soda. Clean eating is clearly not working, so I'm going to be dirty today.

Why am I so angry? Because, once again, my body is not participating in this whole IVF business like she should. grrrrrr

14 and counting

Follie check shows 14 follies now. They've grown just a bit. I've now got 7 on both sides. I am still scheduled to take 225 Follistim and 225 Menopur. My protocol changed because I am working with free meds, so adios to Bravelle and hello to Follistim. I also have gonal-f next, so we'll see if I end up opening that pen.
I feel good, I mean, no ovary pains or anything. Oh, and I skipped yoga last night because I started watching the little couple (reruns I think), and the episodes were about IF. I couldn't pull myself away.

on the 6th days of meds, my RE said to me

Time to order more Menopur! Yup. You know, I started with a mountain of meds, and now I am down to 4 vials of menopur plus the gonal-f pen the clinic gave me and the follistim pen the clinic gave me. I shouldn't complain. It looks like I won't be buying more Bravelle or gonal or follistim, but hell--12 more vials of menopur and that will be another $860. Ouch! Each time I've been shooting up, I think "This injection is worth $400," and then I say "Cheers!" before I stab myself. Really, this is my Vegas. I'd never toss around money like this. (((sigh)))

Sunday I attended one of the most thrilling yoga workshops! I haven't stopped smiling since, and I am planning to shoot up and head to the 8:00pm class tonight. I feel fine. My ovaries aren't kickin' out any pains, so why not? I can still exercise, right? I've googled the piss out of it all day, and my google-ball tells me that it is OK.

Oh, and I celebrated my last day of the semester with NO champagne. I told my coworkers I was getting sick, then proceeded to cough a few fake coughs.

Tomorrow is more monitoring in the am. I'll post more then.

A hot dozen

Today's US showed I have a dozen happy follicles growing! Well, actually the number is 13, but they aren't counting the 15mm cyst that hasn't grown since day 1. Phew! So, my left side has 5: one 9mm, two 7mm, and two 5mm. My right has 7: two 7mm, four 6mm, and one 4mm. Nurse says this looks good, so we are waiting to see the results of my bloodwork to determine tonight and tomorrow's meds. I am scheduled to go in Wednesday for more look-sees.

What is the target number of follies I want or need anyway?

I don't know what to title this as...

Lots today. First, I had my BW this morning. RE says to stay with the 225 of Bravelle and 225 of Menopur. I go back Monday for BW and US. At this rate, I'll be out of Bravelle by Monday and Menopur by Tuesday! Yikes. I plowed throught that free shit!!!

Also, I am using a total of 6 vials of power medicine but only one cc of liquid. By the time I get the powers mixed with the powders, my 1 cc of total liquid is more like .8cc. I asked the nurse about it and she didn't seem concerned. I have been using the q-caps, but tonight I am going to try sucking it up with the needle.

Now, let's discuss this 7:45 AM Saturday morning waiting room. I hope I don't sound too bitchy, but it felt like a sorority party in there! Seriously, I am not exaggerating, but it seemed as though each woman in that room (and there were 8) knew each other and were discussing their Clomid/follicles/weekend. And they all looked like they were dressed for a lunch date, all skinny jeans and boots and cute purses and sweaters. And there I was, hair in a bun, relax-y pants, sports bra, tired, reading a 2009 magazine. Am I not the IVF/IUI type? Am I supposed to get dolled up and bring my latte in during the early morning monitoring appointments? Do these women know each other through the clinic? Are they all neighbors who decided they were going to get knocked up for xmas? What is the protocol? This is not the same RE office I go to in the afternoon. The afternoons are filled with silence and sadness.

On another note, I got AF yesterday, but today is filled with minor irritating cramps and medium flow.

It's on!

I was a bit nervous. They had me waiting until the lab results came back. I saw that big ol follie/cyst on my ovary, but it turns out I'm OK to go. I've only got 5 follies growing. Normally when I was monitored for IUI I had at least 7 at the beginning. Those cycles I went in on day 3, though. Today is only day 2. Hmm.. I asked the RE if we should wait. She said, "Wait for what?" And that basically there's no such thing as a perfect cycle. We can wait a month, but maybe next month something else might come up. She knows this is it for us. She knows that this $10,850 I paid today wiped us out. This is it. She also said we can cancel the IVF and switch to the cheaper IUI if necessary. Then she said she wants me to get pregnant more than I probably do. I bet she says that to all her patients. Nevertheless, I liked hearing that.

My labs results:
E2--32
LH--2.1
FSH--1.9
Progesterone--52

FSH seems really really low, but I guess it's all good. Hmmm..

My protocol is 225 of Menopur and 225 of Bravelle tonight and tomorrow night. I go in for bloodwork on Saturday to see how the dosing is working on my body. Happy stabbing to me!

I can't believe I'm finally here!

'twas the night before my first monitoring appointment for IVF

Yup. If you would have asked me last year if I'd be doing IVF, I'd have said no, mostly because I had no idea what IF had in store for me. In addition, I never thought we'd find money to pay for it. I never believed having children would be this important for DH, and I am extremely lucky to feel closer to DH because of IF. I know; kinda cheesy, but true.

I took my last BC pill yesterday, so today is day 1. I go in for monitoring tomorrow. I can't imagine not being "ready" since I've been on the pill. I hope my ovaries look good (no cysts, please), and my bloodwork is fine. If it is, I start shooting up tomorrow night.

Today was also the first day of no caffeine. And I also made some tasty black bean, squash, zucchini, shitake, and leek tacos, food that my acupuncturist recommends to nourish my qi. And I am drinking my last cold drink, my beloved whole.foods soda water. I am not supposed to be cold or drink or eat anything cool or cold. Only warm or room temperature. Bottoms up!

On a very solemn note, please stop by Gurlee's blog when you can. Her loss right now is hitting me extra hard, and she needs all the love she can get right now during her difficult time. XOXOXO

Thyroid WTF and then some

I had my endocrinologist appointment this past Wednesday and she basically told me my TSH was perfect. Nevertheless, she ordered bloodwork to be sent out for a full screen. I felt a bit neurotic when I spoke to her. She asked if I was referred to her by my RE and I said no, that I was here based on the fact my brother has Graves disease (hyper) and on an anecdote about TSH and fertility. I'll get the results in a week or so. I'll post when I know more.

On a side note, I go in next Thursday for BW and US to begin IVF. To tell you the truth, I am a bit scared. I'm having second thoughts and I am afraid to actually write/say it. A part of me likes being childless. I can do what I want when I want, blah blah blah. I am also a bit terrified of having multiples. I know that is silly. When I actually analyze these feelings, I come to the conclusion that I just have enjoyed my life. I'm 35, turning 36 next week. I've got it good right now. DH and I are great partners. Will we be great parents and partners?

Of course I want to have a family, and yes, I want to be a parent. Am I the only IF pre-IVFer with cold feet?

Thyroid WTFWTF part 3

Since I am such a good patient to myself, I went ahead and called to ask for copies of the blood work from my regular OB and the RE so I can give those to the endocrinologist I am seeing next Wednesday. However, when I picked up the lab tests from the RE, the results were NOT 2.3 for tsh but were 1.71. So, everyone together now, WTF?

No, I didn't misunderstand the nurse when she called yesterday and told me 2.3. I wrote as she talked. 2.3 is not 1.71.

Also, I got the result of the prolactin test and it is 14.6.

So who knows what's what. I know I should call and ask WTF, but I am seriously over it. I have spent a good deal of time thinking about this whole situation. I'm just going to proceed with the endocrinologist appointment next week and hopefully someone can tell me WTF.

Thyroid WTF part 2

My TSH today came back at 2.3, so the RE says it's fine. I don't know what to think. I made an appointment to see an endocrinologist next week on Wednesday. Fellow blogger and success story, Kari, gave me some advice that I think I am going to take. She said to go with my gut, and like her, I plan to have someone monitor my thyroid on a regular basis.

Official IVF schedule:

BC pills: today through November 30
CD2 bloodwork and US, and start injections: December 2

Yippee!

I am not really looking forward to all the shots, but at least those are not going to be as difficult as the progesterone shots which are in the muscle with long needles! Yikes! Those shots begin after transfer. Oh lordy. I am going to be bruised!

Thyroid WTF?

I should know better...

So I called the RE yesterday to announce the return of AF as directed, and I was told that they needed more of my blood because they didn't have any Thyroid results. I told them that yes, they did have those results because my regular OB gave me a flood of tests a few weeks back, and tsh was in it. I was told by OB all was normal, and gave the RE office results. Well, turns out that 3.2 is high for the RE and they want to retest me. I go in Wednesday AM for another blood test. The IVF nurse was just lovely explaining the details and why, but here is where I am lost. Why wasn't this test done before I even started doing IUI? And I know that .5-5.0 is considered normal, so why is 3.2 considered high for fertility treatments? I've read hundreds of blogs about you ladies and your thyroid issues, but I can't remember who's done what and how high, etc. Any thyroid thoughts out there? Is this something I should worry my tushie off about for the next 72 hours?

Here is my other issue. I always feel pushy for asking questions about things I hear on blogs and dr. google. In fact, one of my questions for my RE during the IVF consult was if she thought I should have a d&c before IVF because I read that this actually helps promote implantation. Yes, I actually read a scholarly medical journal linked from a google website. Dr. S, my RE, looked at me like WTF? She said she did not know of anything like that, and immediately I felt as though I was out of place and wrong. She even cautioned against having acupuncture after the transfer because she saw studies that said it was bad. What studies are those? All I have read is that acupuncture can't hurt.

So here---we all need to make a checklist for newly christened IF patients. You know, the questions one MUST ask, such as How's my thyroid? Why do I feel like a villian when I ask questions, and why do I feel like a jackass when I don't?

CD1, the appetizer cycle

AF finally arrived today. I am super happy because this means I can begin BC pills for two weeks then start stimming for IVF!

Weird thing, though. Are you ready for this?

I was due for AF last Wednesday, but no go. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, nothing. So I peed on two sticks on Saturday evening: negative on pregnancy, but I got a smiley face for the ovulation one. WTF? I peed again Sunday morning and both were negative. I mean, WTF? Why would the ovulation prediction test be positive? Has anyone ever had this happen to them?

Adios Polly!

That was nothin.' I mean, the D&C was actually like paying a lot of money for a nap. Really. I was wheeled into surgery around 10:00am, they hit me up with some sleepy drugs, and then it was 11:15 when I came to in recovery. I was craving chicken and fries. I saw my hubby back in our "room" at 11:30 and was wheeled out the front door at 12:15. No throat tube and no catheter for my bladder. Ladies, I'm in no pain right now, just some discomfort like I might feel when AF is on the way.

I didn't get to see the doctor after surgery, but she told hubs everything went well. I even got a DVD of the before and after. If I compare the uterus to last year's uterus, I think it looks great! So maybe this chinese medicine thing is working. Today's "before" uterus look healthy and fleshy and pink. Last year's "before" uterus looked bumpy and dark.

I'm feeling quote good. I have papers to grade and DH and I are going to watch a couple of movies for the rest of the evening.

Yeah! We are done with IVF prep. Now I just have to wait for DH's bloodwork to come back from our primary doc to fax to the RE. AF, where are you? Come visit soon!

Polly the polyp returns

Today I had my sonohysterogram and the results were that the polyp has returned. Yup. Polly the Polyp makes her appearance. This totally sucks, and next Thursday I get the thrill of going through another hysterscopy! Why does this have to be done at the hospital? Surgery? Anesthesia? Fuck!

Y'all, I'm really trying to be positive here. The doc doesn't want to transfer embryos into my uterus unless Polly goes away. Anyone ever get knocked up with suck a jacked up uterus before? I am looking for some anecdotal stories to get me through this.

Oh, and I get to practice abstinence until surgery. WAH!!!!!

CD 1, surprise!

Don't you just hate it when AF surprises you? Especially when you are in front of a group of college kids at 8 in the morning, teaching pronoun agreement and cause & effect. Whoosh! At least I wore dark pants and got the heck out of there early. I spent the afternoon just relaxing at home. I should have been grading papers and such, but I wanted a day to myself honestly. I called to schedule the sonohysterogram for next Thursday and all the crazy bloodwork that goes along with it. I find it so silly that I have to get tested for all those lovely STD's and such. Oh well. I know it is protocol, and the insurance company will pay for that part at least. DH has to get his blood work done and he is afraid of needles. Ha! I am afraid of the ultrasound dildocam, but that hasn't stopped me!

I have also been instructed to start low dose aspirin until ? I bought some tonight and boy are those pills tiny! I am back taking my prenatals regularly, and just overall feeling excited about this next step. First, let's hope for a clean uterus next week. I hope the polyps and fibroids haven't taken over the precious space again. That would totally suck, but I am not going to fret about that right now.

Some good news is that I had my regular OB appointment on Tuesday. When I was there, I asked for a full blood work up (thyroid, cholesterol, etc). The doc called today and said all my tests were excellent. I am in good health, and that makes me super happy. The thyroid issue worried me for a second since I hear that thyroid issues may be causes for infertility. Oh, and the cholesterol test worried me because I totally chowed down Popeye's the night before!! Bad bad me! I just can't help it sometimes!!

My Vegas

I think I am going to rename this blog "My Vegas," because after today, the gamble we are choosing to play is IVF. My consult was today and it went well. I am set to do IVF at the end of November/beginning of December. I'll update the sidebar to tell of the upcoming schedule.

And I left the RE with over half of the meds I need for this procedure. For free. All I need to do it buy Menopur. I can't believe they donated the Bravelle and Gonal-F and Ganirelix!!!!!! This is a huge savings. Don't get me wrong. We'll still be dishing out a bit over 10K for the procedure and around $800 for the Menopur!

CD 4, moving forward

I finally rescheduled the IVF consult. It is for the 2nd week of October. Let's hope I don't get blown off again.

On another note, I purchased Circle and Bloom after hearing about it from Kitty. So far so good. The meditation is pretty bizarre sometimes, but I am trying to play along and visualize my pituitary gland and my ovaries connecting (ha! yes, it really tells you this!).

I need all the help I can get at this moment. I'm still in a funk, and this past AF was AWFUL! Massive cramps that kept me up at night, lots of clotting (TMI). I was so upset because this felt like the good ol' days pre-lap. I hope my uterus isn't all messed up again.

TCM tomorrow, so maybe she can help. Will this ever happen for me?

in hiding

It's been almost a month since my last post, and honestly, I am not quite sure why it has taken me so long to update. I have been reading your blogs, though. Honestly, school started and a month later, I have survived. I spent two lovely weekends at the end of August back with my bestest friends for bachelorette and wedding nonsense, and then I fell into pretty dark place. I think it was the high of being so busy with fun and life that when it was over, poof! and I was so very down. I still am. I've been off the TTC wagon for the most part, although I am still going to my weekly acupuncture. Sometimes I feel like it's a waste of money. I still have yet to reschedule the IVF consult, and I'm not quite sure when I plan to do it. If we wanted to do IVF in December, I need to hop on it, right?

(((Sigh)))

CD1, yup

Blood test result is negative, and AF came roaring on about 2 hours ago.

Nice. Oh well. At least I can party it up this weekend at my friend's bachelorette party.

Thanks, y'all for your love and support. I know you know how much this blows.

CD34, how much longer?

How long do results from a blood test take? I took the test yesterday at 2:00 and I haven't heard from the doc and it's already 4:21 today.

No, I am not peeing on a stick.

The waiting....

CD 33, testing today

I tested last night and it was a BFN. I didn't test this morning because I forgot (nice job, duh!), so I called my regular OB and scheduled a blood test for 2PM today. Let's get this over with, I say!

CD 32, the universe is f&%$Ing with me...

Yup, CD 32 and still nothing. I didn't test today because I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and had nothing this morning. I'll test tomorrow morning. I also didn't temp this morning because of the late night getting-up.

More tomorrow.

CD 31, and a BFN

Last night I got the courage to go get some tests and a basal thermometer since I tossed the last one out in an infertility fit back a few months ago. Anyway, my bbs are still sore and full, but other than that, I have no AF symptoms. I am sporting a nice yeast infection I think, so I added some of that medicine to my shopping list last night. So, $60 later, I got home with a box of three EPT tests (I usually buy First Response but I figured that since those never work for me, why not try a new brand). I woke around 6 AM and took my temp. It was 97.9 which is normally post-ovulation temp, but who knows since I haven't temped this cycle or any since my last fit. The I went to the bathroom to do the dirty deed and it was not positive. I think 31 days is the longest I have ever gone before in terms of my cycle days, so WTF? This is unusual for me, and of course, like any good infertile, I have been obsessing about it.

Sigh

Back to the classrooms tomorrow. I am not particularly looking forward to it, though. I want one more week of vacation...Alas, though, because I am on a plane Friday morning to see my friends up north where the temps should only be in the low 80s during the day and the 60s at night. I'll need to bring a sweater!!!

CD 29, IVF consult a bust!

So we basically walked out of our consult after waiting in the consult room for 45 minutes with no doctor!! WTF? Firstly, we drove through tropical depression style rains, dodging puddles of water and asshole drivers, then we sat in the waiting room for 15 minutes past our appointment time, then we were whisked away to the consult room where we waited for 45 minutes. DH has to get to work, and I had enough of the waiting!!!! Grrr...So I went to the nurses station where they were all chatting it up and asked to be rescheduled for another time. Grrrr....I know Dr. S was there because I heard her, but why can't they come in periodically to let us know it will be a few more minutes. Grrr....



I got the packet, though, and the magic number for this clinic is just under 10k for IVF, not including the STD testing and the like we have to go through before we can begin. WTF? Why didn't we have to do all this testing before like when we were getting IUIs? Oh, and what, like 3-4K for meds? WTF!!!!

India IVF is beginning to look real attractive now.

Or maybe it is just this: I am almost 36 and I have never been pregnant. I am a lone fucking infertile with little hope, feeling discarded today by the doctor and the nurses and even DH, and maybe it IS true what they say about natural selection and that I am not meant to reproduce because I should just die off. And maybe DH can go get himself another fucking lay who is much younger and he can reproduce for free, and maybe this whole fucking "business" of getting pregnant is just not for me. Maybe it is.

Fuck!

CD 28, a post in which I begin to lose my mind...

So here I am, CD 28, and no signs of AF. Either this TCM really works wonders, or I am preggo. Ha! My mind is playing tricks on me. I am due for AF either tomorrow, Saturday, or Sunday, and I am not testing any time sooner. This whole shebang sucks! I mean, here I am, convinced that I must be pregnant since I am not spotting or having any PMS signs, yet my acupuncturist told me this is how it is supposed to be: I am not supposed to spot a week before AF, and I am not supposed to spot mid-cycle, but why can't my brain embrace that? Why is it that I want to believe this is the super cycle, the one where I miraculously get knocked up? I mean, tomorrow is my IVF consult with dr. S and the hubs. Isn't this suppose to be the storybook happy ending? I get knocked up on my own and find out the day I have IVF consult? WTF? There is no zen to all of this! I just have to wait and wait, and my stupid mind that believes I am knocked up will only hurt me in the long run when I wake up Sat or Sun morning with bright red blood streaming from me. This totally sucks. This all totally sucks!!! Sucks sucks sucks! I hate that I am always sad and disappointed monthly for the past three years or so. I am not sure how much more I can take!

First IVF baby

I just love her attitude, especially when she commented about the Catholic Church!

http://pagingdrgupta.blogs.cnn.com/2010/08/06/first-test-tube-baby-is-a-mom/?hpt=Sbin

CD 20, I'm still here

I've been reading blogs but have not been responding as well as I should. I'm working with a crappy internet connection since I'm out on break.

No news here. When not actively TTC, there seems to be little to ponder about. I am tracking my cycle days and CM but just not temping or anything else. There was a tiny spot of brown on my TP two days ago, and I am secretly hoping that was implantation spotting. HA! Probably not.

I have been making DH google IVF stuff so when we go to the consult next friday he is prepared. He thinks we should try IVF in India or some other country where it is cheaper and just make a long vacation out of it. Anyone ever done that or know someone who did that successfully? If we are going to spend $12,000 and up for one cycle, why not make it exotic? Would you consider this option if you could get time off work?

CD who knows

I got the job. Yup. I now have a tenure track position, and in this climate, I think it's a pretty darn good thing. I am excited, but to tell you the truth, I think I was correct to assume they already knew who they wanted, and the interview process was just a show. Lucky for me, it was me!!!

Also some fun news is I've booked two weekends away at the end of August. One for a bachelorette party and the other for a wedding. I am excited to see my friends, most I haven't seen in over 4 years thanks to a 1000 mile difference and hectic schedules. I hate to say this, but I am sure glad I am not preggo. This trip is going to be fun and carefree with lots of boozing!!

I had TCM yesterday, and I mentioned to her that I was feeling as though I was on the border of getting sick. She gave me some herbs to help with that and today I am not feeling sick anymore. She swears by this formula, and I plan to never leave home without it.

I turned in my grades yesterday, so I have about 11 days off until I have to report back to school. Yeah, vacation!

CD 6, 100th post

Happy 100th post to me.

Our IVF consult is scheduled for August 13 (and for those of you who are superstitious, that's a Friday the thirteenth, thank you very much). I plan to have a long list of questions for the doc, so any questions you think I should ask, please feel free to shoot them my way.

TCM today was good. I asked her about Royal Jelly, and if I should be taking it. She seemed to get little ticked at my question, but then followed up by telling me that the treatment she has for me is specific to me, and that's all she believes I need. Also, she believes that since I have been so good at my treatment, I should get another HSG in three months or so. She believes that my tubes can reopen as long as I keep with the blood stagnation diet and herbs. So I am meditating on that.

Still no news on the job promotion front. Well, I am off to run with the pups. Here's to my blog being 100 posts old. Let's hope for a productive baby-making next 100.

CD 1, planning for the future

AF came this morning in full force. I am not pregnant, but I already knew that. DH and I talked at length this morning about the future. We discussed doing another cycle, but when we priced out the cost of a pure injectible IUI, the price tag would be almost $3000. Yes, $1100 for the monitoring, $500 for the IUI, and somewhere between $1000-1200 for the meds. Three thousand dollars is a lot of money for a shot in the dark, and frankly it's a start for the IVF savings account. We decided to call the RE to see what she thinks.

I left a message, the nurse called back, then we went to run some errands and I forgot my phone, so when I returned, I had 2 (that's right--two) messages from Dr. S. She even left me her cell phone number to call if I tried the office and she had already left. A doc's cell phone? How wonderful is that. I spoke with Dr. S, and she thinks that IVF would be the best route and wants DH and I to schedule time to speak with her about the process, etc. So there. We are now moving on to IVF.

There's a bit of clarity with this decision, and I might post more about this as I come to terms with it all. For now, it's TCM, regular exercise, regular life stuff, and of course lots of BD during fertile times. I know it is possible to get preggo because I have been a witness to my lovely bloggy friends who have achieved just that--a miracle. I know these stories, and I know that it is possible. I must look forward and that is my focus now.

CD 29, AF where are you?

I'm now waiting for AF. Yes, I tested again this morning and got another BFN, so I am pretty confident I am not preggo. Frankly, I am quite fine. DH wants to try one more round since he says he screwed up this last IUI. I know the original plan was to wait for IVF, but heck, what's one more round of IUI? So as you can probably imagine, I am searching and calling and begging for AF to get here so we can move forward.

On a very positive note, I am glad to be back in my routine. I spent the last 6 weeks with my body on a calm regimen, hoping to achieve preggo news, but that didn't seem to work. Now that this cycle is over, I am running again, doing some power yoga, and overall sweating and exerting myself. I feel fantastic this week (other than sore muscles) and I think that is helping me cope with yet another BFN. I love exercise and sweat. I've got acupuncture in about one hour, then I am running. Yipee!

BFN

I didn't wait to test like I said I would. Now I can resume my normal life again.

I knew this was going to be a BFN, but IF still sucks.

CD 25, 12dpiui, water

I live about 5 blocks from the Mississippi river, and sometimes I like to ride my bike along the levee. Much of the water is off limits to non-port working people, but if you go far enough, you can get down to the dirt and sandy parts. My dog loves all things water.

I am surrounded by water. In fact I have lived by some major body of water most of my life. I've lived very near the Gulf, Lake Michigan (both in Illinois and Indiana), and Lake Erie. I've been a part of one of the country's biggest disasters which was the failed levee floods of 2005. Water has moved through me most of my life. I like water and I also fear it. I'll fish but I won't swim in the lakes. I prefer pools. I think I fear what I can't see in the water: jellyfish, bottom feeders, broken glass. From June 1-November 30, I fear what brews in the waters off Africa, what brews in the gulf, what hurricanes might forms in the warm waters.

I often think of Virginia Wolf's suicide in the water. No, I am not suicidal, but I adore her writing and I think about how she struggled with mental illness, and how she resorted to the water for her final breaths.


We drink water. We bathe in water. We baptize with water that has been blessed (or not) by some god-like person.

Water is often the metaphor used to describe many things:


Rivers of red vessels run through our body. We move fluidly through our lives. Tears, our body's salty fluids, stream out my eyes more lately than any other time in my life. I'm drowning in my sorrows.

As part of my fertility treatments, I involve myself in deep meditation, imagining my blood flowing through my uterus, my ovaries, my tubes freely floating. I am trying to undo my diagnosis of blood stagnation through my diet and through my visualization. I want to be fertile. Nanshe, goddess of fertility and water, journey with me.

CD 24, 11dpiui, the challenge

I feel compelled to never POAS again now. I am supposed to do it Monday morning, but if it is negative, I'm no doubt going to be upset and cry. Same for Tuesday-Thursday, so that means I should test one week from today since I don't teach on Fridays. Yup, that would give me 18 dpiui. I told DH this and he laughed but then said that it was a good plan. He knows me. He knows that although I know there is about a 2% chance this cycle worked, my heart is still counting on that 2%.



I'm still popping premetrium up my you-know-what, and I am thankful for all you who suggested I wear pantyliners. No ruined panties this month. No "symptoms" of any kind, but the truth is since I've been doing TCM, I stopped having PMS signs. I never get sore bb or bloated now that I am eating my blood stagnation diet. So I guess I won't know until AF shows up, which will inevitably be delayed since I am taking progesterone.



Ugh. This post sucks.



I had a bikini wax this morning (I chickened out on what would have been my first Brazilian wax), and I have a pedicure at 2:45. Oh yeah, and yesterday I had a big fat cheeseburger and fries from my favorite bistro to toast my 2nd interview that went, well, I don't know. The interview was dumb dumb dumb. I feel like this is just a dog and pony show, and that they already know who they are promoting, and that they are just "interviewing" to have some sort of paper trail in case someone cries foul. I didn't do too terribly, but I can't say that I rocked it either since the questions were so dumb!!

Oh well. Off to the yoga studio to clean.

CD 22, 9dpiui, still nothin'

Ho-hum. That's about all that is going on around here, and I kinda like it. We are settled in our new place for now, and I am enjoying every minute. It's been raining all sorts of tropical here lately; my plants are enjoying it immensly. I also have my second interview for the job promotion tomorrow, so fingers crossed that I don't freak out.

On the TTC front, all is the same. I had my acupuncture appointment today. I am actually quite proud of myself for sticking it out (pun intended) since January. At $80 a pop per week, it is kinda expensive, but I am trying any and everything I can. I was also upgraded to a new prenatal vitamin called Neevo back in December, and this 3o day supply costs me a whopping $50 with my insurance. I hope it is some wonder vitamin with that price. Yikes! When you start adding up all this fertility therapy and prep, the baby I am trying to create is going to be coming out with a hefty price tag.

You should be proud of my new plan. I will not POAS until I am suppose to, which is Monday. Heck, I might even wait until Tuesday. Ha! Do you believe me?

CD 20, 7dpiui, I got nothin'

No news to report here. My uterus area is a bit twingy, but other than that, I am fine. DH and I rode our bikes to the riverfront for the fireworks. It was pretty awesome and the weather was fantastic. Plus, for some weird reason, there were no mosquitoes which is a rarity in these parts. It was good to get out.

I am off today, and although I could be doing a million things, I think DH and I are going to piss the day away. He's off with the dog for a run right now (something I've given up this cycle in the hopes that maybe the running was causing me to not get PG), so I am off to clean the house.

Happy Monday!

CD 18, 5 dpiui, feeling quite positive

There is some fantastic news out in blogland this weekend. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for sticky beans for both Kitty and Allison. I have been following their blogs for over a year, and I am thrilled to hear that they are seeing two lines on their tests! They give me hope, and I am so incredibly happy for them.

5 dpiui and the progesterone supplements have not given me any quirky side effects like last time. Today I've felt a few cramping nudges in the uterus area, but then again I could just be imagining it.

Happy 4th!

CD 16, 3dpiui, moved in

I am moved in to my new place and I am loving every minute of it. This neighborhood is alive!

No news on the TTC front. I couldn't find my prometrium yesterday, so I haven't started it yet. I believe it is in one of the boxes I packed, so I'll be taking it tonight and every morning and night until I test.

And I got called for a second interview. I have to meet with the Dean for the interview, and luckily there will be no teaching demonstration. Phew! That's next Thursday. Yipee!

CD 14, 1 DPIUI, feeling alright

I am actually OK today. DH and I BD'd lst night, and I am pretty sure that his load was much higher than the sample from yesterday. HA! TMI, I know, but heck, I had to get more in there, ya know. Around 8:00pm yesterday, I had the ovulation cramping, so I am pretty confindent that the eggs released. Come one, eggies!!

I feel optimistic and pretty darn happy today. I've been a good girl--I'm keeping my feet warm, drinking "spiced" hot teas, breathing, relaxing, feeling quite positive. I am supposed to start prometr.ium Wednesday evening. I'll be taking it twice a day until, and this time I get to take it intravaginally. I guess the side effects are limited if I do it this way rather than orally. When I was taking it last time, I was having the most awful side effects: it always felt like I had to pee although I didn't, constipation, headaches, insomnia. Yuck!

So, lots of laundry to do for this rainy evening. Did I mention we are moving yet again? Yup. We are finally out of this horrible place and moving to another place in the neighborhood we really want to live in. I'm almost done packing!!! Did I mention how much I loathe moving?

Happy Tuesday!

CD13, IUI a complete failure

Well, maybe not, but I understand percentages and numbers, and I can tell you that 1.7 million sperm post-wash is bad bad bad.

WTF?

The doc said that it looked like a different man. Then I asked her, "Is it?" I know it's not, though. DH had *ahem* troubles this morning. He worked all weekend and woke up crabby and took a hot shower before his he did his "job." Whatever. I am over it. His numbers were 6 million pre wash, and the ones that made it inside of me were a 77% motility, so that it good.

I am not expecting anything wonderful here. The honest truth is that I feel a bit relieved--if this doesn't work, for the first time I won't feel like it's all my fault. This time, it's his, too.

CD 11, update

It's on for Monday. Tonight I trigger, and then bright and early Monday morning, the specimen needs to be at the office by 8:00 AM and I am scheduled for 10:00 AM. I've emailed my students, so I am off that day. Yup, I am sure that it probably won't make a difference, but I plan to be in a resting pose most of the day on Monday, doing some acupressure and massage and positive thinking.

And drinking things with cinnamon in it. Yup. My TCM doc said that I need to warm myself up, and hot tea with cinnamon bark is good for the ute. Didn't someone recently comment on the cold uterus thing?

CD 11, fertility goodies

What your viewing is the remnants of breakfast: apple turnover, strawberry turnover, and the wrapper for the most delicious chocolate donut stuffed with vanilla pastry cream. This was my treat for my Saturday morning monitoring appointment. There's a donut shop about a half mile from the clinic. So today I thought, heck, it's a Saturday morning. Why not get a doughnut? DH was all too happy when I walked through the front door at 9:00 AM with this pastry box. Of course, I am crashing now, but whatever.

The monitoring appointment went fine. All of my big follies grew about 2 mm. I have 3 definite dominant follies, one almost there, and two that could be something, so that's a total of 6 big ones. Last month I had three major dominant follies and 3 minor ones, so I am about the same. My right ovary is the one producing so many this time. That's about right since it is technically the right ovary's turn. The problem with that is my right tube is blocked, so my left tube will have to pick up the eggs. This is all so very scientific and confusing to me. Sometimes I just wish there really was a stork who brought happy, loving couples a baby.

I'm waiting for the phone call to tell me if the IUI will be on Monday or Tuesday. I plan to take the day off, so as soon as I know, I'll need to send emails out to my lovely students. The one thing about working for a 2 year college is that when you cancel class, students jump for joy. If it were a regular college, I am sure that one or two students would be pissed.

I'll post more once I know. Right now, I'm taking advantage of this crash and napping. Cheers!

CD 10, growing growing

On another note, my monitoring went well. I'm waiting for a call about my bloodwork, but my left ovary has 4 follies growing and the right has about 8 or 9! They aren't all big yet; a few are above 14 mm, so I am not quite ready. The nurse thinks that I might have to come back for more monitoring tomorrow or Monday and possibly a Wednesday IUI. Again, I won't know until she calls. I'll update later when I find out.

HA!

Just as I was posting this, the nurse called. Ok. I do another vial of menopur tonight and a ganirelex (sp). Tomorrow I go in for US and BW at 8:00 AM, then most likely I will trigger tomorrow night and IUI Monday.

Phew!

This is faster than I thought!!

I'm off to Dr. Google now. My blood work showed my E2 at 730 (excellent, I guess, according to the nurse) and I want to read up on the ganirelix.

CD7, disposal?

What exactly am I supposed to do with a full Sharps Collector? Am I supposed to put it in the regular garbage? Do I take it to the clinic? Do I decorate it as if it were a Christmas tree? I'm puzzled because I am extremely careful about how I dispose of things, and I believe in recycling and composting. However, one cannot compost or recycle used needles and empty vials of menopur. Hmm...

Anyway, CD 7 is here (or is it CD 4 according to AF), and I take my final dose of clomid tonight. I have not had any side effects this time around. I was expecting the dizziness like I had from last time, but so far it has been smooth sailing. I've been good with my fertility yoga and my fertility ball. Now if I could just get motivated enough to grade the fifty student papers that are burning a hole in my book sack.

CD 6, blah blah blah

Nothing much to report here except I think I got AF Saturday night. Yesterday I had mild cramps and a good amount of AF. I should expect this, right, since last Tuesday was my last day of BC (not being AF prepared really sucks, especially when you have on cute knickers). The doc did not mention this, though. I am supposed to assume that CD 1 was the first day I was not on BC. Hmmm... weird.

I take clomid for two more nights, then two nights of menopur shots, then off to the RE for monitoring on Friday. I can't wait!

CD 3, Baby, it's on...

E2=36
FSH=4.5

right ovary= 2 follies
left ovary= 5 follies

Starting tonight, I take clomid for 5 nights, then menopur for 2 nights, then US and lab work a week from today. Yipee. I was hoping to do pure injectibles this month, but I have midterms to proctor for my classes next week and won't be able to cancel class.

Here's to a new cycle.

Fertility ball

So my newest fertility-boosting thing I am trying is the fertility ball. Actually, I cheated and bought a soft 3 pound weight ball as seen in the picture with my dog. He thinks that anything circular in shape is for him, so I'm going to have to hide it from him. I found it at Marshall's today for $3.99.

Yeah, the fertility ball. I'm sitting on it now because apparently, the pressure on the peritoneum strengthens the root chakra and will open up my qi. Which will increase my fertility. Apparently. There are other things I can do with this ball, too, for this. I sound snarky, but I am really going to give it a go.

I had my first facebook breakdown. I was looking at some pictures and noticed a friend standing next to someone I knew from grade school. She still talks to her, and apparently, this girl is pregnant with her first child. Why that bothered me I do not know, but I called up my friend and flat out asked her, "Is X pregnant?" and of course she replied "Yes." I flipped out, ranting about how the heck did she get pregnant, etc. Look, I am not proud of myself for this outburst, but it happened. Luckily this friend of mine is a really close friend and has gone through IF shit before, so she knew where I was coming from.

I am over it now. On to my ball, my positive thinking, and prayers for a good exam tomorrow.

Adios, BCP

I took my last BCP today. Yipee! I have my BW and US on Friday at 8:00 AM to see if my E2 is down and if the 17 mm cyst has vanished.

DH and I spoke at length about the next steps. We are going to go for it with IUI/injectibles this month, but if this next cycle is a bust, we are going to just stop and start a savings account for IVF. I will talk to the RE on Friday about this. I know she feels super confident that I should be getting knocked up with the IUI, but the truth is that it's getting expensive. If each IUI/injectible cycle costs $2000, why not forgo the next 3-5 and save for the IVF which has a much higher percentage of working. Part of me feels like this is me giving up, but I have to be smart. I want to start a family, but I don't want to go broke trying. I think the odds of me getting knocked up with IUI are 15-20 percent, and the odds with IVF are 50-60%.

This year, we've spent just shy of $5000 on TTC, and that includes the TCM. Yikes!

Oh, and my decision to purchase meds online is to NOT do it. I'm going to see if the RE's office is willing to donate some to me. If I live in Louisiana, and fertility coverage is not mandated by law for insurance companies, does that mean that no insurance company will pay? Are all the lovely ladies in my clinic paying cash? Yikes!

weird question to you all

Ok, I probably know the answer in my gut, but do you think it is safe to purchase fertility meds through other IFers via the web? The reason I am asking is because if I start thie new cycle, buying meds will put me out another $500. Based on the online postings, I can get the meds from others for over half the cost. I emailed a couple of people and they responded, but it feels weird because they have 5 or 6 boxes of one drug.

I know it's illegal to purchase prescriptions like this, but hand to hand, infertile to infertile, can't it just seem like a donation? Any thoughts on this? Anyone ever purchase hcg or the like from anohter infertile (or one posing to be one?)

update

I've been MIA for a week or so, mostly because I went out of town over the weekend, and since I've been back, I've been in the busyness of school. On the TTC front, I'm on the pill again, and I am thinking that the pill really sucks. I feel extra groggy in the morning and the past 24 hours, I've been dizzy. I don't feel like myself. I went to TCM yesterday, and she placed many needles in my back with electrode therapy. It didn't help, or maybe it did. Who knows. All I know is that I stop the pill on Tuesday and go in for monitoring a week from tomorrow. I can't wait.

On a funny or interesting or TMI note, we've been having birth-control-pill-sex. Ha! Come on gals, you remember the really fun sex that was in no way, shape, or form EVER intended to make a baby. HA! I'm trying to stay lighthearted about this whole IF thing, so why not spend some time, mentally, back in a place where things were so much simpler.

Happy Thursday!

CD ??/

So I went for monitoring on CD 3, and this cycle is a bust:

FSH 7.4
E2:156
Beta: negative (wow, they actually did a beta)

The doc put me on BC pills, and I am taking those for 2 weeks then going back for monitoring on June 18 at 8:00 AM. I spoke with the RE, and she looked at my stats from last cycle and said, "Gee, this all looks so great. You should be pregnant."

Yeah, I know. I had 4 large follies, and my estrogen was good and DH's boys were wonderful. No baby, though.

(sigh)

CD2, on to round 2

Yesterday, AF arrived. I'm calling the office tomorrow to schedule monitoring for medicated cycle 2. Thanks all for the support this month. The disappointment was tough, but you all just rocked.

CD29, 16dpiui, still waiting

Yes, I know the first question is did I test again? The answer is no because I've only got one left and I refuse to buy any more this month. argh! I probably test again tomorrow. My spotting stopped yesterday. We even FD yesterday and no spotting. WTF? I should get AF today or tomorrow. If not, I'm testing again.

CD28, 15 dpiui, waiting for AF

I took the test yesterday morning and got a BFN, so I guess now I wait for AF. I'm ok with it, though. Whatever. We plan to try again ASAP, so bring it on, AF.

CD 26, 13dpiui

Yesterday, the RE's office told me to do a test on Thursday, and if it is negative, then I should stop the progesterone and wait for my period. Just like that, I guess. I thought I'd be getting blood tests at 14 dpiui, but oh well. In spite of what all you are telling me, I am pretty confident that this cycle is a bust. When I was cleaning the bathroom last night, I started crying. The kind of tears that bring you to your knees and to the floor, the kind where it feels like you'll never get up, the kind that brings the dog to the threshold of the room, waiting to see if you are OK. It was a good cry, and although my eyes are really puffy today, I feel relieved and calm.

I just got back from the park with my pup. We ran 2 miles, and I was able to find a quiet spot to do some sun salutations while he dried off (I wet him down with the hose since it's so hot out). I got a good run and a good sweat out of me, and I feel pretty darn good. I'm spotting more today than yesterday, and if my timing is correct, I should see AF Friday or Saturday.

Thanks for your support and for reading. IF sucks.

CD 25, 12dpiui, negative, positive, negative

POAS= BFN

Call in to the RE to ask/schedule a bloodtest=yeah!

very very very light spotting=blah

more later...

CD 24, Joke

How can you spot an Infertile at the drugstore?

She's the one buying triple-pack pregnancy tests AND tampons & maxipads.

*******
I ran out to buy sticks. I'm testing tomorrow. Oh lawd!

CD 24, 11 dpiui

I'm back, and I completely forgot I signed up for ICLW this month. Looks like I've got a lot of catching up to do!! I promise that will be my goal tonight. Thanks to those who posted.

Not much happening here. I had to leave early for my trip (family emergency), so I couldn't get my progesterone blood drawn last Thursday. The doc put me on prometr.ium anyway just to be safe. Ever since my TCM, I've had no PMS signs, but yesterday and today my breasts hurt, and I was nauseous yesterday afternoon. Hmm...yes, being away from civilization has been good for the 2WW, but now that I am on the progesterone, will my period just come or will I have to stop taking it if I am not PG? I've got to call the doc tomorrow to find out the plan. Am I suppose to POAS? Help! I don't want to if it is too early. I don't want to at all, frankly, because I just don't think I can handle another BFN.

Oh ladies, much to stress about, but right now I want to play with my pups since I haven't seen him in 5 days. I'll post later.

CD 19, 6 dpiui, and tired and...

Today I am tired, but yesterday I was nauseous to the point I dry-heaved over the toilet for about 5 minutes in the afternoon. Hmmm...

I have to drive up to the country this Friday and will not be back home until late Tuesday, so the blog might be quiet since there is little internet availability. Oh how I hope this all works...

CD 18, 5 dpiui: shitake, sweet potatoes, black beans, and eggs

No news here other than my TCM diagnosis today was that my yin (or was it yang) radial pulse is weak, and the yin (again, or was it yang) is what controls the growing and nurturing in the uterus. She told me to beef up on shitakes, sweet potatoes, black beans, ad eggs, but cook them is a stew-like way so they aren't dried out. Hmm...I'm unsure of a recipe that would call for all four of those ingredients, but I am sure going to try.

I have also been instructed to take it easy; no excessive exercise or movement which is perfect right now as I am on vacation. Yes, I am thinking of the positive, but there is such a part of me that is afraid to be optimistic.

CD 16, 3 dpiui

Ha! See my post title? I have a new "thing" to title each and every day, and that is the days post IUI. How did I know this? Well, of course I have been on the internet, googling the heck out of post iui symptoms, looking for success stories. I even did a comparison chart on fertilit.y frien.d looking for some good news. Oh, and BTW, fertility friend is counting my cycles, and this is my 32nd cycle, but that is kind of a lie because I started using FF in April 2007 and did not chart every month. I think it's more like 36 or 37 cycles! Yikes. Does this mean I am on my golden cycle (like golden birthdays)? If it is cycle 35 then I am. Yikes. This IUI better work.

Anywhoo, no "symptoms" here 3 dpiui. I am avoiding any strenuous activity (including running) which sucks but I want to make sure I don't screw anything up. I am officially on vacation from school until June 3, so I've been glued to the TV. They have direc.t TV here and let me tell you, I will never ever get cable TV in my future home. It's crack to me, frankly. I can't turn off the TV. I've been watching too many episodes of birth stories, even one titled, "pregnant and paralyzed" or something like that. Geesh.

Well, hopefully I'll get some fresh air tomorrow since DH is off work. I am not sure what's on the agenda, but hopefully it includes some sunshine.

CD 14, hey, there's a mouse in my house

The cramping finally stopped last night about 9 PM, and today I feel 100 percent normal. I had acupuncture this morning to help with this process. I was told to cut out the caffeine completely (sad face inserted here) and to be strict about the blood stagnation diet I am on. Check and check. When I got home, I spent a good amount of time in Supta Baddha Konasana which is supposed to help with the energy levels in that area. I have such tight hips; even after 10+ years of yoga, my hips are so uncooperative. While I was enjoying the pose, I noticed a fat little mouse scurrying along the floor! Yikes! This place has mice!!! I hate hate hate rodents, pests, etc. in my living space. Gross. Anyway, I am practicing happy pregnant thoughts. Happy, positive, non-violent thoughts, so the desire to get rid of the mouse will have to wait until my 2WW is over.

CD 13, all loaded up

I just got back from the IUI. DH's sperm count was 129.5 pre-wash and 22.5 million post wash, 86% motility. I guess these numbers are really good (rated 3.5 out of 4). I called DH to tell him and he was quite happy.

I started feeling ovulation-cramping yesterday afternoon and evening and I had a bit of trouble sleeping (although I am not sure if it was from the diet coke I drank at 8:30--shame on me!). Also a weird thing I noticed was some dark blue veins along my hip bone and skin by where I think would be my ovaries. DH said I looked 'roided up.

So I am off to think of happy swimming and a happy meet and greet up in the ol' uterus. I go for a progesterone test in 7 days and then I just wait.

This is a 2 week wait that I have waited a long time for. Happy Thursday, all.

****update*****
what's up with these uterine cramps? how long is this going to last?

CD11, trigger tonight

I just got back from my US and labwork. I took to the meds very well. I have three dominant follies (two on my left and one on the right!) and my lining looks great (graded 12A, which I guess is really really good).

Here's the kicker...DH and I were instructed to have sex last night because I was getting a post-coital test today, and when Dr. S went to get the sample of semen and CM near my cervix, I had NONE! Did you hear that? Not a drop. I was bone dry. Could this have been the problem all along?

So I trigger tonight at midnight, then IUI at 12:30 PM Thursday. I am so very excited. I know this is not a for-sure way to get knocked up, but I feel like I am one step closer to a BFP. Wow. Just wow.

CD8, menopur shot 1, club soda

So I am preparing for my first shot of meno.pur. I am doing it solo since DH has to work late tonight. I'm not too freaked out; instead, I am actually excited. I've laid out the first round and reviewed the instructions several times. In fact, there are several you.tube clips from gals who showed exactly how to do it with pointers and tips.

Where would us IFers be without the internet?

On another note, we just moved to a new part of the city since we sold our condo. My dilemma? It seems that there is some unspoken rule about where people are allowed to park, i.e. parking is only allowed in front of YOUR house and no one else's. Huh? WTF? We are subletting a house for a lot of money per month, so I feel like I should be able to park just about anywhere I want. This is an urban environment with city streets, parallel parking, etc., and since we have two cars, we can't ever park where the next open spot is? I remember this rule when I lived in Chicago, and those who shoveled out their parking spot sometimes put chairs in it to "reserve" it. I guess I can get that, although I never ever ever reserved parking for myself.

The kicker? In front of MY rental house is reserved handicap parking!!!!!!!! So that means I can't park there because I don't have a handicap sticker! So DH and I can't park anywhere. Trust me, I already tried and had old man crazy yelling at me. This is absolutely insane that people are so territorial. I just don't get it.

Thanks for listening to me vent. We only have a two month lease, so it is very very short term. I am trying not to be so negative and bitchy, especially since I am trying to grow my follies and I need positive energy! Ah!!!!!

Oh, and I find that drinking club soda makes me happy, so a drinking it I go.

observation

How cool is it that my cycle day one was May 1? I mean, heck, I don't have to do much thinking about what CD I am on! I don't think this has ever happened before. Why am I so excited?

CD 7, pizza: where are you?

Tonight is my last night of popping the clo.mid and then Saturday starts the injections. Yipee! DH is actually really excited about this whole thing. When this IF crap first began, he just checked out and was on the fence about the whole weird thing. I guess he realized that he really does want a family, and I couldn't be happier with his attitude lately. Wow. Just wow.

Friday night plans? Pizza is on its way, and this house we are subletting has excellent cable, so I plan to channel surf all night long while my students' papers stare at me from the desk.

CD 6, all clear

Just a quick update since I am in the throes of moving...

Woke up yesterday and today feeling normal, so whatever side effects I felt with the clo.mid are done. I did have two cavities filled yesterday (my very first cavities at the age of 35), and it didn't hurt a bit! Hooray for me!

CD 4, did somebody spike my sushi roll?

I took my first dose of clo.mid last night (100 mg) and wheeeeeeeeeew...

I slept kinda badly, but the most suckiest part was feeling dizzy this morning. It didn't shake until mid morning and then I felt like I was stoned but not in a good way (ahem, not that I know what that feels like). I know that these fertility meds are supposed to trick your brain into thinking it's in menopause, but if this is what menopause feels like, I don't ever want to say bye to AF. I was a complete idiot today. I forgot my phone, my planner, my lunch--heck! I am surprised I made it to TCM for my evening acupuncture.

And no amount of water will satisfy this thirst I have.

So I am off to yoga for some centering and sweating. Here's to a medicated cycle! Cheers!

It's on, baby

My US results are fine, and the bloodwork came back with my FSH at 7.4 ad E2 at 86. Time for meds!!!

I pick up the clo.mid later this evening and take 100 mg for five nights, then I inject myself with meno.pur for three nights. Then lab work and US and then trigger. It's really happening!!!!

So I know I am always harping on the money thing, so here goes: Although I only need 3 vials of meno.pur, I have to buy 5 at $60 a pop. Then I have to pay for the trigger shot and the suppression shot for a grand total of $600 bucks just for the meds (not including clo.mid). Plus the fee for the doc is $850 without IUI. Are you counting this up? Cause it sounds like it is going to be closer to $2000 than $1000 which will be no problem since I am getting knocked up this cycle. hahaha But really it comes down to chance. I happen to live in a state that thinks highly of "family values" but does not mandate insurance to cover fertility treatments. If I lived in Massachusetts or Illinois, I'd be golden.

I am fortunate to be able to pay cash for this cycle. Others can't and then won't pursue this treatment and that just sucks.

Come on ovaries! You can do it!